“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. - Luke 6:37
“ It’s not healthy to wait for someone to die,” I am paraphrasing what Zack said to me.
It sounded so cruel and cold when you declared to the world that you wished that someone would die faster.
I want to let go of this tangled mess of emotions. Given everything happening, I've found that writing things down helps. It could be a plea for help to find more answers about whether I did the right thing or have the right to be criticized.
Early this year, when we heard my dad was diagnosed with the complications that cut his life short, I still held a lot of grudges. How can I not? He abandoned our family for more than a couple of years and cheated on my mom for a decade. He was gone, and suddenly, when our life turned out great, he reappeared.
My mom was the only one who still clung to him, believing the stupid ideas of everlasting love. Her hopeless romantic side took over more than her logical brain would.
She could have found a more affluent husband, and I could have seen her with someone better. I wouldn’t mind having a wealthier stepfather for once, you know. Before that, many suitors were already coming into our house and waiting for her to finally have that piece of divorce paper. I was encouraging her to finally get happiness, but her idea of happiness was different. She would rather be known as someone loyal to her husband even when he’s about to die.
I can tell you as much: my family story would have made a great romantic and dramatic novel that sells.
Most importantly, in the end, I am also paying the price of her happiness.
To me, her happiness matters more than anything in the entire world. When she eventually decided to take him in, I cursed and held so much resentment. I told everyone out loud that I just wished he would be dead faster. But I was willing to pray whatever price for her happiness.
Whenever I had financial difficulties, it felt like an extra burden that I was paying for someone who didn’t feel grateful at all for everything we’ve tried to do. But in between, sometimes there are moments when it’s not that horrible when I am thankful for everything he has tried to give me.
They could’ve been childless their entire lives, but they added me to their burden. That’s some dedication that not everyone is willing to raise someone else’s child. That’s enough ground for me to be less bitter about everything. After all, my family wasn’t demanding much of me.
Lately, that resentment came just because he was having difficulty due to his sickness. He’s in the terminal stage of all his illness complications and is almost blind. Medically, he wouldn’t last another year or two.
The craziest part is that part of me is waiting for that day. However, some of me still had some compassion left. I hoped he would be fine again so we could do many things together as we’ve always planned, such as a road trip, camping, and fishing by the sea.
It’s the gray area of emotion I could never understand. I’ve always felt like I was a person who recognized only good versus evil, black and white, and happy or sad. I was torn between them since I couldn’t forgive him yet. He wasn’t easy to deal with, but seeing my mom happy gave me strength. I wanted her to get the closure she needed. I don’t want her to live the rest of her years wondering, feeling bitter about the whole thing, and never having the chance to be happy.
At first, our family and neighbors criticized our decision. But because that’s what my mom wants, and that’s her happiness, everyone understood it. As much as I do, we all want my mom to be happy.
These things aren’t logical, not to me, my family, the people I know, or even my mom. They are ridiculous, and sometimes, others have looked at us with pity because of them. I am not as strong as my mom, and sometimes, I tell her that it’s such a shameful thing to be the subject of pity. But now, she's indifferent to it, and I've learned to feel the same way.
Perhaps this is the pause between the farewell. Everyone in our family must’ve gotten closure, forgiveness, and peace. For the past decade of our rough lives, we needed some closure and forgiveness so that in the following decade, everyone could have moved on and carried only the cherished memories and valuable lessons learned along the way.
 | 𝘔𝘢𝘤 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘢 & 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳 . 𝘈 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘺. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨, 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. 𝘖𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘤𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯! 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘱𝘷𝘰𝘵𝘦, 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘈 𝘳𝘦-𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰. |
Oh Mac, what a beautiful, poignant and well written post.
I simply wish you all happiness and peaceful souls.
The peace is what we all need and I wish you the same 😊 Have a great weekend ahead. By the way, Netflix recently released The Empress of Ayodya, I wonder if your wife is into that type of movie. It looks pretty epic
Thank you Mac. We watched it as it was released...
It was quite epic but the odd thing was, none of the main characters were very likable! There were also a few unsavoury scenes that were left me feeling uncomfortable.
Also, google the scandal that erupted here over the cat in the series lol
Enjoy 😉
oooooh I am gonna google that haha I am currently watching it. I only know the main actress, she's pretty famous isn't she?
I guess they went too far without thinking they could've use CGI but the cat picture looks hilarious 😂
Everyone thought they'd really drugged and killed the cat lol
Yes, I'm told she is very famous here. I googled her Insta err in the name of research lol...and she has millions of followers!
@macchiata, I paid out 0.281 HIVE and 0.095 HBD to reward 2 comments in this discussion thread.
It feels good to forgive and not hold grudges with someone. I am happy that you forgive your dad despite the mistakes he committed in your family. You are a good daughter.😊