What if...?
What if I can't?
What if I fail?
What if I lose?
What if I don't have what it takes?
So many questions. And yet, in reality, they are all the same question. And, I believe, precisely the wrong question.
Each one is rooted in the presumption of Failure.
Throughout my Life, I have asked these questions at virtually every step. Telling myself, they are the start of any critical analysis before beginning any new endeavor; I work down the list in what I believe to be a thoughtful, deliberate way.
Perhaps these kinds of questions are, indeed, an essential step in evaluating any proposition. They most likely are. Are we supposed to throw ourselves all in at the next hot idea without a thought or care about how we'd respond to unexpected barriers?
Be careful. Have a backup plan. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. This is the conventional wisdom, to be sure.
And yet, what are the conventional circumstances of the lives of most?
I would offer that, in general, we play it safe. Too safe. Sadly safe, in fact.
We interpret Failure as an outcome. If I do this, and it doesn't work out, well then, I've failed.
Welcome to Failure: You have arrived. (Again.)
The potential for Failure becomes the primary reason we don't try. It becomes the single most crucial factor in an equation we're attempting to solve. Somehow, we allow Failure to outweigh and overshadow almost every other variable in our calculation. I'm not a mathematician, but this would appear to be a crucial miscalculation.
What if I apply, but I'm not selected? Failure.
What if I ask her out, but she says no? Failure.
What If I start a business, but it doesn't prosper? Failure.
What if I try to paint/write/compose/create, but nobody likes it? Failure.
We greatly desire to move our knights and bishops around the chessboard. However, every endgame looks like checkmate before we make any move.
Why is this?
Perhaps the fear of Failure isn't the only issue. Perhaps Failure isn't the issue at all...
What if it's something even worse? Something we're not able to even give voice to lest we let it out to run rampant all over us.
What if I just can't? What if I don't have what it takes.
What if... I'm. Not. Enough.
There's ourselves at the heart of any endeavor - each decision, every choice. And if we believe that we are inferior or insufficient, what's the use? Wouldn't an attempt at anything be predicated on our inevitable Failure?
What if that's it?
If it is, then we have a lot of work to do, my Friends...
Recently I read through a bunch of old letters I'd written to a friend. He had returned these letters to me while cleaning out his garage. Through these longhand letters of the past (no email then, Friends), full of dull, dry, daily doings, I realized two things about myself: 1) I am a total nerd, and 2) I was utterly risk-averse.
The nerd part I'll save for another day.
But the risk-averse part? Let's pick at that for a while...
As a young man, I was full of ambitions. Like most of us, I was a deep well of hopes and dreams. In these letters, I outlined my goals in stellar detail. What I wanted to do. How I could achieve it. Plans. Steps. Timelines. Projected outcomes. It's all there.
And the result of all those painstakingly printed plans? Nothing.
In one letter, I'd outline some grand design. And then, a few letters later, I'd write how that design had shifted or abandoned entirely. And there in print was a matter-of-fact accounting why this plan, or that plan, could not be realized.
Not enough money.
Not enough Time.
Not enough interest.
Not enough ability.
Over and over again, I'd present ideas, ramble on about all the details. I'd be working myself up towards taking Action. And then...? Nothing.
Every Time - each idea - I ended up abandoning.
Thirty-five years later, it's as if these dreams never existed. Businesses I was going to start. Relationships I was going to initiate. Foreign lands I was going to see. Nothing happened.
As I read through this chain of old messages, it was easy to recognize a clear pattern. It's a pattern that reveals much about my Life. And perhaps yours, as well.
I should pause a moment to be clear about one thing. I have managed to achieve many substantial achievements in this Life. A great career. A fantastic family. A positive and productive body of public service to my community. Heck, maybe I shouldn't be so critical of myself...
And yet, there was So. Much. More. I might have accomplished.
The difference between the dreams I abandoned and the accomplishments I realized offer insight, too. In retrospect, my triumphs seem essentially embedded in activities I felt I must do. My deserted Dreams were primarily rooted in the steps I wanted to take.
If true, this offers a subtle but essential nuance, doesn't it?
If I had to raise, protect, and feed my family, I found every way to do so. Driven by this inarguable reality, I excelled. Throughout my career. In my public service. And via my availability and attention to my family. Success!
But my Dreams and Aspirations? Without the assurance of its necessity, they are more readily dismissed.
The real question, I suppose, is this: Were my Dreams and Aspirations genuinely unnecessary?
