imagining oneself being dead - what does that look like?
This used to keep me up at night a lot when I was a kid. I hated not knowing!
We want to survive for others.
So true mate! I am an absolute mess when I am living by myself. Lack of motivation to do much of anything: cook, clean, wash, sleep. The last time my partner left me, I was staying up late at night doing nonsense while letting the dishes stack up and eating very little food because I could barely be bothered to make it.
I hate living alone, and in my while life, I've only ever lived in a leased apartment solo for about 4 months. It was awful. At least when I was living out of my car by myself, there was some adventure to camping out and the need to take care of myself in these random situations. Plus I was still making plenty of house calls through internet dating, so I was less alone than during my apartment lease. You are right, I am more motivated to do for others than I am to do for myself!
I have spent a few years living alone over the last 25, but no more than a couple in a row. I don't like it either, though there are some good sides to it as a younger single guy (back in the day). My place would always be spotless though, and the sheets changed regularly :)
Your family raised you right! For me though, spots everywhere, even with my current roommates/partner. It is definitely one of my drawbacks for sure.