My Unreciprocated First Love

In today's blog, allow me to share my experience about my admiration on someone for almost seven years and how it went 'till now..

Have you ever admired or liked someone and ask yourself "What does feel to be this person's lover?" . "What do you think would happen if we are each other's end game, after all rejections he did to me or even after he ignored me a couple times because he has a girlfriend?". " Are we going to be happy? What if his parents doesn't like me? What if after couple of weeks, or months he got tired of me?"

Those were the questions I asked myself before. Questions that gave me alot of realizations and woke me up from my hallucination. I have admired this guy for almost seven years. He was my first and ever love. I've known him since I was in seventh grade ,or first year high school. It may sound cliche but, it was the first day of my high school life, I was inside our gymnasium along with my classmates. Our Principal was speaking in front of the stage, talking about the rules and regulations of our school, when suddenly, a nerdy boy passed by our row heading towards his classmates. In my eyes, he was the most handsome creature I have ever seen in my life that day. It seems that the surroundings brightens when he arrived. The way he walked was so sexy for me that day, he was brushing with his fingers his straight korean-like cut hair, wearing glasses and uniform on the very first day school.

I thought it was just a mere coincidence, after I saw him being like Zeus coming down from Olympus, but then suddenly, another coincidence happened. I didn't expected we'll be in the same building, where his classroom was just on the first floor of our department. My room is located just above his room, literally above their classroom.

Time passed and it was recess, my favorite time in my high school life. I went out of our room to breathe some fresh air. I was stretching my arms while gazing outside our room and afterwards, I leaned on the railings looking at the school and its view, when suddenly, he popped up. He showed up with his friends, laughing while talking. I was stiffed at that moment and i didn't know what to do. My dumb heart beated so fast. It was racing crazily.

Beleive me, from that day, i know to myself that I was inlove with him.

Fast forward...

Two years had passed, I still couldn't get over him. Grade nine, I entered a sport, futsal to be exact. We were doing our drills and everything when all of the sudden I saw him with a girl. I got distracted and got scolded by our coach. Yet I still want to showcase my skills on him, hoping he would notice me even just for once, but he didn't. He never tried 'cause he didn't care at all. It was really hurting. I got devastated and cried, but still I couldn't help but like him even more. Though he already had a girlfriend, I was still hoping, haha, I was really hooked up on him, i was totally flipped. Flipped without him knowing.

One time, after a very tiring day of my training (futsal), me and my friend were heading home, it was around 5:00 pm. We were walking outside the school when we decided to buy some food on our favorite vendor outside the campus near the gate, when another painful coincidence happened. He was outside, holding the bag of his new girl, while the girl was feeding him fish ball (street food) and juice. They were laughing and smiling at each other. I felt very envious of them, yet I couldn't do anything, because I don't have any right to walk towards them and confront him. I was the admirer and he was the target of my admiration. I know him but he doesn't have any idea of me.

On my sixth year of admiration on him. I finally had the courage to chat him on social media. A friend of mine was also his childhood friend. My friend was a girl, she was the one who pushed me to initiate first so that we could have our first conversation. So, i did, but then, it ended after a week. Yes, after a week. It didn't last a month or even two weeks ,but only a week.

On that very moment ,I realized I was so inlove with him that I didn't even looked at other guys who admired me because I was so focus on him. I realized, I lost some good guys who had good intentions towards me because of my dumb feelings on a boy who didn't even try to get to know me. I lost the opportunity to feel the feeling of being admired becausemy eyes and heart are too focus on him. I gave my heart to someone who doesn't care about it.

He doesn't had any idea of my admiration, not until I told him, the week we chatted. I was so martyr right. I cried over a guy who never tried to know me. I wasted effort on a guy who didn't saw my worth. I was so loyal on him. I was so flattered by his looks.

After a year of moving on, I concluded that he was not the one. Yes I know, we are not supposed to say words that aren't finished. But, after being heartbroken like that, I could really say that, it's over between us, although there was never an us. No more chance. But atleast, I found the key and was released from the prison I created 6 years ago.

I am happy now. I do entertain guys as well, without the thought of him. Believe me or not, I moved on. Though it took me a year, but it was all worth it. I can finally say that I'm free haha.

The lesson I learned from that bittersweet experience about admiring someone is that, never ever give your heart on someone who doesn't deserve you. Do not admire someone just by their looks, because it can deceive you. Looks are very deceiving, so don't fall for it too quickly. Also, do not close your heart when someone wants to prove their love to you, not to the point that you are going to entertain them everyday but ,let them prove that they are worthy of your love and attention. Do not settle for less, but also, do not set too high standards as well.

The right person will come in the right time, at the right place and right situation. Because there is always time for everything.

Just remember what God says in Eccleciastes 3:8 (Goodnews Version) He sets the time for love.