These days, I spend a lot of time home alone, even when my wife is working from home, as she doesn't have time to spend with me. I have spent a lot of my life alone and I am comfortable with it, but when I don't get out of the house often enough, it wears on my spirit - and I don't have a lot of it to spare at the moment. So today, I decided I would spend a few hours somewhere else to write, somewhere I thought might have some rarer beauty, and maybe even something inspiring - The city art gallery. However, despite me checking the opening times, when I got there, it was closed, as they are setting up for a new exhibition. I checked the opening times from the website again, and after a few additional clicks, there was an "exceptions" page. Poor design.
Instead, I came to a café on the way home.
It is beautiful in a different way.
It is in a converted factory area that now houses small businesses, and this is a standalone building. I haven't been here for a long time, but once my wife and I were here and I described what I would do to this if it were my house. It has a high, curved ceiling with plenty of room to build a floating second floor. Essentially, while leaving all of the original red brick walls completely intact, it would be possible to build bedrooms, bathrooms and other practical areas in a free-standing house within the building. The floor is probably 400m2, so if the "house" was 200m2 spread across 2 floors, there would still be 300m2 of open space. The challenge in doing it this way, would be there would be little natural light in the bedrooms. However the living space would be surrounded by large windows on all sides.
Of course, this was just in my head and never a real possibility, but imagining interior design used to be a skill of mine. I could walk into a space, deconstruct it to a blank canvas in my mind and then reconstruct and reiterate in seconds. It was possible for me to "see the finished product" months or years before it was possible to accomplish. When I walked through what would become our house at the start of 2020, it was old and falling apart, with an eclectic mix of design disaster after disaster in every room. But this isn't what I saw. I saw more.
It used to be so easy.
But it is gone. And with it, a large percentage of my creative side went with it. In some way, it is like a piano player losing their fingers. Yes, life goes on, but the effect of the loss is profound. Especially when it was playing those keys that brought a sense of peace and enjoyment. For me, my guided imagination was my artform and I could use it to shape the physical world. It wasn't just in the design of a room, but a design of my work, my relationships, my life. It was the ability to take the reality that I had available, and create the path forward and develop the steps needed to get there. It was the creation of a blueprint of the future.
I've lost my mind.
Not in the sense that I have gone insane, but in the sense that the mind that was mine, is no longer there and in its stead, is the mind of someone unfamiliar, someone who is missing the fingers to play the piano, the brush to paint a portrait, and the feet to dance into the night. The mind of someone who has a physical self, but is missing the mental self that animates the world. A dull mind.
Or the mind of someone dull.
I needn't write about this here, nor do I really want to. However, I have always used my own experiences and observations to develop my content, rather than repeat the words and ideas of others. And, I think that part of life is loss, and we are all going to lose many things along the journey. Some of them we will be glad to lose in hindsight, others we will come to terms with their loss, and too many, we will have taken away and be left with a void that might be unfillable. That is part of life experience also.
The effects I feel and face are likely not unique to me, but are likely quite rare. But my experience of them is unique, and perhaps through open self-observation and reflection, a word, a line or a paragraph of what I write will help someone else who is struggling with something in their life, something they feel they are experiencing alone, even if they are surrounded by people trying to help. Maybe writing about these things will only help me.
It's hard to imagine.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Have you seen the new trend in the US towards "Barndominiums" Basically a huge open space like a loft or this area that you were talking about here. They throw up walls and while it looks totally industrial on the outside, it can be as warm or modern as you want it on the inside. I'm assuming there are some cost savings involved and they are probably more practical in warm climates where insulation isn't as big of a deal. I think my fear with having free time when I get to that point is my wife and friends will still be working. What will I do then? I'd probably be more likely to hang out at a state park than a cafe, that's just my preference.
I haven't heard of the term, but I like the idea. Barns might not be great here, bit if able to find an unprotected (limits renovation) factory building, it is possible. There is a paper factory in the very center of the city that is shutting down, and I am pretty sure they will turn it into incredibly expensive apartments.
If it was summer, I might have been outside too. But it was -10 today and I don't think my fingers or butt could take it :)
Yeah, I totally understand that. I used to have a job where I would drive from house to house installing cable modems for people. In between each call I often had a lot of down time to just sit in my car or go to the park or read or whatever. I don't think I really appreciated that time back then like I should have.
One thing nice about Finland is that even in the cities, you are never far from green spaces. Well, white spaces in the winter. But it means that on a break, I could just sit on a bench and think a bit.
That's kind of how it is where I live.
Your ability to communicate your experience and thoughts are very encouraging for someone like me. Yes, losing an ability, or more than one ability, is something that can be hard to adjust to.
As sad, I am not unique, but perhaps I can still add some value with what I have available. As you definitely know, many have had harder life than me. But we are each trapped in our own experience.
Eventually we will lose all in our life even our life, so be happy for the moment we are alive :)
Happiness is fleeting. I'd "be happy" with content most of the time.
In my opinion, you've always been dull. The only difference I see from my self flagellation brought about by reading your posts most days is that you're now miserable and dull, and that's concerning.
Look at what you have. Not what you haven't. Shag the wife, hug your kid and if that doesn't instantly make you jump for joy, see a doctor. Writing may allegedly be cathartic and a way to free the soul but meds and therapy, in reality, will more likely bring about faster and more tangible results.
You've been through a lot, theres no dishonour in seeking professional guidance to help you navigate your way through.
Hope you all have a great weekend and I look forward to the return of dull Taraz so I don't have to bother commenting on any of your usual waffling ;-)
If only it was so easy. But I won't get into that right now. :)
How many professionals do I need to see and meds do I need to take before I get the tangible results? The problem I think with this particular issue is that it is a physical condition of my brain, not a chemical one. The chemicals don't have an affect, like aspirin won't grow back a lost limb.
Still lots to waffle about on the side. :)
Still many links, both understood and not so understood between physical and mental health though.
I think we all have an innate ability to often overcomplicate things. Sometimes those things maybe really 'that' simple.
Do whatever you need to do to be well, or at least accept you're not well and one final point; You mentioned you'd lost your ability of imaginative visually redesigning your surroundings but yet, your incredible ability to stream your consciousness clearly onto paper is obviously undiminished.
Sorry to hear about the loss of creative vision ability. Are you sure that it is really gone after your stroke? Even if it is gone, there might be a possibility that brain will rewire itself...
Too late for rewiring, as tht can happen in the first 6 months or so, but not much after.
It isn't completely gone, but there is no spontaneous thoughts, it is all active and aware. Thinking is like constantly solving a math problem, whole simultaneously doing other things that require concentration.
Losing your ability to imagine and create in this way is like losing a sense, and I can feel the weight that it causes.
But I want to remind you that creativity is not just a momentary ability and it is something that is rooted within you even if it seems distant now it may just need a new way out.
When the roots die, so does the tree.
I can understand it a little bit, as I was not really taking care of myself, and put some extra kilo (getting my insuline all messed up and having quite a bit of brain fog), but now as I lost a big bunch of it, and with my blood tests going back to normal, some of my skills (pattern recognition, building in my inner mind space and such) are slowly coming back, and it is quite awesome.
It looks like a nice cafe. It's not very crowded inside, I think people are working. If the view outside is nice, you can spend a long time there.
I like being able to be alone, but I don't like being in the same place all the time. I think you have similar thoughts.