Have you ever received a gift that turned out to be a trap?
It was one of these wolf in sheep's clothing gestures that shaped many of my thoughts on women empowering each other today.
I had a much younger friend who we will call Ally. I'm not sure if she looked up to me more than I looked up to her; she was an incredible young woman. At only 17 she had already begun to pursue her passions with a vigor that was admirable.
I was something like 25, but I still wanted to be like her when I grew up.
Stating this so simply sounds sinister now, and unfortunately it really was. The situation truly wasn't unusual at the time however— there was a culture of aid that was necessary to survive in camp. Someone used it to trick us.
Looking back, my perception of safety was probably a green flag for Ally.
I was at the stage of my life where I was transitioning from maiden to mother mentally. I didn't understand this the day we left for the hotel, but I did a few days later... I was of an age that younger women trusted me for guidance. I graduated, and missed the memo.
I've had each person I tell this story to respond by saying I shouldn't feel such guilt. That is the lesson I needed to take with me though, responsibility. That day we both had our first proper showers in weeks.
We washed our teargas residue filled clothing. And we relaxed, feeling like the day was a break in the storm. I fell asleep in a shared hotel bed with Ally that night, remembering just how good a real bed is... but I didn't wake up with her next to me.
I woke up being touched in my sleep.
The man who decided to do this to me had just told me all about his childhood trauma of being abused in foster care the day before. I'd shared meals with him in the community kitchen, offered him a load of wood as I pulled a sleigh of it through camp, shared water while front lining.
I'd looked out for him, like we all looked out for each other. I had let my comfort level at camp drop my guard, because I was naive enough to forget my good sense. I believed he'd do the same.
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He was immediately sorry he did that, and even more sorry later... that isn't the point of this story though. He had a partner in this sick activity, and I'd learn later that they did this several times. I didn't find that jerk in the room, but I did find Ally crying by the door.
She is the point of the story. Ally is the first woman who has ever needed me to hold space for her.
We were far from alone with these two men in the room, but at some point, part of the group must have left, because they were absent as I walked her away down the hall.
For the next months I thought on the responsibility women have for each other. How sisterhood amplified is a shield in a world that can be cruel. It all started as I held Ally in the following days. She cried when she needed to, and I made her food. I didn't talk, only listened.
Ally got what one would consider justice, and she went on to keep being tough as nails. Months later she spoke at a youth UN summit, and I watched it from my smart phone many miles from North Dakota. The National Guard had come through with a herd of Humvees to clear the camp as soon as winter broke, and I had been nomadic since.
I was traveling with the woman in my first photo, we met the day I went to North Dakota, hopping in her car to get to know her over the 21-hour drive. She's still my best friend today, and I have so many lessons to thank her for. My ideas on empowerment grew rapidly in this time together.
We fished, foraged, and hunted. We bathed in steams and secluded lakes. Everything we ate was made over a fire. We spent weeks in national parks, sleeping under the stars.
We headed south in search of hot springs and tropical delights. And I learned so much more about being a woman through watching my friend raise a small lady.
I connected with the divine feminine in a way I never had before... I healed a lot.
From an early age, women are taught that we should compete with each other. During this period of my life I became so maddeningly aware of how much we need to do the opposite. How I'd bought into this poor narrative for myself. I found community in female friendship.
And I also realized just how hard being a mother was. I watched as my friend tried to act like she could do everything herself and my heart ached. I took so much joy in giving her breaks, and I once again thought on how these simple acts can be transformative.
There's magic in this, and it formed a new idea of what community meant for me. As I settled into my girl pack, I realized all the ways that women living communally support each other naturally when given the chance.
Not so long after, I would decide to have my first child. Watching Gus with her kiddo had planted a seed in my mind, and it would once again expand my ideas on what empowered women look like.
There are things that only we know. The pain of the milk let-down in the first week. The feeling of cradling a small person in the early blue hours of morning and feeling unsure what is real... As the hormones regulate in your healing and tired body, you will need other women more than ever.
With my eldest, I spent a lot of time alone. I learned about the only life-giving blood that can be shed, and experienced how shunned talking about it is in society firsthand.
Sarcastically, in my head I would wonder why people asked how I was doing. The only acceptable answer was great. No one told me this before. I fell into postpartum depression after a c-section, and there were only a few beacons in the dark to me at one point.
Women, calling out to me. Letting me know I wasn't alone.
I made it a point to drop off premade dinners and flowers to every woman I was close to that had a baby after that. I promised myself I would ask what things they are struggling with, or if they needed to vent instead of the standard questionnaire. Then I got into birth advocacy.
I had to fight tooth and nail for the birth I wanted with my son. After losing my first child in my early twenties, I was afraid to have a baby at home. Even though I'd since carried to term and had a healthy 3-year-old at the time, I knew I needed to feel secure.
