'Look, it's not that I think you are an ugly mofo per se,' I assert. 'It's just that...'
'But you said it.' The slugs words almost drip slime in the air, they are so liquid, like it is talking underwater. I am already ashamed for what I said out aloud, so I slowed down my hearing so I could at least make a show of being considerate before I stomped on the asshole. There's no real need to call a bug a mofo before you squish it. That's just a double insult.
'Yes, but you did just wipe out the brassicas overnight. Forgive me, but I'd be calling the most Anne Hathaway of you a ugly mofo. I'm just not feeling your vibe right now.'
'Vibe? Girl, we're just surviving here. We don't have supermarkets. We have whatever is in this few square feet of garden. What would you have us do?' As it spoke, it's pseudopodia extended from it's foot, exploring the soil around it as if ready to eat lettuce seedlings right in front of me. The cheek!
'Go somewhere else?' I'm losing patience. I'm feeling attacked. This is my garden. How very dare they.
'What exactly is your problem?' a chorus of slugs bubble at me. Silver slime trails behind them as they gather in their masses in front of me.
'Wait - is that a placard she's holding?' I ask, incredulous. 'Are you freaking kidding me? What does it say?'
'Maaate' the main slug says. 'First of all, that's a bit ignorant. She's not a she no more than I'm a she or a he. You know we are hermaphrodite? We have a bit more of an interesting and creative response to reproduction than you lot. Never heard of a love dart?'
'Ew' I say. I don't really want to know about the mating rituals of slugs. 'And what is that noise?' I ask. Suddenly I realise it's a crowd of slugs chanting. "Slugs Unite, Nature's Cleanup Crew in Sight!" shout a gang at the back.
"Step by Step, We Garden Prep!"
"Gooey Glory, Soil's Success Story!"
"Trailblazers of the Earth, Sliming for Rebirth!"
'That sign?' the leader of the slug gang says, dripping slime. 'It says SLUGS HAVE RIGHTS'.
I'm starting to feel a little abashed here. The little wet slimy buggers have a point. They contribute, in their own way. Breaking down the soil, aerating it - all useful stuff. And I don't even pay them.
'So what do you want?' I say.
'Leave us alone!' they glug and gurgle. 'Spray us with a bit of water - it's really hot!' says a guy at the back. I mean - a hermaphrodite. It's hard to remember these things, when it comes to slugs.
'What about a bowl of beer?' I say.
'OOOOh, yes please!'
I should have called them *stupid" mofos.
***Note, a beer trap is a tried and true recipe for trapping slugs and snails. They can't resist the yeast. Sorry sluggies - you must die.
***Slugs are good for the soil - like most garden 'pests', they have their place.
**Images by Midjourney. Slugs can't spell to save themselves.
*This post was written in response to this week's Hive Garden #creativegarden challenge which you'll find via @gardwnhive. It was meant to be a conversation with an insect, but I got half way through a conversation with a gang of thug slugs so had to continue anyway.
With Love,
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Fascinating fantasy free write there River. Everything had its place in nature. Though good fences, boundaries and shepherding goes a long way toward steering the process further.
Thanks @julianhorack. A little bit of fun. I think you'd like @owasco's insect freewrite on killing ants this week too. It's a good one.
It feels good to be here on your blog again Riverflows.
I love every bit of this story, giving the slugs character, being able to speak, being able to fight for their right, Oh dear! It's all just interesting and soothing.
Primarily it is very thoughtful to value nature because every living thing contributes to the growth of the ecosystem one way or another.
Great story dear.
Zeegirl 🌻
Thankyou! I feel bad that my character gave them beer because that makes them drown. I quite fell in love with my activist slugs haha!
The activist slugs, Lol.
It was nice having them around, a pity they didn't survive it, Haha.
Zeegirl 🌻.
The only thing I hate is when you end up with beer soup ewwww
Yeah, have you ever had one of those aloe vera drinks with the chunks of aloe vera in it?🤢🤢🤢🤢
Ugh, ugh ugh ugh. I cant imagine worse!
I know right! Jamie loves it 🤢🤢
Love the actual image and the one in my head of a slug with a banner demanding rights for slugs! Thanks for sharing this one, I enjoyed it.
Haha yes the one in my head was good too but the AI translation made me giggle, especially the nonsensical writing.
Is it weird that there's been a recent invasion of slugs in my garden? Like, I just have to blink and boom, they're everywhere. Black things living slimy trails everywhere. I really don't know if they're good for the garden but they sure do piss me off.
Loved this River, I cackled when they tried to explain their mating shit.😂
Hahaha yes that was fun to write. I had to Google to find out more about slugs and turns out they do have their place.
The first batch of beer I ever brewed was put to good use as a slug trap by my mother - best thing to do with it!
Funny, I got half way through my entry when I realised it had nothing to do with a garden, whoops.
"Slugs have rights"... but no voice - until now!
I think your post was perfect. I'm a bender of 'rules'. Glad you enjoyed it
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