2 months after, here I am, still playing pool. I told myself that I need this hobby. When I move somewhere else or travel again, I will take this skill with me. And I will never feel lonely anymore. Only if I am good at it though, but yeah, it takes time.
I just want to enjoy the whole learning process. I even bought myself some proper gear because I thought that if I spend something on a hobby that I really enjoy, I will never ever quit. I'm serious now. Okay don't get me wrong, I don't plan to quit yet just another hobby, this is just a BPD thing creeping in today - I'm probably just hormonal or something. Gosh old age, what can you do? The pressure to keep up and be good at something. I'm a little insecure. Let's say I'm just a bit spiraling today.
My mentor at the pool hall told me about this girl he used to teach and how she's really good now. I do understand that there's always someone better than me or got into pool way ahead of me and their existence is enough. But after spending some huge money, and 3 hours 3 x week (this is all I can give due to my job, I still have a life), he told me how he admired the other girl and repeated this story to me. This triggered my insecurity and this is such an unhealthy feeling. How to be magically be the best at something (I know right)? I felt like I have to keep up with his standards and gain his approval especially after all the hard work and money I'm putting in for this hobby. I have to write about this because this is how I am feeling right now. You know, the pain of not feeling enough and it sucks. This all-too-familiar feeling. I know I can't just expect him to change his approach so he can focus on my little improvements, because as you know people, we can't really control them. My mind is messing up with me right now. To be honest, I've been obsessed with pool lately and that it's all I can think about. I watch youtube, I read reddit Billiards community, I practice and practice. And what? It might still not be enough? I know I have to stop expecting some approval from someone and I just have to track my own progress. And gosh, it's only been 2 months! It doesn't make sense to put this too much pressure on myself. People who are good at pool played for 10,000 hours or since they were kids. I'm not even aspiring to be a pro, I just want to be decent. I want to just enjoy the process and compare myself with how I am yesterday. Yes I know all of this, but easier said than done?
It all comes from childhood trauma I think. I have to be the best in everything that I do to compensate for being constantly told that I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough, etc. So early on, I've learned to stop looking for others people's approval because they won't appreciate me anway. I graduated with honors, earned scholarship, got a good job, traveled on my own, became better at what I do at work, and in the end I only have myself to appreciate all of this. Then this new thing came to my life and I feel like being back to 0. How can I fast track to 10k hours? How to have a bit of confidence?
I can't compare myself with others otherwise I will feel constantly unhappy. I want to focus on my own progress and just enjoy the journey. If only if it's easy...
New gear:
Cuetec Avid Chroma
Predator Glove
Taom Chalk
Nice gear! Keep going and try to have fun, hopefully that will show in the results.
Also, sometimes working a little less hard on something might actually make it go easier ( once again ).
You are good enough
Abrazo!
I want to make it fun!
Thank you! 😊
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I know that was a triple bank shot into your far back corner pocket! Always showing off...
Um...you are definitely pretty enough! But that OCD can kill ya.
Those balls were just lined up there for my practice. Yeah my quest for perfection is killing me now.
Some WOO for U FWIW...My intuition says you are a 1 with a 9 wing in the Enneagram. So a Perfectionist with some Peacemaking qualities. The thing I like about this mapping is it lays out a vertical healthy/unhealthy axis so one can get a sense of where they are at in their psycho/social development. I’ve found it quite accurate-- at least in my case.
https://bestpersonalitytests.com/enneagram-type-1/
Thanks Doc. Im pretty sure it is diabolical qualities. I will take this test after my match later! 😎🎱
It's great you've found something to stick to so you have skill in your pocket, chalk it up to experience but hobbies like this become more and more necessary as one ages.
You can try to focus your goals on process rather than outcomes. e.g. Practise 3x3 per week for 3 months with no breaks.
Yeah I try not to focus on becoming a high level player in no time, I just want to enjoy the slow journey.
I found this from an article/book
As a daily FPV drone pilot, I can confirm. I was travelling without a drone for a few weeks, but once I found a drone and a spot where I could fly legally, it was pure joy.
It is really nice you found your happy place. 🙏
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