Source: Image by @katharsisdrill
Mort, the Shit Manager is a spin-off fictional series of short stories based loosely on the thoughts of David Mortenson, the tyrannical Kwiksave store manager who features in my auto-biographical series 'The Horrors of Kwiksave'.
Mort the Shit Manager Complete Chronology
- Mort as a Stock Lad -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Flat Arse' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mort's Interview' - (March 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Armchair Club' - (May 1974)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fresh Cream' - (November 1978)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Demise of Reginald Bulge' - (January 1979)
- Mort as a Manager -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oxidation' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Fart Councilling' - (July 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Interview' - (October 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Mandy's Curves' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bribe' - (November 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Agnus' - (December 1979)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Bloody Nose' - (July 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Brent's 'Druff' - (September 1980)
- Mort as a Manager with @slobberchops -
Mort the Shit Manager: 'Oppression Supreme' - (December 1980)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Heat Machine' - (March 1981)
Mort the Shit Manager: 'The Day Off' - (April 1981)
“Brent, Brennnnntttt, BRENNNNTTTTTT… where the fuck are you?”
Mort was anxious, agitated, and at breaking point. An impromptu telephone call from Elton Welsby, the highly volatile Area Manager had seriously unhinged him.
"David, this week there will be an extra load arriving on Wednesday. This is as well as the usual Tuesday and Friday deliveries. I want those goods on the shelves immediately, and I am warning you.., failure to deliver will mean a personal visit and probable demotion.”
Before Mort had a chance to answer, Elton continued in his customary brusque tone.
“You do know of Mr. Bulge's younger brother I assume? He’s ambitious, ruthless, driven, and blames you for the death of his brother, the other Mr. Bulge. He also wants your store and I am prepared to give it to him if you can’t deliver”
Mort had heard some gossip about Ronald Bulge, who from all accounts looked exactly like Reginald Bulge. A feeling of dread drifted across him followed by a disturbing memory; one of terrible pungent, repugnant odours, a huge oversized arse directed at his face, followed by a torrent of loud farts, and finally that abhorrent, gleeful guffaw from his former manager.
Having suffered years of abuse from Bulge, Mort was hearing stories on the Kwiksave grapevine about the emergence of this new ‘Junior Bulge' and now the threat to his store.
Source
...'Rumour was that Ronald Bulge looked exactly like the late Reginald Bulge, but were his deviances identical?'...
Where was that useless, long-haired, lazy, dim-witted Stock Lad anyway? If he had to lock him in the store to finish the pallets, he was prepared to do so.
Brent was close, too close, could hear Mort's ranting, heavy breathing, and kept very quiet in the nearby walk-in fridge. Taking the final silent bite from a stolen Walls Cornish Pasty he folded the wrapper carefully, pocketed it with the intention of disposal later, and hoped Mort could not hear munching, crunching sounds.
...'the humble Walls Cornish Pasty; necessary sustenance and often eaten illegally by starving underpaid Kwiksave Stock Lads'...
It was time to move, he couldn’t hide forever and besides, his appetite was now sated. Grabbing a box of Lurpack he opened the fridge door feigning surprise as Mort turned to face him.
“Where have you been, no doubt eating Kwiksave goods again?”
The accusation came hard and fast taking the dim-witted Brent by surprise.
“Errr… I..I am filling up the butter Mr. Mortenson”, came the weak delayed riposte.
Mort’s eyes squinted as he rounded on Brent looking intently at him and moved closer. Brent stared back somewhat dazed by this unexpected outburst.
“Why are there crumbs on your face? You have been eating the goods again, MY GOODS…, MY OFFICE NOW!”
Mort stormed from the back shop slamming the large sliding door with a loud bang.
After several minutes, Brent slovenly approached the one-way glass office, installed in all Kwiksave supermarkets while Mort watched every step.
He wasn't entirely certain Brent had been eating pastries but needed to vent on someone and this dimwit was a suitable candidate.
Knock knock…
The door flew open after the customary 30-second wait with a fired-up Mort at the ready.
"DO YOU SEE THESE..., WRITTEN WARNING LETTERS FOR IMBECILES WHO LIKE TO EAT KWIKSAVE GOODS", he yelled, gnashing his teeth while waving around a sheaf of papers.. Some customers awaiting the checkouts looked up in interest, drawn to the unexpected drama.
