My story of change and learning: What it's like to grow up afraid of your own shadow...
Fear, terror, panic, dread? I don't really know what to call it, but my childhood but more especially, my teenage years and into my 20's, the only word I knew well was that; that meaning of the mistake and feeling like “bad” or “dirty”. It was not an easy thing for me to change that. The process of how it happened is synthesised in this post, in these words and in my anecdotes... By the way, before I start, if this is read by a girl going through something similar to what is written here, let me know in the comments. You're not alone, you're not alone at all...
Now then, I'm going to start with two clarifications. First, no, I did not have to go through any experience of sexual violence or abuse. Fortunately I didn't have those experiences in my life.... But, on the other hand, I did have to challenge, overcome and overcome a terribly dramatic, manipulative and extremely victimizing mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved her too much as a child and teenager and also now, being myself a mother and an adult as old as she was when I was born.... Only time gives certain licences and teachings that nothing in our existence can offer.
But she was, to a large extent, the reason why I hated looking in the mirror, or all my dates were on the sly. The unrealism of what she had in her mind about what a ‘decent woman’ should be, was more 1925 than 2008/2010... And when you grow up in a home where your father is a pathological submissive who is incapable of raising his voice even when he believes in blatant injustice, the system of authority that is categorically imposed is even more marked. And when you think about it, it's hard to escape the influence of mum. I mean, who, in their right mind, wants to go against their mother all the time?
In my opinion, no one, or very few people... The ideal relationship between an adult mother and a woman in adolescence should be one of mentoring but also of trust. I never asked for a friend or a companion, but I did demand respect and independence from her, which she never did.... And far from understanding, or at least trying to, her solution to everything was oppression, blackmail and psychological terror. Sadly, I know a lot about that because she has lived it in the flesh for decades. ‘You are a disappointment’, “your brother is and will be better than you”, “no man will ever want a woman like you”. And those ‘opinions’ when I wasn't really angry; believe me, I could do a lot worse....
Neither do I come here to present myself as a tender little sheep, incapable of making mistakes, or as someone who seeks victimisation as a function of sympathy? It's just that the mere idea of writing about this was born to a lady and a girl in their twenties, having coffee, laughter and hugs on a bench in a square. In the sunshine, but enjoying the company and the warmth that only sunshine and true love can create between mother and daughter.... Frankly, I never had any of that. In fact, I grew up, became a mother, raised my daughter and absolutely broke the pattern of toxicity that linked me to her, but although therapy, of course, helps, it is no less true that those experiences, of a mother and daughter always in cahoots, is something I can never have.
Now she is even older than she was years ago. I don't hold a grudge, although I couldn't say I love her as if there was no malan either; it's weird but I'm being frank with you. Judge if you wish, that's your prerogative, but it's not easy to learn to be your best self without anyone supporting you unconditionally? I don't know if I will be a fantastic mother, maybe not, but what I do know is that I will never be like her. My daughter is my life and my mother, and although cliché, I have it clear between my eyebrows: my baby will never experience something similar to what I, and many women and girls have had to live through. Running away from their reflections in a mirror, pretending there was self-esteem when there wasn't, and believing you were a disappointment with legs? Never. My daughter will be scared and I will make mistakes, but for her to be terrified and scared of her own shadow, simply never. In the meantime, here I am: strong, stoic, scarred.
I learned as I grew that oftentimes, mothers who do things like this, often do so because they were either brought up in the same light, or they had such self hatred for themselves or fear.
My mother had me very late in life. She and my father were always afraid for me; I'd fall IF I went roller skating, therefore, I shouldn't, or I shouldn't go swimming because I didn't know how. I also learned at a very young age that she just didn't flat out trust me BEFORE I ever hit puberty. Unfortunately, as her distrust grew as I grew, it pushed me away from her and into some the behaviors she was so worried about.
I later in life (much later) learned that perhaps her behavior towards me was because she was afraid I might do some of the things she did do that maybe she shouldn't have and had regrets over. She is not of this world any longer and unfortunately, I learned even later because of letters that were found between her and my father when they were dating, that I might not have been a child she really wanted because of the way she felt about my brother, who turned out to be my half brother. While it stings a bit, even at this late date, it is water under the bridge so to speak.
I am sorry that your mom treated you the way that she did, but am glad you realize and won't make the same mistake with your daughter.
Thank you for sharing and have a lovely day!🤗
Thank you for taking all the time to write something powerful but truly honest like these words. I appreciate it. Once again, thanks @elizabethbit
You are most welcome. Take care!
@elizabethbit
🤗💜
I liked the title of your post. It is well thought out and honest. Your use of photos helped to make your effort personal and engage the reader. I find it interesting that as I browse the Hive site that the effort and quality of a post is not always rewarded - more often than not, good quality work is not rewarded despite the presence of curators. I appreciated what you wrote and upvoted you with my meagre vote, but wanted to encourage you. You obviously are a thoughtful, caring person and a good mother.
This has to be the honest and kindest comment I've received in many years. Thank you so, so much for your kind words and for being that cute to me!
You're very welcome, Chris-Chris :)
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My grandmother has the same character as your mother, I reread some things you wrote and I found many toxic traits in common, the comparisons, the verbal abuse, the belittling, the insults, my grandmother did this with her daughters and nephews, phrases like you're fat, no one will want you and your husband will cheat on you were normal, I haven't spoken to her for two years, my aunt too, unfortunately certain relatives are toxic and create a lot of trauma.
I'm so sorry... No girl or boy should be witness of such a mistreatment. And I know you haven't ask me anything but in my opinion you did a correct step... Not talking anymore to your grandma is peace. Thank you for stopping by, love.