It's kinda ironic you ended with an apology for revealing something you are struggling with.
Haha, well you're definitely right about that. I guess it wasn't meant to be an apology for that specifically, maybe even more so to myself because I am frustrated with the lack of content I have been producing.
I wonder if practicing compassion for them might help you cope? I'm sure you might do already but perhaps an overt practice of understanding why it is they behave in such a way. Because worrying about what others think must say a lot about how they feel about themselves.
I do try to. It can be incredibly difficult, though. I don't know if we've ever had a full start to finish conversation without some sort of judgement or prying into my finances, career, etc. I know it comes from a place of love but I have literally asked them "hey can we not talk about x/y/z for this one hour we have together" and they're incapable of just treating me like a normal human being. Unless, of course, that is how they speak with everyone.
Do you think you are still seeking approval from them in a subconscious way?
I think acceptance is more so what I'm seeking. You would think at a certain time in life they would say hey, this is our family member, this is who he is. But that hasn't happened yet. And with my father's deteriorating health, I am terrified we might not ever have a chance to exist on a simply human level with one another. But, the ball is in his court, and all I can do is try.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. It is hard <3