Return to Moria Review – or “How I Got Trapped in a Cave and Lost My Mind”
I don’t even know where to start with this game. I had a VISION of what this was gonna be. Me? A mighty dwarf. The Mines of Moria? Mine to reclaim. Goblins? DEAD. Treasure? HOARDED. My beard? Glorious.
So I loaded in, smacked a few rocks, made a lil house, all was good. Then I went into a dark tunnel and immediately got jumped by like 6 orcs and realized: oh. Oh, this game wants me to suffer.
AND SUFFER I DID.
I swear on Thorin’s grave, I spent 30 real-life minutes lost in the darkness because I ran outta torches. Just me. Wandering. In the abyss. Like some kinda low-budget Balrog bait. I don’t even know HOW it happened. Tbh it was probably cause I didn't tweak my darkness settings and went with the default. My bad. But it's crazy. One second I was in my nice lil dwarf fort, next thing I know I’m sprinting through blackness, screaming “WHY IS IT SO DARK” into the void. My only light? The fire of my own burning regret.
And THEN… the goblins came.
The Combat? Uh… It Exists.
Lemme tell you about this very scientific battle system.
Step 1: Click.
Step 2: Hope.
Step 3: Repeat until either you or the goblin dies.
Sometimes, the combat is fine. Other times, I swear my axe was phasing through enemies like I was fighting ghosts. And then sometimes the goblins would just… stand there? Like they forgot they had jobs?? Bro. Why is this AI acting like it called out sick today? The targeting system isn't much better. I was kinda jumping around from one enemy to the next and idk why I all of a sudden got locked on a different enemy.
I FELL INTO A PIT, AND THE ORCS JUST WATCHED ME STRUGGLE.
Kinda rude ngl.
The Bugs. Oh Lawd, the Bugs.
Bro.
I crafted a door. It disappeared.
I crafted another door. It ALSO disappeared.
I crafted a THIRD door. ALL THREE DOORS APPEARED AT ONCE AND TRAPPED ME INSIDE LIKE I WAS IN DWARVEN JAIL.
Also, one time I mined a rock, and the entire floor beneath me vanished and I fell into the void.
I was standing in Moria.
Then I was NOT standing in Moria.
Game just said “nah.”
Would I Recommend It?
Look. If you love Lord of the Rings, dwarves, and pure, unfiltered nonsense, then yeah. You’ll probably still have fun. But if you’re expecting some polished survival crafting masterpiece, bro just play Valheim instead and call it a day.
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