It’s been a while since writing/posting, and the itch is acting up. On/about what… ah, that persistent question. There’s always a ton of topics that could be written about - though perhaps its the wisdom of age creeping in, that I seem to be exercising more restraint in choosing which ideas to follow/extract as have become increasingly aware of my time-blindness and the reality of how much time & energy any creative act takes - and how exhaustive the pattern was getting of launching into writings without caution, seeking a quick creative discharge to only end up unsatisfied & frustrated, wondering if it was worthwhile at all. But I digress.
So anyways, instead of choosing a single topic and approaching with a focused seriousness as often have, this one’s simply gonna be a schmorgasbord of reflections as the summer rolls to its end, grazing upon facets of life currently in awareness - encoded with some lessons along with whatever blend of cultural critique, self-depricating humor, or whatever else wants to come through. Onwards we go…
It’s crazy how time passes…
It seems like I just blinked and it was the end of snowboard season; 6 weeks back in Revelstoke, and wondering how I’d manage the next 8 months without riding and adjust to what seemed would be too slow & boring a pace. Sure enough, you adjust. The shoulder season before the resort opened for summer was stunningly beautiful with its quietude; a month back in Edmonton was a great switchup; first couple weeks back in Revy were nice, as was a short visit in Kelowna; and next ya know, another 6 weeks flies by and bam. Looking up one morning, there’s a fresh layer of snow grazed on the mountain. Summer nearly over. Only three months until snowboarding starts up again.
And with such mixed feelings.
There were definitely tingles of excitement as seeing that snow on the peaks. (Though it’s since melted.) Though also an odd, unexpected unsettledness - perhaps with change itself, having just sorta got settled into the state of things as they are now. It’s weird - a couple months ago, I was still obsessing over my new snowboard gear and was thrilled at the prospect of riding again… though as getting the reality of how fast it’s actually coming up, almost thrown off-kilter by the idea of routines getting completely switched up again. The whole “time-blindness” thing is a trip sometimes, lol. Maybe part of me is still stuck in Bali - the reality of seasons not fully sinking in, despite having been back in Canada nearing 8 years.
Though, one thing I’ve been feeling & observing more: ’surfing the waves as they come.’
A month or two ago, it was surfing the midlife crisis waves. And in surrender to them, they passed. Then since… well, there’s always different sets & swells of emotional waves. (Thank you, Human Design, for the framework & language to really start seeing & getting this. 🙏) And then there’s always some waves of hyperfocus on one thing or another.
Piano was been another. I’d prepped for the trip to Kelowna by practicing a bit, as they’ve got piano on the streets downtown there, and last was there a couple weeks ago, I ended up having a few pretty mindblowing improv flows a couple nights after enough wine brought down inhibitions. The flow returned this year; and upon getting back to Revy, it seemed apparent that it’s a skill worth reinvesting into - so while my 61-key Korg Prolog synthesizer did the trick prior, I figured it was time to get a proper 88-key hammer weighted keyboard… and dove straight back in. It’s crazy - played from ages 5 to 11, and only a rare bit with some super basic stuff while producing or very rare improv sessions until a couple years ago after inspired by discovering Sofiane Pamart… yet there seems to be some dormant genius reawakening, as the results of just messing around based on chord inversions consistently ends up blowing my mind… when the waves come.
Though like all waves, they ebb & flow.
As the intensity of the initial piano swell subsided, another unexpected one rolled in: a video game. Ha. I bought an Apple TV 4K box that came with a 3-month trial of Apple Arcade; sat on it for a while; and once activated it and downloading some games that looked like they’d be worth trying, spent the $30 for a proper Bluetooth controller so could play more. It’s been decades since I had any interest in video games at all, aside from the occasional iPhone game like Angry Birds or Cut The Rope. Though when I got to trying Grindstone… new hyperfocus wave in motion. Gotta surf it while it’s there.
