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Intrusive thoughts, such as imagining yourself interacting with other men or comparing yourself to other women, are signs that your mind is trying to release the internal tension you feel.
However, these thoughts do not reflect the reality of your relationship or your ability to be a good partner. The fact that you worry about the situation shows how much you value your bond with your boyfriend.
It is normal to feel confusion, especially when anxiety generates catastrophic thoughts. You are no less for experiencing this, nor do you deserve any less for going through this complex time.
The low self-esteem you feel is part of the anxiety and depression process, but with the right support, you can rebuild your confidence. The idea of death, although painful, indicates that you need help to cope with the emotional burden you are carrying.
I recommend that you seek professional support from a therapist or psychologist to help you understand and manage these thoughts. Talking to an expert can offer you a new perspective on what you are feeling and help you find ways to calm your mind.
In addition, working on relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and mindfulness, can be helpful in managing anxiety during difficult times.
Your relationship is valuable, but the most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. Only when you feel good about yourself will you be able to fully enjoy what you have built with your partner.
Remember that you are not alone in your suffering and that support is available. Don't hesitate to seek it out.
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