Her Marital Pain || Su dolor marital

He walked over my shoulder as I tore yet another page from my progressively thinning notebook. He brushed my curls away from my face and planted a sweet kiss on my cheek.

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"No words coming out?" He asked playfully. "No good ones actually" I replied with a clear disappointment written on my face. I've always wondered what I said or did for him to believe in me this much. He always feels I'm so talented, and I shouldn't let such talent go to waste. Knowing he is so supportive of my writing career gives me lots of joy.

A break might do me some good, I thought for myself as I put my ink aside, diverting all my attention to him. While looking at him, I noticed the curves on his face and I traced them in my mind as if I wanted to keep a mental picture of him. He stared back quizzically like he was trying to crack open my skull and see what I was thinking about.

What's the problem babe, he asked, trying to decipher what I was thinking. His caring eyes looked at me as if he could fix all my problems just by looking at me. Sometimes I think he could. Sometimes I think he could be the antidote to all my poison if he could just continue to look at me the way he does. If only my thoughts could become reality, I thought to myself.

But then, he gets furious when I don't answer his questions nor say much which I know that if I continue this way, it will definitely turn into confusion, frustration, anger and finally violence. I really don't know how someone that looks so sweet and harmless could turn like a light switch and let darkness engulf him all of a sudden.
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Whenever he is about to lay his hands on me, in that split moment, I do see him debating whether to cause me pain or not. Sometimes he chooses to hurt himself instead. He goes to punch a dry wall and scream his lungs out into nothingness. Other times his demons take over, and he beats me senseless. Like almost all abusers, he comes crawling back the following day, crying and asking for forgiveness, promising again, and again he wouldn't lay a finger on me.

Pulling me out of my own voices with a jolt, he screamed with vexation, asking what the hell I was thinking about. I could hear the underlying question. He actually wanted to ask "WHO the hell are you thinking about" His pride just got the better of him. I knew if I don't calm him down soon, it won't go all too well for me. So I quickly slide over to his side and put my hand in his.

I looked up to meet his gaze but failed to keep looking into his eyes so instead, I chose to look at our intertwined fingers. I took a deep breath and continued with my stupid lie. "I have no idea how to go about it, you know…" I looked up again hoping it would be enough, but he had already lost interest. He got up and left me with just a grunt.

Somehow that made me feel nothing but relief. If I had told him what I was actually thinking about, I wouldn't even dare to imagine what could come next. Rather than immerse myself in that dark hole, I summoned up the courage to pick up my ink and write. I turned to a new page on my worn out notebook and started forming words. Letters became words, words became phrases, sentences. Before I knew it, I was already writing a full page.

Anger, hatred and even love started spilling out of me, and I was turning them into words. My emotions got the better of me. I couldn't even control my tears at that point. My notebook were tearing because I was pressing too hard into my pages. I was going to get it all out today, and I was going to leave.

I don't know for how long he's been watching me. I just felt his presence when he called my name. The minute I heard his ice-cold voice I didn't dare turn. I put my ink down and stared right ahead waiting for my version of hell.

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Se acercó a mi hombro mientras yo arrancaba una página más de mi cuaderno, cada vez más delgado. Me apartó los rizos de la cara y me plantó un dulce beso en la mejilla.

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"¿No salen palabras?" Preguntó juguetonamente. "Ninguna buena en realidad" respondí con una clara decepción escrita en mi cara. Siempre me he preguntado qué he dicho o hecho para que crea tanto en mí. Siempre ha pensado que tengo mucho talento y que no debería desperdiciarlo. Saber que me apoya tanto en mi carrera de escritora me da mucha alegría.

Un descanso me vendría bien, pensé para mí mientras dejaba mi tinta a un lado, desviando toda mi atención hacia él. Mientras le miraba, me fijé en las curvas de su cara y las tracé en mi mente como si quisiera conservar una imagen mental de él. Él me devolvió la mirada de forma incrédula, como si intentara abrirme el cráneo y ver en qué estaba pensando.

