My wife often tells me I'm too open, I share too much, but I find strength in the vulnerability. Its like walking without shoes, hurting your feet, adapting to the terrain.
You sharing this means you are becoming stronger.
I have both my parents alive, although I expect a phone call about my father any day. I was raised by my mother, and my father figure was my grandpa. When he died I felt lost for a little while, but I also felt relief. He was in a lot of pain. But at least his cancer battle was short lived.
I've gone to visit his grave a few times since he passed. It's been ten years now, and when I'm there I always cry. I know it's just a box, I know it's just some bones, I know he's not really in there, but still...
The farm where I live was his. It was also his gift to us, which is why I left the US and decided to move here. Its also why the guitars I build have his name. Because I feel compelled to let him live a little bit longer- through me, my existing.
In a way your mom is still alive, through you she holds on.
The truth is, we don't realize how strong we are. When we have no choice, we do the impossible as well, because that is what is needed.
Once I heard a psychologist speaking in the radio and she said in case of long illnesses, grief starts when the illness is discovered. I can tell you, this is so true. In 1.5 years how much my mom had, I went through a lot of phases, from denial to acceptance, but I knew one thing, that I have to give her everything possible, and I did. I have my conscience clear, no regrets, but I still ask why did she have to suffer like that?
Anyway, I can understand how you feel regarding your grandfather and am glad you get to continue his work and take care of his farm. It means a lot to him, trust me. I'm sorry you're expecting bad news about your dad, but unfortunately this is the course of life.
I know exactly what you mean and only those can understand this who went through it.