Just me

What's buzzin my beloved Hive peeps!

Oh no...Not one of those again!! Just kidding of course. I know those who have recognized my not that secret new identity are probably waiting for those cool mountains again, and I will get to that soon enough. @brittandjosie said she might know someone to help me get back into my ladybug account, either way I knew making it back here was a sure way of at least try to troubleshoot so I figured I might wait for that to post a mountain post where it belongs. Maybe part of me is scared to know what the outcome might be if it isn't in my favor and how I will handle it. Right now it's like Schrodinger's cat. Is it dead? Is it alive? Sometimes the limbo brings me some comfort that it's not total disappointment until I'm ready to deal with the worse case scenario. I'm a bit silly like that but it's a reality I will have to face sooner rather than later.

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My return and writing a few posts and spending so much time looking at a screen gave me this massive migraine for a few days. Oh how times have changed compared to when I could spend days on end being here! Maybe my brain went into overdrive and started fuming, thinking too hard! Maybe I just need to stretch my eyeballs first. To be real tho, catching the vid a few years back left me with some permanent damage especially in the brain and I get these unbearable migraines pretty frequently and it's really annoying, I'm sure that didn't help my case.

One way or another, my brain feels a little rusty in the writing department and maybe I need to exercise it with a few posts before I can get my former travel posting self, I seem to still lack the inspiration on how to put it together in my usual description, I'm sure the proper thoughts will come in due time and a little writing practice. That was another part that's been hard on me, having to re-learn a lot of things. It's been a little weird forgetting my name and the art of conversation, writing included.

We tend to take a lot of things for granted in life and for me, that was one of those things. I became so frustrated with my speech and thinking abilities, the brain fog that persisted made it hard to remember simple words mid conversation and I got so frustrated that I pretty much stopped having them because I felt embarrassed with my inability to communicate my thoughts clearly leaving to feel mostly unheard and not understood whatsoever. Reading has been working wonders on that front but I still struggle with remembering what I read. I read like 20+ books this winter alone, I'll probably have to re-read them to get the full context inside of them. Maybe I'm experiencing an information overload.

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I can't say I have stuck to a specific topic or that there is even any cohesion to it. Nonetheless it is enlightening, learning about different cultures modern or ancient, concepts on spirituality vs religion, analyze my own journey along side, dissecting my own thoughts and reconstructing them Karl Jung style. The process of individuation as he calls it. Rather interesting exploring the sub-conscious mind...the weirdest things tend to hang out over there, our shadow self, our darkness trying to hide. Then I came across his work and took interests in his journals afterward, it made me laugh. I never had words for what I was going thru but he put them all on paper for me ahead of time, I somehow could relate to his rather complicated theories using similar descriptions. Was I him in a past life somehow and continuing my innerworkings research? Interesting to think about.

Maybe being locked out of my account saved me from myself and my own self-sabotage because that would have caused me to give up writing completely in discouragement with the realization of the full impact right then and there. Sometimes the universe works in strange ways. I did hit a rough patch mentally overall because of it all, the stress of being sick and losing parts of my own self when I woke up. My self esteem did take a bit of a ding for a while but I have been working hard on that, finding my new normal, changing what I can and accepting what I cannot change. I'm still not sure if it's a good or bad thing yet, I suppose nothing is fully good or bad, we as humans are the equalizer in between that chooses to what degree in the middle we deem acceptable enough for us to carry on without regrets.

To be honest, I did meet/have a conversation with God or whatever you want to call it, doesn't really matter, there is something bigger than us that creates stuff and destinies out there and it has thoughts and a personality too. Trials and tribulation is a thing too but not quite as scary or full of dogma as religion describes it either, to be fair, I wasn't overly shitty in my actions during my life. It was legit supposed to be my time to go in 2020 but somehow I was re-incarnated in the same body with new instructions and new concepts to learn based on my former interest. Strange to say the least. Obviously not everything belongs on the blockchain so I won't get in full details of these convos that took place over these few days. Maybe a few hints here and there as I continue my writing journey. Long story short my weird thought process is something that was valued and wanted to study it further because it was even too weird for him. I probably live in my head way too much Oh dear! What have I done 😆😅

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He said It looked like I started a bunch of dumpster fires with no rhyme or reason going against his plan for me (yup sounds just like something I do) but then it all came together like a masterpiece and to keep going whatever that even means... I can't really see all of what the other side sees and some things are just beyond human comprehension so it can't really be explained to us anyway. But starting dumpster fires is just my style so why question that statement, I just went with it. Go with the flow...right! But what now? Keep being a shit disturber then? I can get on board with that.