"Mr. M..M..Mortenson sir, those were not crumbs on my cheeks, it was m-my ‘druff”
Mort stared at Brent puzzled.
Without warning, Brent pushed his head toward Mort and shook it vigorously aided by both of his hands. Huge flakes of dandruff erupted from his scalp landing on both of them, causing Mort to step back hastily in alarm.
“See… ‘druff!”, he proclaimed; a stupid gormless grin was starting to appear on his face widening by the second.
A few stray flakes had settled on his nose and cheeks that could have been mistaken for Pasty crumbs.
“Ugh…, that’s fucking foul”, said Mort in disgust raising many more eyebrows from the nearby waiting customers, some of which had drawn closer to the office in an attempt to hear every word.
Source
"Should I get back to the pallets Mr. Mortenson?”, said Brent now grinning and revelling in the misguided attention of his new audience.
Wordlessly, Mort slammed the office door closed still brushing off many huge chunks of dandruff from his bright red 'Managers' overall.
That brainless attention seeking twat was heading for the sack, one more step out of line and he would personally boot his arse out of the front door.
Mort, the Shit Manager is a Serial Shitposting Fiction Story inspired by Torundel the Shitposter by @katharsisdrill, Ren du Lot, the Shit Lawyer by @vcelier and Nordlute, the Shit Sysadmin by @steevc.
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If you found this article so invigorating that you are now a positively googly-eyed, drooling lunatic with dripping saliva or even if you liked it just a bit, then please upvote, comment, rehive, engage me or all of these things.
Dear @slobberchops friend... I don't want to sound repetitive and much less flattering... So I'll just say that you are a damn genius... thank you very much for this hilarious post, it has helped me to send my typical "monday depression" to hell ... Brent and his "rain of dandruff!" 😂😂😂... I've laughed a lot!... I'm sure it's the most nasty funny thing I'll read this week!...😂😂😂
Thanks again!
!VSC
!BBH
!PIZZA
I was concerned this post was not going to get even a single comment, so I welcome yours as a genuine fan with open arms..., thank you, and it's great to hear someone finds it amusing.
I put these past my wife in draft mode and rarely get a compliment!
As I side-note there's always a little truth in these. I remember on at least one occasion downing a stolen Pasty in that walk-in fridge. It Mort had walked in on me, I would have been out of the door... fast!
😂😂😂👍👍👍
Wives are never a good judge!... Mine says that one of these days someone will shoot me for spending my time taking "those weird photos" while harassing people on the streets!...
I guess that there were some relatively true things in your lines... There is always a "base" to write like this... I'm glad it was stolen pasty and not the 'druff!!!...
😂
Regards an thanks a lot again!!!...
She's a tough critic I tell you, and wants to read the complete story at once even though its unfinished. She can't watch series on Netflix for the same reason unless its a binge session!
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@jlinaresp ha enviado VSC a @slobberchops
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@slobberchops! Your Content Is Awesome so I just sent 1 $BBH (Bitcoin Backed Hive) to your account on behalf of @jlinaresp. (3/5)
Druff lol.
I did work with someone who used to scratch his head over the desk and then sweep up the druff crumbs.. People can be so foul!
I haven't yet decided about Brent's destiny, only that he must be sacked before the end of November heh.., as that's when I started! His demise is probably the root of the next Mort chapter.
It's like the circle of life! :0D
Oh man I am sure many of us can put themselves in this story with memories of retail jobs and bad managers. This one takes it to the next level.
Why the hell haven’t I seen other entries in this salivary saga?!?
There's a nice chronology I put together on these at the top of this post, they were getting very muddled and there is an over-arching story to it... somewhere!
In time I could write up some character descriptions.. such as Brent. In the real world and going off the times I presented, I would likely have replaced him.
I was going to ask if this was a real experience, but I see you already confirmed you scoffed the merch. There could be a whole gameshow in 'Food or Bodily Waste?'.
What I did was extremely dangerous and likely in the Mort days. Later, Welder and myself befriended the Walls delivery dude who gave us a Pasty each whenever he delivered. Probably saved my 'career' 😀
Not such a big dimwit with the dandruff play now is he 😅😅
!PIZZA
!LUV
I'm not sure what to do with Brent, is he a dumbass or more clever than he looks? Time will tell!
Laughs, keen to see what you will be spitting out in time😂
It reminds me alot about "trailer park boys"
@slobberchops, @technicalside(1/3) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community |
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Wonderful work buddy