I learned that most hospitals had a policy against letting women give birth naturally after a c-section. I had doctors berate me, tell me I wasn't capable, and one even laughed in my face. He told me that no smart doctor would do that, and I left that day and hired a doula.
I also joined VBAC support groups, and began reading the birth stories of hundreds of women. I cheered for them when they had the births they wanted, and cried with them when things went awry.
Having a doula empowered me to feel brave, safe, in control. She quietly offered me support, placed counter pressure against my contractions, reminded me to breathe.
It's been two and a half years since my son was born, but the high of that moment never left me. When my labor had finally ended, and my son was placed on my chest, I felt connected to all of the women who have given me strength.
Female empowerment to me is all about support. Standing together in the issues that impact each one of us.
As I now raise a small lady of my own, I think over the lessons I've learned from the women I've mentioned here... And I of course think on all the advice I hope to give and have accepted by my daughter. Although this post is already long, I wouldn't be me if I didn't address both prompts for this week! So, what advice do I have for young women?
Unapologetically be yourself!
Embrace what makes you happy, and lean into it.
No is a complete sentence. Don't be afraid to firmly reject the things that do not work for you. You have to live the life you build with each choice.
It is better to do difficult things asap. When you stress over how you will do it, you only prolong the suffering. Want to quit a job, end a relationship, or confront a situation that is bothering you? If you are truly certain, the best day is today.
And lastly, if your gut keeps telling you something is off, explore it. Never let your intuition sit unanswered. The space you occupy belongs to you, and you deserve to be respected and loved. The heart knows when things are off, and it gives us pain to process. Sometimes we must sit with that.
Do you have thoughts on women empowerment or some wisdom you'd like to pass on to the younger generation of gals? The Ladies of Hive Community Contest is open for a few more days!
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This is the most beautiful and wonderous thing I've read in a long time. What raw, bitter-sweet, and heartfelt experiences you've had! Thank you for sharing with your sisters! 💜
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Shucks Kitty, that's one heck of a compliment, especially coming from you! 💗💃
You have this way of making me feel so seen as a writer, I'm really grateful for you!! 🤗
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BEST sentence EVER written!!
100% agree! I have more to say later, but this was what I was going to start with...until I saw you already had it covered. :D <3
At first, it's hard to say no... maybe even scary. Then one day you realize you're addicted to it. 🤷♀ I don't make the rules 🤣 ahahahaha
🤗💗
No is the best word! I still sometimes forget to (or choose not to) use it, and I almost always regret it. Especially if it's work-related. 😂
Honestly, I agree with every single one of your bits of advice. I have no kids, but I do have a couple "little sister" types that I try to help out, and I often find myself telling them the same things.
I didn't realize you were part of the ND protests though. That must have been an amazing experience (even if you did learn some hard lessons).
Thank you so much for such an intimate look at your life. This post covered so much territory I know it had to be a bit soul-rending to write. 💜🤗
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I have a feeling those gals are in extremely good hands! 😎💕
And yes! I was in ND for several months, and then ended up going back to the Rez after the camps were cleared out. Both times I learned so much! I wrote a bit about it last year here if you want to check it out- it was in response to a prompt about if breaking the law was ever okay.
I didn't go too deep into the personal side in it, more the situation I witnessed. Someday I'll do a proper series on it all, when my heart says it's ready 😄
It really was a cathartic write for me, but I'm so glad I finally did it! Thank you for this beautiful comment! 💗🤗
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What a truly special post this is - I was scrolling through the PYPT chat when I came across the link to your post. I had to click. You bear so much of your soul through your experiences, Grindan. Fighting for your right to choose your birthing style was an empowering act for all women! And what an absolute joy to have had the freedom to live as you did... and to have grasped the opportunity with both hands. Such an incredibly vibrant and beautiful time in your life! You walk the talk, lady! I admire that greatly. I am, however, so saddened that you had such an awful experience 😔... at least you had the support of a sisterhood of women. Holding space is so important. It is one of the greatest gifts of love that we can give to one another. This post is going to sit with me for quite some time. I can feel it. !LUV !LADY !PIMP
Oh gosh Sam, getting a comment from you always feels like winning the feedback lottery! I'm so grateful that PYPT brought you over 🤗
It really was wonderful to live the way I did before Thea was born, I often miss it. Although that night was a nightmare for Ally and I, we grew so much closer over the following days. She was one of those remarkable young people who was gifted vast wisdom... She taught me things that still stick with me!
One of them was definitely the beauty of sisterhood and the power of holding space- what you said on that is so perfect!
