This week's Ladies of Hive questions got me reflecting - am I happy? (Quite). But how often? And why?
Do you believe that we are happier today, than we were in times gone by? What brings true happiness and how important is it to you, to pursue it?
I cry an exorbitant amount for a woman who considers herself quite happy. I am quite an emotional person. My mom says it's because (in Jungian terms) I am more feeling than I am thinking. After some grumbles, I'm forced to concede that might be the case. I am heart-led by nature, and my chosen metier doesn't make things much easier. You need to feel in order to write well.
What's happiness?
From a chemical perspective, it's the release of serotonin and dopamine. Except, already, we've identified a few pitfalls with the theory. Dopamine and serotonin release have been linked to addictive behaviors like drug consumption, binge-drinking or endlessly scrolling social media. Believe it or not, staring at your 'reels' for an hour is making you chemically happy.
Surely, by that logic, we're the happiest we've ever been as a society. And yet.
When I Google it, I find happiness explained by easy, banal terms like "being present" which albeit wonderful (if you manage it) also seems to be putting more pressure on us. Be here now. There's a lot to be written about being here now. It does bring happiness. At times. Somehow, we've created this myth around presence that it's walking around in a perennial state of bliss. I don't think so. I think being here now ties into feeling a lot, and that also implies feeling shitty sometimes. It means being here now when the thing staring you in the face is dark and foul. When there are monsters and evil-doers afoot. Or worse, perhaps, when life is dull or painful all on its own. When you're angry or frustrated, feel small and not-enough.
I don't think being here now is at all what we make it out to be. Besides, it is a work-in-progress, often spanning lifetimes.
So then, how can we get happy now?
Personally, I don't think you can really be "happy" as long as you anchor yourself to a lifestyle devoid of meaning. And really, so much of our modern society is shell-oriented and lacks meaning. There's a lot of focus on the material, on career (and often in fields where they'll replace you tomorrow and not even notice you're dead), on our physical bodies (work that can be extremely meaningful, that we've relegated to soul-dead gym mentality, where we stare into our iPhones while we "take our body for a walk").
I think it's hard to be happy in our modern times because it's harder and harder to find meaning. We are, still, in the desert of desolation and nihilism that Nietzsche predicted, having killed God. And you know I'm not into that, but you'd have to be deluded to deny that religion for a very long time offered humanity a wealth of meaning and purpose.
Being as we are now often purposeless, we've fallen into worshipping false idols like wealth, reputation, luxury brands and easy sex. Woe be us, we dare be surprised at the lack of happiness in our society.
How do you find meaning?
By tethering yourself to what's real. And by returning to something larger than yourself. I don't mean God, though again, for some people, that can be it (and good for them, really). But even if that's not you, I think you need to identify "others", people that are not you and do as much as you can (without robbing yourself) to be of service to them.
It's a great tragedy that more and more people are going it alone. Exhausted with the hectic dating market (what a transactional, depressing construction), terrorized by anti-natalist agendas, and highly driven by me-me-me social platforms, a lot of young people are throwing up their hands and doing "self-care" to the detriment of others. They are freely labeling anyone they don't like as toxic, subverting the narrative of the nuclear family, and chasing ever-more-elusive productivity and hedonistic goals.
In other words, we've denounced not only God, but the old world of generations past for its less than ideal ways, and replaced it with tiny, identical altars of Me, where nothing we do is ever really good enough.
Well, fuck me. How do you find meaning indeed?
For me, it's learning to shut out much of that modern noise. The self-conscious voice that dismisses the old ways. Lately, I've found meaning in listening to strangers talk about what makes them excited. In cooking for the people close to me. In laughing over silly, shared things with someone despite our glaring differences. In writing.
I went through a period of self-focus, of trying (and failing) to buff everything from my fitness to my reading to my work to my lifestyle to my music to my my my. But it made me miserable. I still do things for me. Writing, cooking and recently dancing have been bringing me so much joy and satisfaction. It seems silly. But I've also found a great deal of meaning in stepping back and letting others take center stage. In reaching out. In doing things for someone else. For my family and my friends. Sometimes, for total strangers. And that's brought with it a wealth of happiness.
It's not easy, taking the time to really see the person standing before you. But then, most good things in life aren't meant to be.
My feeling is that Happy-ness is very heavily subjective as is our understanding of suffering.
You walk across a darkened room in your bare feet and you stub your toe on a misplaced item in your path. Your mind takes the original pain and amplifies it to the point of perhaps you sending mental blame to the person who had left the item rudely in your path. Perhaps a dialog happens in the mind where you tell that person how you feel about their unthoughtful action. Suffering is largely created in the head or at least amplified by thought. Pavlov's Dogs comes to mind.
For me it is not so much a question of are we happy but what thoughts are required for the dopamine release. One will be happy when...
Happy-ness is amplified or minimalized by mind/ego in my opinion. The self (the thing we are suggesting feels this happy-ness) being an even greater illusion in my opinion.
It's definitely Lego. What asshole kid leaves Lego on the floor? Did they not know the vacuum cleaner cometh?
I was chatting about this with my son the other day. That groan up on waking about having to go to work, yet when you go, you find it enjoyable enough. We agreed the habit of either not vocalizing the annoyance or changing the thought is healthier. We believe our own shit sometimes and it changes the happy.
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Hello my friend, I think that, for the majority of people, we have everything to be happy, a life, we just have to see it, with its ups and downs, learn from it, but we pay more attention to the distractions we face day by day, and we forget what really matters, and would make us really happy. A pleasure to read you, greetings.
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It is very touching to feel the happiness of doing things for someone else, for family and friends, thank you for sharing your reflections,
!LADY
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You have the wisdom of an old soul, and a way with words that for sure is a gift!
It's awfully sad that many young people choose to go it alone. Living a long fulfilled life with a soulmate is indescribably precious!
I recognize that person, see her in the mirror all of the time.
My wish for you is to meet that soulmate and know the ultimate love. Loving ourself in fact is loving our Creator.
One can go on and on with this topic.
Fabulous response @honeydue ❤️
!LADY
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a community encouraging first-hand content, and each individual living their best life.
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I'm really happy you shared your thoughts on this, and in such depth as well. I have been struggling with being happy of late. The world is so full on at the moment, so intense.
Sending you a hug my friend xxx