One of the bestest things I’ve discovered growing older is the marvelous well of good energy that is in female friendships. Not those bitchy, catty faux friendships where everything’s actually a contest of who’s got pricier clothes and nicer hair. But genuine, healthy, supportive, good vibe kinda female friendship.
It doesn’t even have to be a deep, meaningful besties-for-life type of thing. ‘Cause hopefully, at least with your closest friend, you could put the cattiness aside anyway. But with other women you encounter randomly or interact with as part of your given day.
Is it society that teaches us to claw each other’s eyes out? Is that in-built? After all, women have had to compete for so long for male attention. We’ve had to keep brazen women in line, so as not to get dragged down along with them. A lot of factors have gone into this competitive, ugly, toxic relationship that some women have with other women. Personally, I think it stems from insecurity.
When you don’t believe in yourself, it’s easy to get caught up on a woman whom you perceive as prettier. And let’s face it, the default for many of us women is to assume most other women are prettier than us. Anyone else find that logic a bit faulty?
Anyway, last night we had the last dance class as everyone’s taking a bit of a break over summer. It got me thinking back on how my own relationship with women has changed over the past year or so. I used to step forth in life with a lot of insecurities and though I was nice externally, I tended to compare myself a lot to other women. Coming here to dance (together with therapy) helped shift how I interact with other women.
Here, I met women who supported each other, both literally in dance, and figuratively. Women who didn’t come to show off, whose sweatpants weren’t worn in just such a way as to emphasize a peachy posterior. Who complimented and listened to each other authentically, without being judgmental or mean. In other words, I found myself admitted into a sisterhood I’d never before felt at ease in.
It amazed me what wealth I unlocked once I stopped doubting myself and suspecting everyone of ulterior motives.
Once I accepted that the woman sitting next to me could be beautiful and radiant, and it didn’t take anything from my own beauty and radiance.
We tend to worry about that without much actual cause. A lot of women tend to put other females down for the simple fear that they’ll somehow lose power or status if they acknowledge that woman’s beauty or some other virtue.
Despite my best efforts, I’m a bit of a clunky dancer. I was when I first came and while I’ve made significant progress, I still am. A lot of abrupt or halted movements. The occasional slam of a hipbone or shoulder. When I was younger, seeing another woman dance with grace and elegance when I’d made a clunky, boyish mess earlier would’ve got me feeling so self-conscious. Especially when dancing with or in front of men.
That’s another thing that’s changed quite drastically for me. Lacking a vital paternal figure to validate and approve of me, I thrived on male attention. On the knowledge that I was desired, appreciated (even if often for superficial things, like my appearance, not my actual virtues). If another woman was a graceful and beautiful dancer, that would’ve felt like such sabotage. I would’ve hated her. Now though, I can sit and admire or dance with a woman who’s more graceful than I am, and no longer feel intimidated. I know who I am and I’ve accepted that, even if I’m clunky. It’s still me.
Interestingly enough, that acceptance of self (and of others) has made me a better dancer, in turn. Self-conscious as I was, I would’ve rather sat on the sidelines than show myself so inferior to other women (again, especially in the eyes of men). I love to dance. I love dancing with women, but more so, still, with men. Except now, I’m free when I dance. I’ve stopped worrying oh he’ll see how awkward I am. I’m more along the lines of oh well. Maybe I’m not as awkward as my inner critic tells me. And maybe I am, and if this person doesn’t like that, then they’ll move away and go dance with someone else. And that’s fine.
I’ve grown so much since I stopped comparing myself with women, or thinking there needed to be an instant, perpetual hierarchy. I’ve learned to recognize myself, through the eyes of other beautiful women that which is graceful and beautiful, that good energy inside myself. And much as I love men, I’ve yet to meet a man who could show me that. Because supportive, healthy, non-competitive women support and nourish you in a different way even from supportive, healthy men.
So, a quiet, more or less graceful yay for female friendship.
It's rare to find this kind of woman nowadays, the one that would help you grow and motivate you to do better.
It is, indeed. All the more reason to hold on to them when they appear.
It sounds like you've built some really great friendships, and learned to dance as a bonus. I'm glad you're having such a good year!
Will you be keeping in touch with some of these women outside of class?
I honestly don't know. I might. But everyone's gonna be traveling over the summer, myself included, so only time will tell :) How are you?
She may have not Danced but my late Roommate Deb helped make me a better person over all in many ways since being a dumpster fire on legs before meeting her. A best friend and much wiser than I could ever be or she wouldn't have been my roommate for over 20 years, I lost her cancer last September.
I'm so so sorry for your loss <3 But also glad you had that in your life. That sort of connection doesn't come around often.
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