"Was the last client difficult?" The voice pulled me out of my thoughts about the tea.
"No, not really. It’s the same story every Friday."
The client actually comes here to share her story, but today, my mind wasn’t there. My practice space is spacious yet cozy. White walls, with one accent wall in soft gray. There is nothing personal hanging on the walls, nothing from my family. A simple black metal shelf is mounted on the accent wall, carefully decorated with small treasures. A golden candle set, vases with dried flowers, mainly lavender as the central theme. The floor is painted white, but you can still see the wooden texture beneath. To me, the floor is perfect because of its imperfections. Two gray armchairs with high backs stand in the center of the room with a small table between them. The lighting in the room is soft and calming, and that is, of course, intentional. As a therapist, it is essential that people feel at ease quickly. This room hears so many stories and holds so many secrets that its neutral decor makes it easier to accommodate them.
I had that same strange feeling during my last session. The room felt heavy, but not because of my patient’s story this time. My work is my passion, but today, it felt like only my body was present in the room. There was even a moment when it seemed as if I were watching myself, completely absorbed in my work.
I answer her question calmly, though I think some time has passed. "Only my feet hurt, and I have this annoying chill all over my body. I can feel the goosebumps rising on my arms, and even though I try to resist it, a shiver suddenly runs down my spine. I have no idea what this means, it just feels eerie."
She smiles at me from the other chair in the kitchen, her coffee cup in front of her.
"Could it be from exhaustion, sweetheart? And are you really sure you can go through with this? I won’t blame you if you change your mind, darling."
The sentence wasn’t even fully spoken before I heard my own voice echo through the kitchen:
"That’s out of the question! Together in, together out!"
The sentence wasn’t even fully spoken before I heard my own voice echo through the kitchen:
"That’s out of the question! Together in, together out!"
Did I just say those words? Of course, I did. I’ve said those exact words hundreds of times over the past few months. Surprised by my own response, I look at her for the first time this evening. It’s not that I haven’t seen her before or that I’m not aware of her presence. Only now do I remember that I stroked her back when I entered the kitchen and placed a kiss on the crown of her head. Then, I calmly walked further into the perfectly white kitchen, white floors, white cabinets, white appliances. Everything neatly arranged, just the way I like it; otherwise, I lose my focus. The only things allowed to grow freely in this space are my herbs.
Just yesterday, we talked at length, I remind myself as I look at her now. We discussed every detail of her plan and the alternative scenarios if things went differently. In truth, I don’t know if I want to be part of her plans, but I gave her my word. And if there’s one thing I always am, it’s loyal, especially to her. No, I don’t want to do this. I think her plan is utter nonsense, and I am not ready.
"Do you remember how you were as a child? You were always the strongest, and I know you can do this. You have a wonderful family, beautiful children and an amazing husband. You made a life for yourself in a way I never could. I've always looked up to you, admired you for the choices you made, even when I didn't agree with them. And look at you now! You were always my favorite, even though you never needed me. The world works in strange ways, sweetheart. The people you have expectations of never live up to them, and the ones who actually succeed… you end up forgetting about them. If you think about it, it’s almost laughable."
At that moment, I stopped breathing. Not a single breath made it into my lungs. Me, the one so focused on breathing techniques...I stopped. Your hands slid into mine, and then suddenly, everything became chaos. I could no longer distinguish my body from yours.
Suddenly, I was on the floor, which somehow felt even colder than before. My comforting vest slipped from my shoulders, weighed down by the blood. It felt like a death shroud, and at this moment, that shroud seemed to fit me. No words, no breath, only an eerie silence as your eyes met mine, and I still felt your hands on me.
It is terrifyingly quiet in a room without oxygen, and on a scarlet-red carpet, I feel my body gasping for air, but I can’t get any in. Your hands don’t let go of me, though they start pressing less and less. The pressure is no longer necessary because the moment I see the emptiness in your eyes, I know, it’s over.
I think of my family and feel guilty, despite all the stories I’ve heard over the past few months. An unexpected death is easier for those left behind than a death you see coming. My body and mind have surrendered the fight for oxygen.
This was my last Friday: The day I died.
Great read again! Love your writings ;-)
!BBH
!STRIDE
!LOLZ
!WEIRD
!DOOK
!MMB
!INEEDSLEEP
!GIFU
Thank you and for your support ❤️
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@borniet wants to share GiFu with you! so I just sent 20.0 SWAP.GIFU@nathalie-s! to your account on behalf of @borniet.
Been long since I read something this sweet, for a moment I felt like I was watching a movie, hehhe.
I hope to read more of this. 😘
I don't know if you are familiar with the ink well community. Fictions and creative nonfiction are allowed there.. if you haven't please come over so that some of us can learn from you🙈
Yes someone pointed it out to me today. I told her I was hesitant because I am not so confident in my writing. But I will do it. Thanks for the sweet words
What? Well I am supper confident about your writing. Please come over.. 🥰🥹
Thank you 🙏 🥰
I hope to see you around 🥰
Greatly expressed and such vivid imagery, you are a really great writer. Enjoyed it thoroughly, Applause👏👏👏
Thank you very much for the lovely comment ❤️
So interesting