Wow. I didn't expect a welcome back quite as explosive in upvotes as my previous post. Don't do that again for a while, I feel naked on the trending feed.
As I said at the end of that unnaturally long blog t'other day, this part 2 update is not so much about updating my life, but updating my mindset of what I feel should come next for me. But in order to do that, it needs a bit of context, a reminder of where I live; China.
Anyone who remembers me will know my complaints about the country I live in. Naturally, a reader might say 'well if you don't like it, go back to your own country'. But, like many who complain and stay in any country, it's rarely that simple.
My life in Shanghai is not representative of life in China. Shanghai is barely China at all. In fact, I believe its run by the faction of the government which is the underlying opponent of the current leader - The Jiang Zemin (previous leader) faction which is and always has been a pain in the neck threat for the current leader, Xi Jinping. (pronounced SHEE Jin Ping).
Anyway, Shanghai is the poster child of China. Whenever you see China, you see the glistening skylines of the Bund along the Huangpu river. You see stock markets and success stories and amazing feats and they almost always come from Shanghai, a mega city 4 times the size of London (Both area and population).
My problems with China, for the most part, do not reside in Shanghai. They reside everywhere outside of the Eastern belt. You see, the wealth gap in China is absurdly huge. When Americans and Britons complain about wealth gap, they're thinking fractions of what goes on here. The 'middle class' here are those who were born into a life of buying Gucci and filling their walk-in closets with immeasurably expensive handbags in their glistening, huge apartments, with several more they rent out.
The upper class are those who drive around the traffic-riddled roads at a slug's pace in Bugattis and Ferraris, buying businesses on a whim and putting all the profits into stocks. going home to their 3-story gold-plated apartments and making tiktok videos about buying four iPhones for their dog.
The lower class live in their own shit and eat from the trash with used chopsticks.
That's a wealth divide you can set your watch to. Well, it would be if they would ever let you see that poverty (which has officially been eradicated).
So, while I live with freedom as a foreigner in a wealthy, hyper-modern city, It perpetually haunts me that out there, hidden from view, is an impoverished population, in which every aspect of their lives is controlled and monitored by the state. To live here, you need a certain ability to turn a blind eye.
I could do this because, regardless of where I live in the world, that is still going to go on. There's nothing I can do other than spread awareness to 4-5 people. But there are constantly subtle drips of this authoritarian, corrupt rule in the corner of my eye even here in Shanghai.
From the brutal lockdowns in early 2020, to the entire city being coated head to toe in Chinese propaganda so there is no straight line you can see without a flag or a slogan or a tank/soldier infecting your eyeballs.
Then there are students. When interviewing one who was coming from a public school to my private school, I asked about whether she would stay in the US after she graduated from Uni there, or come home. She said home. Why? 'Because I want to serve my motherland, I love my country'. That's not a normal sentence you expect to hear from a 15 year old girl.
Not only that, but she was clearly reciting it. I saw her eyes recall the exact wording, with sudden glee that she found an opportunity to use this learned phrase. The schools here are indoctrinating the students I teach.
I frequently have to hold my tongue when students say passing remarks about how great Marx or Mao Zedong is. You know, the guy who killed up to 50 million people, literally hated China and Chinese culture, and yet is still the face on the money. I cannot say anything. I cannot correct them, I cannot disagree. I have to shut my trap.
Government officials come to the school on short notice for inspections. When this happens, the school has to get half the working staff to rush to the library and literally purge any books that have certain Western content in them; maps that don't include the 9-dash line where China claims to own the entire sea beneath it, or say Taiwan is a country, or give a little bit too much disputed land to India. Novels like 1984 or Animal Farm or any anti-communist dialogue. Certain people who have been banned for whatever reason, if mentioned in a book, have to go.
I'm thankful I only teach a fairly uncontroversial topic of Music, but every time I hear about this kind of thing, it haunts me. It really disturbs me, and it's all around me. I can't even look out of my room's window without seeing the big fat Chinese flag waving back at me.
I guess my point is, it's not easy being perpetually force fed a life of politics. every aspect of life here is political. Not in the same way as the USA. There, people are arguing with each other by choice, getting annoyed at things online by choice. Here, it's state-run mandate. And it's exhausting.
