The Well Inside
Get all the ugliness out of me,
The insecurity,
The jealousy.
I drink, it’s all dusty.
Death from the well inside of me.
Breakthrough
As I'm training to become a life coach thanks to the Personal Development School IAT Certification program, one of the things we're learning early on is how to identify core wounds. Be it a core wound within us as the student, or identifying core wounds within others. The goal is to eventually be able to pick this up by listening to how others speak and how they behave. And once we know someone's core wounds, we can help them work toward healing.
In my self-discovery process, I'm learning I have multiple core wounds. But, the one that this poem touches on is my core wound that I will be abandoned.
Growing up, I had parents whom I could sometimes rely on for emotional care, connection, and consistency. Then sometimes they were unavailable. As a kid, I internalized this inconsistency as that I would be abandoned, especially if I perceived that I did something wrong.
Now, as an adult, if I experience an intimate connection with someone I'm attracted to and they have an intimate connection with someone else, my abandonment wound is triggered. I become jealous.
I learned recently that jealousy (not to be confused with envy) is a trauma response. Since my mind has a need for care and connection, when someone provides me with this, and then that care and connection are taken away by another person, my mind -- in essence, me -- panics.
The way to resolve this is to go inward and learn how to provide myself with care and connection. Once I master "filling my own cup" I will be less desperate to get these needs met through others, and eventually, be able to have a healthy sense of interdependence.
For anyone else struggling with trauma wounds from the past, there's hope. Identifying core wounds is an excellent first step and being gentle with and of yourself during the process is golden. Because no matter what we're going through -- jealousy and all -- we're still deserving of acceptance.
Xo,
Elan