It was an interesting experience - starting from scratch, figuring out strategy as progressing. It’s sort of a pattern-based game, having to make your way through levels as slashing ‘creeps & jerks’ on a sort of board, taking hits if ending your turn on the wrong spot, the levels getting progressively harder. As much as I felt kinda bad for steering my time from piano practice to this game, there was this sense like skills & neural networks were being built that’d somehow carry over - increasing the capacity for seeing patterns and navigating through them that’d be as equally valuable as improving my way through arpeggios & chord progressions as slashing through a field of monsterish creatures; stung by the whip or bite of an enemy & lose a heart in one, misstep into disharmony out-of-key in the other; increasing proficiency in seeing the possible routes & walking through them in either. And as with any other wave, they come to an end - or at least slow down, as the initial dopamine mine thins out its rewards.
And then… onto the next wave to surf.
But first, not without a rant…
I’m kinda over the whole ‘looking at Mercury retrograde as horrible’ thing.
Yeah, it makes for some funny memes. And yeah, they often come with the occasional tech glitches or minor inconveniences (that probably had me nearly punching the wall pre-Vyvanse, in my younger more impatient days). But for real… surf the waves as they come. It’s only when one is out of harmony with the ocean, trying to paddle out when conditions are bad, fighting the flow of the timing when things suck. You could still have a fantastic day on-shore doing something else, though.
Granted, people are weird. It seems to be a natural phenomenon that we form ideas around “the way things are,” judge them as good or bad, build entire worldviews around them, join with others in elevating them to cultish doctrine founded in & reinforcing distorted logic - and often rely upon it to validate an ongoing sense of victimization. And sure enough, these dynamics are ever-present in many “new-age” circles - and especially common amongst those who’ve only begun to graze the surface of astrology, not yet having done the deep dives into their shadow work and taking personal responsibility for attuning their lives to the harmonious order of the Cosmos rather than blaming abc on xyz. Personally, “it’s this planet in my 12th house;” in the realm of astrocartography, “it’s the bad Pluto, Saturn and Mars lines;” and the lowest common-denominator of all: ”it’s damn Mercury retrograde.” Cries of despair as it begins, cheers of relief once its over. And while the spotlight on this, articulated as this is here, may be a bit of an exaggeration for demonstrative purposes, it’s still definitely a thing - even if somewhat more subtle & nuanced than such a broad-stroked generalization.
It was maybe a year & half or two ago, a point really jumped out at me in a way that felt like a call-to-action: Mercury retrogrades are a great time for revisiting, revising, and refining projects already started. Though it is quite basic knowledge I’d probably heard dozens of times prior, it must’ve been a matter of timing - as it finally landed, and I decided to put that into practice, test it out, and integrate it into my life. So as the Mercury retrogrades cycled around, I dedicated what time I’d be spending at music not banging my head against the wall trying to start new projects, but going back to work on existing ones. And it flowed. Quite beautifully, even.
As the recent one started, focus was still on piano (though perhaps still fitting to the theme, revisiting the core basics as banging through an intermediate course included with the keyboard purchase - slow & boring as fuck much of the time, but feeling as though important to go back to reinforce the fundamentals & reactivate dormant neural networks to solidify a foundation that’ll make progressing to more difficult stuff easier.) Though when the wave for mixing came… hot daaaaamn. Surf’s mothafuckin’ UppppPpPppPp.
In the midst of the extremes of hermitude & borderline self-gaslighting myself to think I might be autistic given the social awkwardness I often experience, came a budding friendship with the owner of the board/bootfitting shop that changed my life back in March; just as questioning if I’ll always be an oddball outside masking my way to fit in as little as necessary no matter where I go, I paid Trevor a visit and was reminded: there are some great people I vibe with - and there’s just a fantastic rapport with some people that just flows. And while I was beginning to accept that while my music might be getting better & better over time (who’d have thunk years of consistency would show in results, ha) though be destined to remain in the shadows, Trevor’s like, “yo, I was just thinking we need someone to do music for all these video projects guys I know are doing, let’s get you hooked in/up.” Alright. So I told him I’d put together & get him a playlist of some of my best stuff suitable for that type of use… and masterfully procrastinated on it for 6 weeks. Ha.
But when the tides turned in their natural timing and the energy flowed to start it… wow. Like, some serious Pipeline, Uluwatu, Mavericks breaks at the peak perfection. Not only did the playlist come together over a couple days, but it was almost as if I was possessed with the energy coursing through me to rapid-fire remaster a bunch of tracks on it. And here we are, days later, with a passion-driven Devotion to getting everything on it up to par of the latest quality standard - which has surprisingly risen since last revisiting many of them just over a year ago.