¿Cuál es el problema, nena? preguntó, tratando de descifrar lo que estaba pensando. Sus ojos bondadosos me miraban como si pudiera arreglar todos mis problemas con sólo mirarme. A veces creo que podría. A veces pienso que podría ser el antídoto de todo mi veneno si pudiera seguir mirándome como lo hace. Si mis pensamientos se convirtieran en realidad, pensé para mis adentros.

Pero luego, se pone furioso cuando no respondo a sus preguntas ni digo mucho, lo cual sé que si sigo así, definitivamente se convertirá en confusión, frustración, ira y finalmente violencia. Realmente no sé cómo alguien que parece tan dulce e inofensivo puede cambiar como un interruptor de luz y dejar que la oscuridad lo envuelva de repente.
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Siempre que está a punto de ponerme las manos encima, en esa fracción de segundo, le veo debatir si me va a causar dolor o no. A veces opta por hacerse daño a sí mismo. Va a golpear una pared seca y a gritar hasta la saciedad. Otras veces sus demonios se apoderan de mí y me golpea hasta dejarme sin sentido. Como casi todos los maltratadores, vuelve arrastrándose al día siguiente, llorando y pidiendo perdón, prometiendo una y otra vez que no me pondría un dedo encima.

Sacándome de mis propias voces con una sacudida, gritó con vejación, preguntando en qué demonios estaba pensando. Pude escuchar la pregunta subyacente. En realidad quería preguntar "¿En qué demonios estás pensando?" Su orgullo le superó. Sabía que si no lo calmaba pronto, no me iría muy bien. Así que me deslizo rápidamente a su lado y pongo mi mano en la suya.

Levanté la vista para encontrarme con su mirada, pero no pude seguir mirándole a los ojos, así que en su lugar, opté por mirar nuestros dedos entrelazados. Respiré profundamente y continué con mi estúpida mentira. "No tengo ni idea de cómo hacerlo, ya sabes..." Volví a levantar la vista esperando que fuera suficiente, pero él ya había perdido el interés. Se levantó y me dejó con sólo un gruñido.

De alguna manera, eso me hizo sentir nada más que alivio. Si le hubiera dicho lo que realmente estaba pensando, no me atrevería ni a imaginar lo que podría venir después. En lugar de sumergirme en aquel oscuro agujero, me armé de valor para coger mi tinta y escribir. Pasé a una nueva página de mi desgastado cuaderno y empecé a formar palabras. Las letras se convirtieron en palabras, las palabras en frases, en oraciones. Antes de darme cuenta, ya estaba escribiendo una página completa.

La ira, el odio e incluso el amor empezaron a brotar de mí, y yo los convertía en palabras. Mis emociones se apoderaron de mí. Ni siquiera podía controlar mis lágrimas en ese momento. Mi cuaderno se rasgaba porque estaba presionando demasiado en mis páginas. Hoy iba a sacarlo todo y me iba a ir.

No sé durante cuánto tiempo me ha estado observando. Sólo sentí su presencia cuando me llamó por mi nombre. En cuanto oí su voz helada no me atreví a girarme. Bajé la tinta y me quedé mirando al frente esperando mi versión del infierno.

Gracias por visitar mi blog.

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This is a link to that server:I'm telling you, @davidbright, there is a book coming forth from you lol!!! I agree with @beeber! She must be pretty good at hiding that journal, if he finds it it would probably set him off. Unfortunately, this is all too common now a days, it's cool you're writing about it and drawing attention to it. I personally know a couple of ladies that just bailed out of that exact situation, and even some guys have wound up in that same situation as well: this subject is not confined to women. We have an account here on Hive that deals with the very subject called @empowernetwork, it's also in the Discord server under that same name;

if you ever run into someone who is in an abusive or Domestically violent situation, please do not hesitate to let us know and also to pass that server link along. It is run by a young lady who is a domestic violence survivor named @prissy.