After ten sessions, the psychotherapy course came to an end, and while I don't think there was anything profound to come from it for me - I quite enjoyed the conversations with the therapist that broached many topics, and gave me a chance to speak about things that most people are less open to discuss. I think that while many people think they are pretty open to all kinds of discussions, in my own experience, most are far more closed off than they believe, and their bodies and faces twist and squirm at the discomfort of even simple conversations - like death, meaning, and human value.
I think that part of the reason people are uncomfortable is because there is a social asymmetry when discussing topics, with an expectation that we should focus on the positives of a situation. But, this glossing over the negatives leaves a lot of the understanding, and therefore the value in lessons off the table, reducing what we can draw from it. It is wasting much of the resource that is experience, and throwing away meat and bones that could be used. Focusing on the positives is a privilege, and I think that it is in part because of this, that we forget the lessons of the past we could have learned to reduce our chances of repeating the same mistakes over and over.
We are creatures of habit.
And our habit is to be comfortable - or perhaps, it is to avoid discomfort. And because we have a brain that can imagine and build concepts, this extends to the non-physical discomfort too, the mental and emotional discomforts - which tend to express themselves as if they are physical manifestations. We prefer to feel good, so we will avoid what makes us feel discomfort now, even if doing it would lead us to feeling better later.
We favour relief, more than cure.
To finish the session, thew therapist said that what she has often seen with people is that after they have accepted that they can't get what they want, many end up getting it. She used an expression in Finnish which I can't recall fully, but it was about gripping the stick too tightly. And I get this, because I reckon that when we try too hard we end up focusing too much on what we think will get us to where we want to go, which means we aren't necessarily sensitive to the actual environment, or the changes in it. This means that we miss opportunity to the side, or we miss the opportunity to catch what we are doing wrong right in front of us.
But what is, try too hard?
Shouldn't we try to do what we think is right? Shouldn't we at least try to improve conditions for ourselves and others? Shouldn't we try - even if it is uncomfortable? Or is life meant to be so effortless, that we needn't try to do anything at all. And if that is the case, what is the value of having a life at all? And by this, I mean the human value, not the species value of simple continuance. Because if that is our only purpose in life, than evolution has made a mistake to evolve the kind of brain we have. Maybe it is a mistake - maybe it will be our downfall as a species to be able to imagine a better future.
But, as I see it, the "I tried" isn't good enough if one only tries what one is comfortable in trying, because that is rarely where the solutions are going to lay. We are comfortable with what we know and what we already are doing, so if we are having problems knowing and doing those things - we have to learn something else to try instead. But, that means dealing with discomfort by firstly exploring unknowns, and then applying them into practice. We don't like doing that - at least in areas we are *uncomfortable with.
For example as a parent, I want my daughter to have her best life, but what that could be is highly uncertain - especially in a dynamical and rapidly changing environment. A lot of people will avoid a lot of what is going on in the world today, because it is negative and they don't want to see it, let alone think about it. Yet, that also contains influencing factors that my daughter is going to face in her lifetime, where she is going to have to navigate a social circle that has been raised on screens, who are highly entitled, and who believe they can have what they want, when they want it. Me not facing these things now, learning what I can, and trying to understand so as to prepare her for her future, is just not good enough for her.
It is not about me.
My discomfort is an investment into her gain. It is putting money into a stock in the hope that the ROI is going to be that she has more opportunity and a better experience. Money isn't enough, if she doesn't also carry the understanding on how to spend her resources, and the wisdom to deal with the influencing factors in her life. A parent's job is to try and build a foundation for their children, and like it or not, it has to factor in that an individual does not live in a vacuum, and the landscape is filled with risks and dangers. It doesn't matter if the predator is a sabre-toothed tiger, an investment manager, or a man who believes he can take what he wants, a parent's goal is to mitigate the risks.
Perhaps it is all for nought.
Maybe all the effort will amount to nothing, like a soldier who has trained for every eventuality and developed their body into peak physical condition, only to catch a stray bullet on the beaches of Normandy. Maybe all the people who laugh at those who try and fail are right, and it is better not to put in the energy and try at all. Maybe those who just live for pleasure, even if it leads to increased suffering, are right. Perhaps life should be easy, and we should just avoid anything that causes personal discomfort - but then, if we look back into the past to discover the sources of the good parts of life today - where did they come from?
Was no one trying?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Comfort and complacency can rob someone of a purpose. I have seen a few people spend their life stripping out the things they don’t want to do only to find more things they don’t want to do. Down that road, they have found themselves alone with no purpose to drive a habit or a purpose to necessitate a schedule and pre rice discipline. They tell themselves that they have achieved happiness but it is so blatantly obvious they are the saddest, hopeless cynics half way down a slippery slope and picking up speed.
Not me. I have things I want to do and people to take care of. The things I do that are hard or uncomfortable stack up in value when they are done and there is a sense of accomplishment that comes with achieving.
I am less concerned about everyone else these days and more focused on my people and what I have to do, comfortable or not.
I have seen (and heard) the same from people. They are bitter, even while they are telling people about how great life is. It is similar to the people who in one breath talk about how they like being overweight - whilst they look jealously at people who are in better shape than themselves.
I think I have a similar outlook to you - there is value in some kind of service to others for me. I want to feel like I am adding something, not just taking up space.
Used to be, I was not afraid to discuss the negatives of anything, but reflecting on recent years realized I have really started avoiding negative topics. Just not sure it is because I just don't want the stress or the discomfort of that type of conversation. Even with my counselor, I am still not fully open.
Maybe it has something to do like willpower, where when we are depleted it is hard to resist temptation, or comfort. I assume that our head only has so much energy to expend, and it is always looking to save.
This post and the part about trying makes me think of one of my favorite quotes from the movie "The Rock" with Sean Connery and Nicholas Cage
I think it speaks a lot to that whole getting out of your comfort zone thing and actually doing the uncomfortable try versus the comfortable try.
Carla was the prom queen.
Greatness doesn't come from comfort. But I think, even without looking for greatness - not much comes from comfort.
Haha, such a good movie! I remember seeing it in the theater the first time. Bed sores, those might come from comfort. Seems like there is a good analogy there...
Bed sores! man... I wish I could just lay around for that long!
Trust me, you don't... My buddy just finished up his visits to the wound clinic after several months from bed sores.
My personal belief is that you should try to find balance in everything in life. Living just for pleasure and avoiding hard conversations, tough decisions and hard work on every occasion will lead to disaster or total lack of success.
At the same time trying to always battle your way through life is way too stressful, sometimes you have to pick your battles and don't fight every fight. Sometimes you should just walk away or leave a tough problem for another day and it could resolve itself sometimes.
No - you just have to be happy with a reducing amount of pleasure, and start to enjoy the pain! ;D
Ah - you have read my book!
Life has a good way of working out when you stop forcing things. Not all the time but sometimes I just let shit happen on its own
And for better or worse, shit does happen.
shit happens all the time
The more we age the more we look for comfort, peace and thus a comfort zone is formed in our life. I know it from myself :)
The thing that I am seeing though is that people in their mid-20s feel that they are old these days! :D
Gripping the stick too tightly, that’s so real. Sometimes, the harder you chase something, the more it slips away. Life’s weird like that lol