It’s fascinating how much improvement can occur with time off, as well.
I’d taken nearly a year break from producing, though allowing such time to step back, reset the ears, and gain some different perspective… man. My last big hyperfocus tsunami came May 2023 when going back to re-mix & remaster like 180 projects as switching from a Slate Digital plugin subscription to new ones bought outright, and with some minor tweaks made in-process along with adding in engineering-legend Jaycen Joshua’s “The God Particle” on the mix/master bus, I was blown away then by the drastic improvement in quality. Well, last month I picked up UAD’s Ampex Mastering Tape and a brand new plugin from Soundtheory, Kraftur, that kind of a breakthrough tool for getting masters louder, fuller & thicker… going through another round of revisions with these two new additions and a few small refinements here & there… jeezus. Another level-up. Kinda big time.
But motherfuckerz be out there acting like their lives were put on pause with Mercury retrograde and they can only make advancements once it goes direct. Lol.
For real. Life is moving so damn fast these days, a bit of a slow-down embraced and worked with can be such a blessing with its own set of amazing opportunities. My mind moves so damn fast, thank God Mercury retrograde comes thrice a year and might interrupt the norm. For as much as I still have to decondition from the hustle-culture “go-go-go all the time” crap as still tempted to think/feel it’s somehow “better” to be in balls-to-the-walls, all-systems-go, full-send mode every damn day, thank Allah nature has its cycles… and I seem to be slowly but surely aligning more to them, harmonizing with the tides & swells of the seasons - including Mercury retrogrades and the stunning waves of unique conditions they bring that are both conducive and essential to the complete larger processes of life as we move through it and it unfolds through us.
(But hey, to each their own. Maybe some do experience Mercury retrogrades as hell - whether due to self-fulfilling prophecy from their own belief or cuz they were dealt a shitty hand of cards in life that gives them yet more hardship in combo - and I’m kind of a dick for implying anyone else may be playing the victim card when I really have no clue what their individual life is like. 🤷♂️☯️)
Of course, the riding the highs of the latest wave with music isn’t all awesomeness. Emotional waves - which always continue, no matter what other waves may be present & surfed at any given time - do what they do, ebbing & flowing.
Just as quick as the peaks of flow come with their deliverance of blissful ecstasy & tastes of delicious mastery in motion, they occasionally flip just as fast. A few hours of satisfaction can turn in an instant to frustration, just as rapidly as a set of perfect waves disappears and leaves one fighting against the currents, should they not be present & flexible enough to adapt in the moment and harmonize with the change. One minute, the heights of gratification with a mix sounding better than I thought/knew it ever could; the next, a few small changes send the whole vibe in a totally different direction and my brain starts distorting things with the tempo & pitch of things sounding weird, like the whole simulation just went glitchy - with no turning back to how good it was feeling those few irretracable steps ago. But hey, even the best surfers wipeout and get tummeled - so it goes, sometimes.
And as wonderful these waves of hyperfocus have been, there’s also moments of awareness that to some degree, the intensity of fixation is also (somewhat effectively) serving as a distraction.
As those other emotional waves come & go, some of them, it’s just easier to deny, repress, put off to the side, shove under the rug, etc. Unfortunately, strategies of avoidance don’t work indefinitely, and life will persist with its requirements of having us face what we might prefer not to. God damn. (But before expanding on where this is going, some preamble, of course… so hold that thought.)
Along with Trevor, there’s been glimmers of hope coming in the form of a budding friendship with my neighbor-above that’s been a dearly-appreciated breath of fresh air; connection with others on a similar frequency is truly one of life’s greatest gifts, and it’s been awesome surfing the waves of conversational flow with him - sharing much in common regarding music, life outlooks & levels of consciousness, ADHD, crypto, and whatever other topics the winds blow it into. As nerve-wracking the prospect of exiting my comfort zone was upon accepting his invitations for margaritas one evening, omg… the small get-together him him, his wife, daughter, and another neighbor turned out as the best fucking time I’ve had in YEARS. I dunno what kind of portal we opened up, but it felt like coming out of a hyperspace journey on the other side - having reopened (many of the ‘better’) sides of myself I wasn’t even sure existed anymore, observing social capabilities pulled out as sharing such a good time, it was almost surreal. Set to the soundtrack *of my own music, by request - wow. What a vibe. And t’was probably the first some someone’s really listened… and got it. One of those crazy “abstract” experiences, as per the Human Design circuitry, where it’s like the whole journey looking back finally comes together to make sense and culminate in a perfected experience - decades of investment, paying off and so beautifully shared with just the right group of people who can appreciate. And shite, those margaritas were stronger than anticipated, lol.
