This is me — Hive

I‘m fighting.
I'm fighting everyday.
Fighting the demons, inside my head,
In the world, in my house, amongst the people I know,
Fighting myself and my urges to do
Things I might not even get to regret.
I'm struggling, not for life but to live.
I'm busy. I'm busy always. Not busy doing something but
To prevent myself from doing something.
I'm happy. I'm smiling. I'm laughing.
Even if it's not real but I'm.
I'm crying. I'm yelling. I'm gasping for breath.
Not out Ioud. But in silence.
I'm trying to find one good thing to hold onto and
I'm successful at it. But only on some days.
I'm wishing to be left alone.
I'm wishing to be surrounded with people.
But I feel surrounded even when alone.
And I feel alone even with people.
I'm happy but I'm misty eyed.
I'm crying but i smile.
I write, I sing, I dance, I say.
Things to present and future self.
Even if sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't.
I‘m begging. I'm pleading. For chocolates, for materialistic things.
Even for peace and healing.
I'm numb and mum.
Even if I don't look like it.
I speak a lot. I laugh a lot. I get excited for things a lot.
Even if I don't feel like doing so.
This is what makes me, me.
This is what I am.
This is what I feel.
This is why I don't want to live.
This is how I live.

All the images i've used in my Poems so far have been taken from Source