Most of my life, I've been searching for my ultimate purpose. To answer these questions that's causing my anxiety, and to live the life I really wanted it to be, which I can be happy doing the job I have chosen and doing it heartily even if monetary incentives aside. It's different for a passion I've instilled in myself where I trained for it from a certain advocacy to a self-fulfillment.
The thing that made me contemplate for years even now is that whichever will be my calling...
Others find it on educating, public service, business, writing, health care providers, and many more, but when it comes to myself, I couldn't decide on one thing that I'm willing to do until my retirement. I don't even want to be a stay-at-home for my only daughter. I wanted to be a goal-oriented independent woman and be a role model to my kid and nieces.
Yet, how could I do so when I'm not even sure which certain path to take?
Back in high school, writing was at the peak of my interests. There's only one thing I ever wanted to achieve in that day and it was to publish my pieces. However, I received negative feedbacks when I shared my goals to my family members. They told me it can't live me off and my family. Moreover, if I pursue it, the available course related to what I want is Journalism. Campuses are situated on another island, and the expenses couldn't be afford. I was discouraged, depressed, and lost to hear all of those painful words from their mouths when they think it's more of a hobby than a meaningful living.
Why not be an English Teacher instead since you're interested at it? Yes I considered that option, but educating is different from literature writing. Far more different from the life I pictured out, but my younger self have no choice at the time. I don't want to speak in front of people. I just like watching them from afar, and write down all of what I have in mind regarding the current situation.
"Be more practical," they said.
Indecisiveness, depression, and hatred have eaten my whole system. It's like walking in a thick fog in the morning which you couldn't see where you are headed to. Any other options couldn't came to me, as I was so lost when I was forced to take another path.
I was in the verge of undervaluing myself and hating the universe for my misery. When another opportunity knocks on my door, I took flight straight to the venue without preparation or permission. My rebellious mind was determined to do things my relatives would hate.
Around 4:00 am, I went to a center conducting the Philippine Military Academy Entrance Examinations with my report card, birth certificate, ID, and the courage that I didn't know where have I gotten such. All I know was to serve to in the military so even if I die, I have died with a purpose not giving care to the thoughts of anyone who'll knew. Despite the courage I brought, I failed my mission due to lack of preparation since I didn't even review.
My time had run out when my high school graduation were fast approaching. I'm still indecisive with a rebellious mind, and I haven't looked for nearby universities where I could possibly enroll. Consequently, I worked after high school in a business field, and becomes stagnant in writing for almost 4 years. My skills have dulled, and I couldn't even compose a paragraph properly when I first tried blogging this pandemic.
And back to that ultimate purpose or the calling that I have been contemplating for years, I still don't have my answers until now. All I could do is to reflect on my past actions, straighten out my perspectives, and create an identity when I can't find my calling yet.
Maybe, it lies in something I've done every time I listen to my friends' frustrations as they rant it out and I'll comfort them, then they'll feel peaceful and it's fulfilling for me to give help. It's the same thing when I empower and save people's lives in the rescue organization. Or maybe, when I can teach my classmates to understand our assignments in class this college. I couldn't figure it out exactly but maybe it is already something that I'm already doing but I'm just looking for something else instead.
However, in my current situation, it's mixed up with my daily grind to help me live. Somehow, it helps me to be patient and see how everything will turns out in the process. The search for my ultimate purpose becomes a motivation for me to build myself, improve more, discover more aspects, and garner more knowledge in the hopes to know that maybe I'm built for something where I'm really supposed to be.