To be fair, I disturb piles for my own personal growth and the growth of others. Being a female in "a man's world" as they like to claim at work is a prime example of that. Challenging the status quo where old outdated beliefs are in place. Not everyone agrees with us ladies being there to this day but the mindset is changing...so ever slowly but changing for the better nonetheless. Maybe my challenging nature was what was valued. My stubbornness of going against whatever odds I encounter and challenging everything I dislike in this world to a dual. You know what they say, a hard head creates a soft ass, I certainly don't win at all the challenges but I do ok enough and even in my losses, perspective is always gained and in the end, that makes it a win every time in one form or another.

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I'm sorry that I worried some with my absence as I got locked out, perhaps some of you intuitively knew too, maybe that's why you thought of my demise, because it actually was. The demise of my former self so my new self could be born, maybe that's why I feel different and don't really know myself anymore, maybe I got new hardware, not yet discovered new perspective to be gained while I was there. I had the choice, to go or come back. As annoyed as I might get with the distorted society we live in and the coldness of human behavior, I decided to come back anyway even tho I never had any real attachments to living this world. No need to be concerned tho, it's not the darkest of thoughts taking over, I was always like that. Why tho?

So many tell me be grateful you wake up every morning and all the bla bla bla's, somehow so many want to be here forever even it means the wearing out of their bodies and they can't do much with it because of all the aches from old dusty joints and whatever other permanent booboos we accumulate as we age, people fear death and want to live in their 90's, 100's whatever. In my mind...But why? Is it even worth living if you can hardly move far from the porch, needing people to do most things for me? I don't like to rely on others for anything. I always believed in re-incarnation and the idea of a fresh body every so often is no different than getting a new car when the old one turns into junk.

I try my best to just live fully the way I want to live as I go, not society's standards , in other words a life well lived is what matters to me in the end, not longevity. Longevity without quality sounds like torture. Why be here for nothing? Here to work pay bills and wait to die, where is the fun in that? Not sure that's the type of insight I want my spirit to take back to the afterlife. Many like to wait until retirement to live out their dreams, by then all those dreams become forgotten because it takes too much energy to do anything fun. Now way too close to my 40's, I notice I don't climb mountains as easily as I did lets say even a decade ago. Sleeping on the ground camping in whatever conditions also isn't as fun either. Life passes us quicker than we would like to admit but we cannot stop time so why hold back in exchange for nothing but the daily grind?

Boomers tend to judge millennials for our playful nature and lack of the "grind mentality", lack of following their rules they think is fit for society, not having kids, not being married for a million years to the same partner thru thick and thin even in unhappiness, buying overpriced real estate, investing into crypto instead of a sick stock market or killing overpriced clothing brands, whatever else they want to pick on. You do you sweetie, always...best way to have a happy life. If it doesn't hurt anyone why hold back from actually living our way. Living restricted, in shackles. Some in their old age are only starting to realize that now at 70 after most of their life has already passed them by. I wish I had done this or that. Don't wish, just DO DO DO. It
isn't anyone's business but your own. No need to care what others think, it's overrated. Life is about balance.

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Maybe my demise/ re-birth forced me to analyze my own priorities in life, how I actually want to live. What is truly important. That answer is different for each and everyone of us. Perhaps why we seem to be in a mental health crisis within our societies. Not enough of us are looking deep within ourselves and what kind of experiences we truly want out of life instead of going with what society says IS. Maybe why some with the least can seem the happiest. Maybe they are the ones who are truly free, content with their blessings, spend their time however they want chasing things that are fulfilling rather than soul sucking. Our modern societies have us chasing things that don't matter to impress people we don't care about with all the shiny stuff money can buy just to keep up appearances of success. At the end of the day what is success? This mythical thing with meaningless titles and things attached to it. Does anyone even have a clear definition of success?

What does your heart truly want... Ever ask yourself? Do you dare to even look? Why are we afraid of finding out? Why are we afraid of our true selves? Who are you really? I am what I am and I never understood this more than I do today and understand that definition will always change, the good the bad and the ugly...I love it all because it is me and thankfully for the rest of the world, there is only one of those weirdos. Even if I get back into my old account, I might still use this one for my more philosophical side not to annoy my trail followers. Not everyone is ready to face and embrace this sort of thinking yet.

Alright that's it for now, BZZZ BZZZ my beautiful Bees!

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