With/in that flow , though, also came some unexpected rediscovery and/or reactivation. There was no denying, his (25 year-old) daughter was cute… and as the inhibitions came down by the third drink, there was no denying she was cute. I’ve been in hermitude so fucking long, I’ve forgotten what it’s actually like to be hanging out in a great social situation and feel an underlying attraction to a woman growing as sharing in such good vibes. And I forgot what it’s like to make a woman laugh - without even trying or meaning to. For real. There was some moment I said something, and her laughter took part of me by surprise as I honestly felt that “funny” part of me died nearly 5 years ago with my marriage as haven’t seen or felt it since. Jeezus.
As frequently happens, my neurotic-ass mind spun out for a few days, trying to make sense whether I was delusional or the attraction was at all mutual, imagining what it might be like being in a relationship again - and with someone who not only has a great relationship with her father (which was apparent) but that I did as well; with whom such amazing times as a family might/could flow so organically. Ha. And as cracking open to the idea of ‘putting myself out there once again with women, so the universe plopped a couple more on my path to test how I might manage the feelings of desire for a woman/relationship I’ve repressed & distracted from for years now. (Spoiler alert: I probably failed both “tests.”)
One: while out for coffee one morning - (thank the conductivity of Virgo season to help recalibrate my sleeping/waking hours closer to “normal,” leading up into snowboard season, versus sleeping ‘til noon as usual 🙏) - and in the flow of listening to music and reading Gene Keys, a different cute blond (probably also in mid/late-twenties) showed up with her friend. Catching me by surprise, I soon discovered any attraction was definitely mutual - as I caught her not once, but twice, staring straight at me with a look that I’d have to be entirely out-to-lunch to not recognize as a clear, loud sign of interest. And she didn’t even flinch when she saw I saw her staring. Yes, apparently - according to a good female friend of mine - I’m a good-looking guy… and I’ve been in the hermit cave so long encountering a woman who truly sees it and was so captivated to let her gaze of intrigue be known was such an incredibly rare experience, it shook & cracked the shell of my Cancer-shell comfort-zone isolation-bubble like an earthquake.
Granted, I didn’t do shit but retreat back into it. Lol. 🤦♂️
Truthfully: I’ve been feeling like I probably need at least a thousand hours of therapy before I’ll ever be ready to be in any sort of relationship again. I thought I was at the point of acceptance of my separation about two years after… only to have something stirred up and been feeling stuck in a purgatory since. It’d be another 10,000 words at least to get into they why’s, the (distorted) logic and emotions that’ve tied me up in the self-defence position of remaining totally closed off to intimacy - but yeah, there’s probably some “control issues” there as keeping “safe distance” from any possibility. Part of which, has entailed an immense degree of self-denial, dishonesty, and repression.
For the next couple days, I threw myself back into that hyperfocus wave mixing & remastering songs for the promo playlist… with that woman persistently popping into mind, no matter how hard I tried stuffing down the accompany ‘inconvenient’ feelings. I dunno if it was her or how damn intrigued she was by/with me, but there was no opting out of my own intrigue. And it was fucking annoying. I didn’t want this distraction - I wanted to retain control over my own distractions from such emotions. I didn’t want to face the underlying anger & frustration inevitable as consequence of denying both hers & my intrigue & attraction - I just wanted to go back to the sanctity of my hermit cave and its illusory ‘safety’ & ‘security’ in isolation… no matter how untrue that is at another level, no matter how much another part of me actually fucking craves to feel alive again in the ways only a surrender to a passionate romance can deliver. The whole “you create your own suffering” thing… yup. 100%.
