Alright God, Your turn! Come on up.
Okay.
GOD walks to the front of the classroom holding a box.
We're all so excited to see what You brought today! Alright class, pay attention to God now!
Good morning everyone. So today for Show And Tell I brought lightning.
Ohhh, lightning! Doesn't that sound interesting, class? Tell us about lightning, God.
Well.
GOD opens the box and takes a bolt of lightning out of it.
What I actually have here is a minimum viable product since I'm still pretty early in the development process. But essentially lightning is an extremely powerful electrostatic discharge whose primary function is smiting people when they do something I don't like.
My oh my, how very interesting indeed! Can you explain that a little bit more?
Well I mean mainly it would be pretty obvious things like eating bacon or sacrificing their kids to Ba'al instead of me, but sometimes it would just be totally random stuff like that time when Uzzah—
No no, I meant explain the lightning itself, not the things people do to make you smite them.
Oh. Right. Well, basically lightning is the nearly instantaneous release of a tremendous amount of energy when two regions of opposite polarity neutralize themselves. I'm still very much in alpha and running a lot of tests here, but right now it looks like the most promising scenario for this to play out naturally would be between a negatively charged thundercloud and a region of positively charged Earth located near or beneath that cloud.
Hmm. I assume the person being smitten is neutralized in this process as well?
That's the plan, yeah. I was a bit worried during initial R&D because I discovered that in certain cases it might actually be possible for a person to survive a lightning smite. But then my marketing guy Michael said if that ever happens to someone I smite, I should just spin it as an example of how I'm not just an awesome God but also a merciful God too.
Makes sense. Good move bringing Michael on like that.
Yeah there's really no one like him. Allah's still pissed at me for that headhunt. Anyway, something else I'm working on with this lightning concept is compatibility with other types of smiting I've already developed and launched, like volcanic eruptions for example. So say if I'm already in the process of burying an entire city of sinners under hot burning ash, then I can toss in some lightning too if I'm feeling particularly wrathful that day.
How clever!
Thanks. So anyway I guess that's about it.
Wonderful! Thank You for that lovely presentation, God. Would You like to show the class how it works now?
Sure. Bobby didn't read his Bible yesterday and I was planning to smite him anyway, so I guess I could demonstrate on him.
BOBBY scoots his chair back and raises his hand.
Uhhh, I don't think this is a good—
Excuse me! Did I call on you, Bobby?
No ma'am, I just—
How many times have I told you? No talking unless I've called on you first! I'm sending you to the principal's office just as soon as this is over, if God sees fit in His mercy to let you survive.
Alright, go ahead now!
BOBBY gets up and runs for the door. GOD hurls a lightning bolt that strikes BOBBY in the head. BOBBY falls to the floor and doesn't move.
Silly Bobby thought he could outrun the speed of light. That'll learn em.
That's what he gets for not reading his Bible.
Well you know what they say over at the random bible verse generator:
So we may boldly say:
“The Lord is my helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:6
Amen brother!
Then he said to them, ‘Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.’
Nehemiah 8:10
Yes. Of course
The Lord makes poor and makes rich;
He brings low and lifts up.
1 Samuel 2:7
Sure
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.
anthonyadavisii 119:50
But then
Sorry Sir. The kitchen is closed.
Lazy Chef (about) 7:30
Hahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dude, this is gold! Blasphemy just how I like it. You're a fucking legend, man. In future, when religion gone the best literature, jokes and movies, shows etc would be blasphemy.
I'm glad you enjoyed my blasphemy. Have a !BEER!
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BEER.That's some proper smiting. I hope Bobby learns from this valuable lesson. Even if he dies in the learning at least he will have learned
Sometimes the most important lesson of all is learning how to just die already so other people can learn from the huge mistake that was your life. Or something like that.
!BEER
I have heard a similar thought train in Scotland where people think that the most important thing to do is get the dying done quick so that people don't have to fanny about and can just move right on.
I believe it's genetic or seasonal or something.
!PIZZA
Sounds like Scotland really knows what's what when it comes to genetics and seasons and stuff.
Genetics were made in Scotland. I am sure I saw that on a bumper
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BEER.Hey @meesterboom, here is a little bit of
BEERfrom @brandt for you. Enjoy it!Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your
BEER.Well that looked like a fun camping night. I trust YOLO M. is pretty cozy under those circumstances, and that Bobby is currently doing angel work in the marketing department with Michael.
Actually I heard God put Bobby to work in sales because Bobby is an introvert who hates talking to people, and God wants heaven to be hell for him.
What doesn't kill you in heaven makes you stronger! God is making Bobby stronger. Bobby is going to be very strong.
Boogie woogie, woogie.
🎵
Your dad is Thor??? Or just a diehard Chargers fan.
(That looks like Alvord.)
My dad is Dad.
Oh, I think I saw him at the department store last week, trying on clothes. He's really into the crotch thrusting. Other than that, seems like a pretty cool guy.
So I figured out that favorites thing thanks to you but when your content isn't in your blog feed I miss it thanks to you.
Hmm that's confusing. If you're following me, then my content should show up to you regardless of where I post it. Or at least I thought that's how it works?
I see your blog feed first. When you post to a community, it shows in your post feed only, rather than both blog and all posts unless you click that little post to my blog toggle.
If you're fuckin with me and I fell for it, it won't happen in the same place twice.
Oh I think I know what you mean now. Yeah, the interface is pretty unintuitive when it comes to the difference between Blog and All Posts. Kind of a silly way to categorize it but whatever. Everything should still show up if you scroll through your Following or Favorites feed or wherever it is you put me.
I promise I wasn't trying to fuck with ya, sometimes I just like to post in no community.
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