How did I end up here?
This is the question we all eventually will ask ourselves. Today, it's my turn. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment my life changed. I changed... Or was it that essentially, the current me has always been the real me, and I just never had the courage or desire to reveal myself to anybody else?
I feel like the simple answer to this question would be that underneath the optimistic, smiley and full of life persona I had built for myself over the years, there has always been the pessimist who didn't believe in anything but her own truth - you know, the one she had already crafted so meticulously in her brain. But this seems a bit too convenient. No, I definitely remember times when I was happier, fun and excited about the future. The only thing I would hide from the whole world was my sensitivity...Which, now that I think about, is probably the biggest part of my personality.
The more complex answer would be that somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I lost something that made me ME. What scares me about this answer is that I'd have to delve deep into my past experiences to try and figure out what really happened, where exactly it all fell apart.
I mean, I could just assume it was the cumulation of bad moments that shaped me into the person I am today, but would not knowing the exact reason help me in any way? Most likely not. Then again, how would revisiting all the darkness in my life help me lead a more fulfilling life? If I'm already standing on the edge of the cliff? But also, am I looking to build a better life or simply to survive?
To be completely honest with you, what I feel is that there's something irreversibly broken inside me. There's no fix, I cannot go back to being my past self. But I don't like the person I've become either.
Very ambiguous, I know. I don't want to share too much but I'll give you some context. Within the past pretty much 5 years, I have dealt (or tried to deal) internally with family issues and relationships (this is something that's been present for all my life but I only started realizing it recently), physical and mental health struggles, being a single parent, work problems, misunderstandings with friends, dating (for a hot sec because I gave that up quickly), freakin' Covid! Now add to this the massive disappointment this world's become, and there you go. There is not even one aspect of my life that has been going good lately. It's just darkness everywhere, no light at the end of any tunnels. How can one be expected to be okay at the end of the day?
I still remember the first time I sat down with my therapist after fighting the internal prejudice that was instilled in me by the environment I grew up in. She asked me a very simple, but loaded in a way, question - "What brings you here today?". It didn't take long before I spilled out every bit of myself I had suppressed for years on end. I saw empathy and compassion in her eyes. She then told me something that released all the hurt I had accumulated for the past 3 decades - "This is a massive load to carry on your shoulders.". And for the first time in my life, I felt heard. Someone finally validated my feelings. In the end, it turned out they do matter.
All this to say, even after a few years of therapy, I still haven't gotten to the bottom of this. I know it will take time but I'm having such a hard time finding meaning in anything nowadays. The only person giving me strength is my daughter - her smile brings me back to life every single day and I am forever grateful for this little human who, unbeknownst to her, has already done so much for me!
Thank you all for coming on this rather depressive journey with me. I haven't been in the best of moods lately so it felt good to write about some of it. I appreciate your support and wish you a fantastic start to the week!