I've come to believe something new in my more advanced years of existence. It's something important about measuring our Success. And while this realization causes some degree of sadness for me, it also speaks to me in an imperative and demanding way.
Success shouldn't be calculated solely through the body of work we produce. Instead, our output should be calculated against the whole of what our true potential was or is. This new accounting principle is both revealing and disturbing.
How much of what I have to offer has been delivered? How much of my potential has been realized? How far up the mountain of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs have I climbed?
That seems a far better question to ask me than 'What if?' Embedded within the question of meeting my potential is a presumption of Success, not Failure. This new, better question itself points us towards a more optimistic ideal.
How much more can I be?
The answer is likely to be... Much.
Back to those old letters...
More than a metaphor, those letters serve as evidence of my reluctance to reach. I dreamed. I planned. But I failed to take the next logical step in the progression: Action.
And I believe this is where many of us lapse into the hazy comfort of 'good enough.' Faced with the prospect of taking Action and potentially meeting with Failure, we choose, instead, to stand pat. We find ways to assure ourselves that our existence is sufficient (and safe) with no urgent need to press forward with risky ambition.
I suppose I should choose my words more carefully because there's not much comforting about a state of status quo. Sure - we're busy. We're productive. We're perhaps even physically and materially comfortable. But our mind is restless or possibly even anguished. And for this mental state, there is not much available in terms of wholesome relief.
Instead, we attempt to appease our ambition through comfort and convenience. Or frivolity. Or sedation.
How's that working for you?
I find that the more we try to appease our inner calling with exterior stimulation, the more insatiable we become. It's somewhat ironic. The more we drink, the thirstier we become. The more we have, the more we want. We're never satisfied. The short-term exhilaration from whatever diversion we create for or soothe ourselves with only returns us to the emptiness and sense of drift at our core.
And all along, the clock ticks off the moments of our Life with unsympathetic precision.
There are many reasons why we do not discover or act on our Purpose. But at the heart of the matter, it likely all comes down to one simple thing:
I'm. Not. Enough.
It's a fallacy that both undermines our Happiness and fuels our anguish. It invokes the Fear of Failure and stokes the fire of our soul-crushing discontent. And like with so many other situations in our Lives, we devote all of our efforts to treating the symptoms of our malaise. And we steer well clear of confronting the sole cause of our disorder.
In those old letters, I can plainly read the cause of my disorder. I see clearly the words not written there that explain why nothing ever came of those youthful Dreams, those careful plans. And when I compare the dates inscribed on those letters to today's date, it's easy to recognize that while I wavered and wandered in indecision and Doubt, Time did not.
When I apply this new accounting principle to my Life, it is easy to see that my output has fallen well short of my ability. This deficit gnaws at my sense of Purpose and vandalizes my Happiness.
Fortunately for me and you, Friend, the accounting books are still open. Not all of our transactions have yet transpired or been recorded.
We're still in business. There's Still Time.
The missing element is and has always been Action. There's been no shortage of Dreams. No lack of desire. Just not enough Action.
But we can change all of that - Today. We can rediscover, repurpose, and recommit ourselves to our Future in one decisive step. If we understand that our potential is the only yardstick that genuinely matters, we can lay aside the Self-Doubt and its legacy, the Fear of Failure. Not the expectations of others nor the achievements of others.
Our only real competition is with ourselves. And for that contest, we are each uniquely qualified to compete and win. If only we would take the field...
What if?
What if I Dream of a Better Life?
What if I discover my True Purpose?
What if I make a Plan to achieve that Life?
What if I take Action to realize my Dreams and Purpose?
I think all that would make a fine letter to a Friend... Or, an email, I guess. After all, it isn't 1986 anymore...
I am impressed that you wrote letters and your friend kept it and passed it to you
It's a window into the then you in text and so much you have said here rings true
I am not enough
Fear of failure or perhaps even success (for what does success mean, how much work needs to be done....)
Enjoyed the read and thank you for letting us take a peek into the then you and the now you ;D
It was pretty fascinating to read those old letters. Familiar, and yet brand new...
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed my post!
Overthinking always ruin future success, this is a good read my friend @braveboat
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Fantastic! I'm gonna have to reread this a couple of times in more detail. I went through these same thoughts a million times at the end of high school until my mid-twenties when I finally got some legs under me. It's crazy how much we second guess, and sometimes how little we learn.
Just that one little mental nag and we're back to our old habits of obsessing over the past.