I was sick last week. The usual. When everyone in your child's school is sick, it's only a matter of time, and no matter how much Vit C+D and ginger and turmeric and such you consume, it will get to you eventually. Good thing is, that me and Lily were the last to be haunted, and it only lasted for a few days. A mild cold, instead of the fever that the rest got, so the Vitamins and such did help.
Now, being sick and having a child is not fun. The body is using most energy to fight the bacteria. But you're child needs some of your energy, too. And the business. And the girlfriend. And random people. I'm one to feel way too responsible for way too many things.
The Bartleby-argument in a nutshell
In his book "The Burn-Out Society", Byung-Chol Han quotes and paraphrases the Melvilles "Bartleby, the scrivener" for his argument of active tiredness against passive exhaustion. It's still one of my favorite arguments ever made, and is responsible for a lot of change in my life. My interpretation of the argument goes as follows:
In a world of overflowing positivity, we need negativity (or resistance) towards the endless stream of "Yes, we can." Putting limits actively is a vital importance. The phrase "I would prefer not to." is a great example for that. If one is tired, there are two things we can do. Either say "I can't, I'm too tired" - that is a surrender, a failure, a passive capitulation. "I would prefer not to" on the other hand is an active not-doing, putting a limit to one's own capacity and acknowledging the tiredness.
So, a year ago, I started saying "I would prefer not to" to myself - because I'm my biggest exploiter, brought up in a productivity-oriented environment, socialized under the treacherous freedom of "You can achieve everything you want." So I had to learn to set limits to myself. Define my boundaries. Yes, I did accomplish a whole lot in everything I did, and I was luckily able to pull the breaks before I ended like so many others - not really voluntarily, but after a burn-out.
To prefer, or not to prefer
These days, when I was sick, I said:
I would prefer not to go to the gym.
I would prefer not to write posts.
I would prefer not to work on non essentials.
I would prefer not to have meetings.
I would prefer not to support other people with their needs.
At the same time, by doing just that, I also prioritized what I did prefer.
I prefer to rest as much as I can.
I prefer to find things to do with Lily that are suitable for both of us right now.
I prefer to keep cooking healthy and delicious meals for us.
I prefer to have thoughtful voice-message exchange with my friend.
I prefer getting bored while resting, letting my fantasy run and create new ideas by that.
The intention
Before my burn-out, everything I did was focused on productivity. I wasn't working out and eating good and taking vitamins for the health of the health's sake, but to stay as productive as possible. I wasn't learning for the sake of learning, but to enhance my performance. I didn't go on walks through nature for the sake of itself, but to recharge my batteries as fast as possible and then work more.
I try to get away from that. But it's not easy. Re-assessing a value that one grew up with and cherished for a long time is quite the challenge, but I do recommend it.
I might give this a go!
It is an interesting experiment to start actively choosing not to do something, instead of the passive "not being able to for whatever reason." If you try, let me know how it works out, please :-D