As part of the Human Design / Gene Keys course I’m taking, there was this side-thing where one of the ‘students’ shared her own work - that deals with emotions… it was highly potent. That is, if actually “doing the work” - which really comes down to the simple matter of fully, 100% being with one’s emotions. And it was eye-opening to really begin seeing how masterfully & habitually I have not. How damn convenient its been to shut them down, distract from truly feeling all the different emotional waves with Instagram, YouTube, overthinking, and/or throwing myself into hyperfocus at music, writing, or whatever. How conditioned we are in our societies and cultures to downplay the critical importance of our emotions as they come & go, and especially how programmed men have been to deny, suppress, repress, avoid, discredit, etc, etc. the fact that we even have emotions. But all those strategies only work… until they don’t. Until life forces us to confront what we’ve repeatedly stuffed down, whether it be through disease & outer chaos demanding our attention to how the discord of inner irresolution manifests outwardly or simply in the anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction growing to a point that can no longer be ignored.
Fucking fucknuts.
Though as always, the waves ebb & tide.
Having left this piece of writing for a week or two and circling back to, so have the seasons. Somewhere along the way, perhaps all those ‘annoying feelings’ got faced, giving way to the new. And in surrendering to what is, beautiful shifts occur.
With Virgo season, came a dearly-appreciated recalibration: sleep hours shifting back closer to “normal.” After decades of being a ‘night owl’ and previous short-lived attempts, it just sorta happened organically. While there was hope or intent to get into the habit of waking & sleeping earlier in preparation for snowboard season - wanting to make the most of my blessings and hit the powder days first thing - the body seemed onboard this time. Granted, falling asleep has not consistently been as easy - yet waking by 8 or 9am (with teasers as early as 6am) has been unexpected… and awesome.And with the stabilization, have come a whole different sense of energy management, routine, structure, and flow. Subtle. But significant. And within that, a feeling of really tuning more into the different waves of energy as they’re there to surf - or not.
Life’s felt good. Managing the waves of energy for mixing and seeing/hearing results, hella satisfying. The small yet simple habits of reducing screentime before bed and spending more time in the quiet evenings on balcony, nourishing to mind, body & soul. An increasing awareness of when not to push and the discernment to act accordingly, attuning more to cycles’ shifts from go-mode to rest and surrendering to those transitions quicker & more gracefully, truly bringing more Peace - when stepping back to see & feel it, in contrast to the “norm” of before.
And of course, there’s always the inevitable yin & yang, too - the contrasting & paradoxical waves, currents, swells, riptides, etc. occuring simultaneously at different levels, layers, dimensions, times. No quicker than finding some peace & stability in some regards, comes the Uranian unexpected to stir the neuroses in others as expanded into the theme of women & attraction, with a couple girls passing through whose energy completely sideswiped me - calling out an incredibly rare, strong Sacral response and igniting 3+ intense weeks of an inner mental-emotional rollercoaster. Oh God, has that ever been a journey. One I’d thought may demand its own entire blog post - and did get written after attempting to summarize the situation for someone; though upon rereading the 4500 words, embarrassingly double-questioning if it is a tale better not-fit for public consumption. Ha.
But nonetheless…
From the waves of confusion to clarity, anxieties to peace, restlessness to satisfaction, and whatever other dozens of swings come & go, there has been an increasing, grounded appreciation for it all - and where I’m at in this ride.
It seems the longer I’ve been here in Revy, this time round since March, the more content I am with how things are. That the more I learn to recognize all these different waves and surf them better, the more I’m able to feel fully into the richness of life and its blessings. That the more small details I become aware of and shifts I make to align harmoniously to flow with the organic order of things (versus overthinking and giving the mind too much authority), life just keeps getting better. Even if “better” doesn’t match the mind’s ideal of bigger, faster, more exciting - but actually ends up embodied in a slower pace, from which to savour simplicities overlooked while moving too quickly. Even if “excitement” has kinda gotten bumped down in its value/prioritization… and a whole different experience of far more grounded, stable & sustainable energy emerges instead. And/or, the “excitement” still coming & go as part of the larger emotional cycles - albeit in different forms than the larger-than-life version mind expects.
Until the next set of waves… 🌊🙏✨