Sharing these tougher moments with other women is the best gift we can both give and receive. I swear we heal different together, stronger. Experiencing huge doses of that on the road with Gus later was life changing. We still celebrate or cry about everything together, she's my ride or die 😎💗
Thank you for your loving visit to my post Sam, it really means a lot to me! 💚 Sending a huge hug your way 🤗
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Love having a ride or die... when you find them, you just want to hold on tight, through the laughter and the tears, and hope the journey never ends 💗. When you raised the idea of holding space it resonated so deeply. It is always such a blessing when one human being takes the time to do this for another. Hope to catch you soon, my lovely. Hope you are having a good weekend. !LUV !Hug
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You are an absolute wonder, @grindan. You impress me continually. Your forgiveness of "Ally" is a jaw-dropper right there. I loved hearing your birth story, and how you advocated for yourself and that you have become a woman who knows how to connect with, support, and be supported by other women. Love love love!!!
I could trade birth stories with you. This resonated so much with me. I had a doula for both of my deliveries. She really really tried to help me have the birth I wanted both times. (Long story both times.) What an amazing and important line of work!
Hey Jayna!! 🤗 Gosh, thank you so much for this kind and beautiful comment! I'm so grateful that this resonated with you, I think sharing these things between women is straight up medicinal.
I'd be over the moon to trade birth stories with you sometime! I could talk about birth all day tbh 😂💗
It's super cool that you also had a doula, I feel as if it is line of work that is not known widely enough- especially in the Midwest. I suggest to every first-time mom I know to check out doula services. I had no idea such wonderous women existed for my first two births!
Ahhh now I'm resisting asking 100 birth related questions 🤣
Hope you're having an awesome week 💚
It really is a great topic of conversation!
Just when I promised to stop crying over Hive posts...
I don't know what to say, Gee. Somehow it feels so wrong to experience this level of emotional cleansing with one work. It feels like I have to give back to you somehow for the mere reason that you let me experience something so rapturous in barely 2,000 words.
You're a strong, powerful woman, Gee. I know now why I connected to you the moment I saw that comment from you in my beginning posts. You reach out to the hearts and then to the souls of people by just being unapologetically you. Love you to the ends of the earth and back, Grindan. Thank you for this.♥️
I think you and I just like to make each other cry girl, because you just got me again too 🤣💗🤗
It's hard to even respond to what you said, because it makes me feel so happy to have friends to share this stuff with here. I feel like each time women share these tough experiences with each other, we all collectively heal a bit more. There's too much silence around our experiences.
Thank you for always giving my posts a thoughtful read, and in general just being awesome! You're one incredible and tough woman yourself 😎! Lots of love and hugs your way !LADY 💚
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Thank you @grindan for sharing this. How vulnerable we as women can be, but also how powerful we are when we come together.
For sharing how empowering birth and motherhood is, something so dear to my heart.
You are amazing xxx
!LADY
Thank you so much sis! It really means a lot to me to have a space to set these things down, I'm grateful for the great prompts, which got some things flowing for me! 💚 Big hugs your way!
Fucked up experience. Glad you came out the other side stronger for the wear and made a good friend.
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I lack words to really express how I feel but one thing I am certain of is that you are one strong lady. I read your first birth story months ago and I cried all through, I wanted to drop a comment but I felt it would be opening old wounds.
Keep being you !Lady as the world needs women like you💕💕
It's so crazy how we can feel each other in these things... It means so much to me that you cried with me while reading my first birth story. I want to give you a huge hug rn 🤗
You keep being you too, you're truly amazing!! 💗 !LADY !LUV
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It's important we maintain our real personalities, that we don't try to act differently to impress others. That way we attract the right people into our lives and live lives filled with joy and happiness. That's one of the lessons I got from your writeup. Thanks for sharing these touching experiences and wonderful pieces of advice here. Have a nice day, @grindan.
I'm so thrilled that you took some gems away from this post, I hope they serve you well! Thank you for taking the time to read my story and leave me a comment! I hope you have a wonderful day as well 💚
Your experiences in life is not even something that I can express with words but for real, you are a strong woman and continue to be the real person that you are. It goes a long way and I’m sure you’re benefitting from it which means there is more to come
Hugs your way!! We go through so many things as women, but at least we get to go through them together! 💗 Thank you for the lovely comment 🤗
9 pounds 13 ounces?! Whew, you deserve better Mother's Days. Well written.
Ahahahaha! I went back to the doctor that laughed at me later and told him that not only did I do it, but I birthed a giant and was feeling dandy! It was petty of me, but gosh did it feel good.
Emory was also like 23in long, As soon as I saw him it made sense why my stomach was SO MUCH bigger than with Thea 😂 Thanks for checking out my post !LADY 💗
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This is one of the most wonderful and beautiful write up have read so far, your experiences in live is huge indeed you are a strong woman 💪
Thank you for sharing this with our sisters.
Wow! Thank you so much for your kindness here, it means a lot that you liked my post so much! It's beautiful to have a space where us gals can talk about whatever we need to, I'm always grateful for the women I connect with here. A big hug your way 🤗💚
You’re a strong woman. The experience you had has just opened my eyes to how the world works. Glad I came across your post. 💪🏻✨
Shucks, I don't even know what to say to that but thank you!! 💚🤗
!LADY
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