Just the other day, I was checking Google maps (& chinese equivalent) and showing all the previous places I lives in various countries to my girlfriend. When we turned to her home, what was the first thing I saw staring back at me?
Can you see it? Hell, can you miss it? It's visible from SPACE!
You see, if I go back to England, I can be political, sure. Better yet, can hold the leaders accountable, and I can say whatever I want about them, publicly or otherwise. But most importantly, I can also take a step away from the internet and go fishing, or have a barbeque, or learn to paint, without staring at the sign on the edge of the lake reminding me to be loyal to the leaders of the land, or have a neighbour tell me I need a permit for the barbeque and 17 cameras staring at me from all angles, or be in a classroom full of communist propaganda paintings and Mao Zedong's big fat face in the centre.
This is what I desire increasingly as the weeks and months go by; Freedom from a constant attempt to brainwash and control me and the people around me.
I want to be able to interact with people who have been born and raised with free minds, and empathy for those outside of their immediate family struggling to get through each day. I want laws against animal cruelty so my cats can roam around without the fear of their heads randomly being stomped on, or poisoned by unannounced death traps implemented by the incompetent local government, and I want to breath clean, fresh air without staring at 400 trillion tonnes of concrete and glass 200 stories high.
To me, London is a quaint little town.
So, again... why don't I just Leave?
The Emptiness of England
Eventually, I will. It's just not so easy. You see, when I left England, I did not so much leave everything behind as I did take whatever little things I had with me in a single suitcase. My family moved away, I had no home, friends were spread out and I had no career prospects (hell, I got a degree in MUSIC).
As the years went by, everything moved on without me. Friends got married, kids, houses, moved further afield and the close-knit group I once had meet each other about as often as they meet me (once every few years). Family has always been a spilt packet of skittles planted in practically every corner of england, barely talking to each other at all.
As for career prospects; Sure, I have a ton of experience and qualifications in education, but none of it is relevant or usable in England. Even if it was, I think I would rather die than find myself teaching in England unless I did my own private tutoring.
With that angle, where do I go? London? What a nightmare. half my salary on tube rides and the other half on rent. Outside of London, most cities are so quaint, and anywhere else so rural, it would be practically impossible to sustain yourself as a private tutor in anything. One would have to mix and match oddjobs galore.
Anything else, I'd need to set a new path from scratch, getting new skills and qualifications as, I dunno, a mechanic? And this is all with the consideration that I have no actual home or house. I am functionally homeless over there. Obviously I could afford to rent a place but... which city, which country?? Scotland??
So although I feel a constant disdain for where I currently am, leaving would require me to drop everything I have - a well-paid, easy job doing something I love - and replace it with nothing at all, build from rock bottom. That's a scary notion no matter how positive a spin you put on it.
YOLO
But, hey, nothing ever gets done by constantly balancing the same scales over and over. Now I have a partner in crime to take any journey I embark on, it seems a little less daunting. The first step, I suppose, is to get this blasted pandemic over with so I can actually move around with my blasted cats.
NEXT TIME
A display of my pathetic little attempt of a garden of crops!
I got a scholarship for my PhD in China a few years back, I opted out of it at the last minute principally because I read a bit about life over there and decided to rather die here being free. China would be the last place I would want to stay. Merely seeing the way they treat their Nigerian employees in their companies here is more than enough lesson.
The journey of life becomes easier and more interesting once you've got someone to tag along with. I hope you new gf is opened to taking the journey with you. I can only wish you the best.
I'd be curious to hear more about that experience. I've compiled a lot of general info about Chinese government and the behaviour of the people etc. It can be abhorrent sometimes. I hear a lot about those in Africa, such as how they bring an army in for the Belt and Road development... but bring their own Chinese workers, giving literally no jobs to the local communities. That leads to debt trap diplomacy yadda yadda...
Unpleasant...
You made an amazing choice by declining. This country is getting further and further apart from the rest of the world, approaching North Korea levels so... probably wise to stay away!
I think we need more you in England cha cha cha! :D