I haven't spoken to my dad in almost two years.
We last spoke at my wedding in 2019. Some of our guests will probably remember it fondly. They will say my dad seemed tired but friendly. He likes sharing anecdotes and is quite funny when in the right mood. My cousin said she enjoyed spending time with him, that he was rather jovial and "always has the best stories."
But I didn't see that. My friends didn't see that.
He told my wife's best friend that she talks too much. He ignored my wife. He did not stand at the appropriate times in our ceremony. He criticized my appearance and said we spent too much money, though he only contributed a small portion of the total cost.
I kicked him out after the ceremony and reception, when he pulled me aside while I was dancing with my wife, to whisper his nasty opinions in my ear. I would not have it and pulled away from him. He left. I found a closet to sit in and cry.
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Kurt Russell stars in the 2017 film as a powerful cosmic entity, a god named Ego, who also happens to be the estranged father of Chris Pratt's Peter Quill, the self-styled "Star-Lord."
The dynamics of this relationship are one of the main themes of the film. Peter has never known his father and rejoices at their reunion, but problems soon become apparent, as Ego has plans and does not seems to care about other's opinions.
I'm not going to spoil the movie, but Marvel's naming conventions make it suitable for this week's word discussion, and the theme of "daddy issues" is certainly relevant to examinations of my own ego.
"My Legacy"
My father has strong opinions. He always has. Those that are more astrologically inclined won't be surprised to hear he is a Leo. He is a tall, well built man that carries himself in a way that tries to distract from this. He often walks with his head down. He is soft spoken, quiet bordering on brooding, but when he feels that you need to know his thoughts, he will speak, and then it is hard to ignore.
There were many times growing up where we didn't agree, but it was inconsequential, as he was the Patriarch and my thoughts were not up to his standard. I couldn't possibly have the understanding necessary to question his motives.
When I was old enough to move out, it became easier to develop my own opinions, but I'm still quite bad at it. It took nearly ten years and a very healthy life partnership to realize my personal attitude and develop faith in myself.
My father wanted to take that from me on my wedding day, but I told him that what he was seeing was me, the me that never had a chance to express itself under his roof.
And we haven't talked since then.
Ego Enablers
I'm certain of my opinion on the matter. So is my dad. When he and my mother were leaving town a few days after my wedding, I was texting with my mother and I told her that my dad would need to talk to me further, express all of his feelings.
He, in turn, had her tell me, "Sumus qui sumus." We are what we are.
Wheels within wheels, my father's mind. He has not had one word for me beyond this purposefully obtuse Latin.
My mother has said, "There is a lot of hurt between you," which conveniently takes no sides, and I don't blame her. She has to live with him, she loves him just as much as me.
But I also question her stance. I mean, of course I do, I think I'm right. I'm certain I'm right.
That's just it, though. I spent many years of my life not able to have a public opinion on matters that my father decided. Maybe now I'm too concerned with my own feelings, my own perspective. My wife agrees with me. She was slighted almost as much as I was at our wedding.
But he could say the same thing....
No One Wins
I don't know how to change my mind, but I'm aware that both my father and I have lost something. We are both hurt and too proud to do anything about it.
I think about contacting him occasionally, but there is no guarantee that he would listen, or truly hear what I was saying. Maybe I can't communicate it because of my own failings, but then where did I learn all my particular habits?
Peter Quill is given the opportunity to follow his father's footsteps. He is given power and knowledge beyond measure. What did he do with it?
I want to thank you all for reading my entry into @calumam's POB Word of the Week competition. I appreciate any and all feedback and I'm sure I'll see you in the comments!
Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash
I guess it's just pride now, right, that will stop either of you communicating with the other. Still, that wound is going to be raw for a while, and there's no need for you to rub it whilst the memory is so fresh. Sounds like some distance is needed. For anything to truly be repaired, both of you have to be willing to do it I suppose. Tough situation sometimes, families, especially boys and fathers, I've found. I'd be frustrated with his Latin 'advice' too - that seems to me a cop out, when what you needed, and deserved, was an apology. I can't help but feel outrage for you, but that doesn't help anything either.
or one could say, our egos...but you've nailed it. i'm hoping things will change, but have no ideas for moving forward.
and the Latin was indeed a cop out. i had to Google it for fuck's sake.
This just reminded me of the laws in my favorite book that states "Avoid stepping into a great man's shoes"
Why? So that you do not get lost in their shadow or in a past that is not of your own making.
And reading this now, I think, you did the right thing growing out of the shadow of your dad even though it made your relationship with him grow sour
One day he will come to understand and I am pretty sure, he will
And he will come around, just have faith
And mum is such a strong woman to be able to live with him, and accommodate him, and understand him as well....kudos to her
I am glad you have a partner that has helped dyou in a positive way, and that has helped you find your voice and who you truly are
I wish you luck in the contest
so hard, such big shadow!
these last years have definitely tested my faith, but we're not dead yet, so i suppose there's still time.
she absolutely is and the whole world is lucky to have her.
me too! honestly, i'd probably be dead, or just deadly miserable.
thank you so much for your kind words. i appreciate it, truly.
Lol. I am sorry about this
Truly, when there is life, there is hope.
I am lucky to have known about her today. Cheers to her big heart
Now, you are a lucky person, sweetheart
You are truly welcome, sir
A sad image of the father-son relationship, because of the father's too big ego. I'm sorry to read this, I'm thinking about my relationship with my son. I never did like your father. Maybe my insecurity, understanding that I can't always be right helped me.
I can't give any advice but I would like to hear that your father was looking for you and even if he didn't apologize, you can see that he regrets the way he behaved.
a few months back he sent me a text, no words, but two photos of me from my teenage years. i know that he's searching for some way to connect, but i am just as stubborn (unfortunately) and what i need from him are words.
i feel that he had his own troubles growing and maturing, things that he has never examined, that have colored his thinking, but he rarely thinks himself wrong.
thank you for your thoughts.
With pleasure. Looks like your dad is trying to build a bridge to you. You know best how sincere he can be and if he can change.
Hard men raise harder children...sometimes. I had my own life lessons. I don't remember having the same father/son conversations that I have with my own kids. I read stories to them, dance with them before bed to their favorite songs, and take the time to explain things to them.
You have to let something go when you want it to grow. It doesn't have to be a person that is the thing you let go of. Sometimes it's something intangible like a relationship.
What was my approach with my father? I let him be most of the time and speak with my mother. They're both set in their world and that's fine by me. Their favorite, my sister, is near them both so their Eden is set. We speak from a distance as we're both on opposite sides of a country. My kids see and speak with them on facetime.
I don't have any answers to help you. You should just know that you're not alone. Thank you for sharing.
his father was a small town sheriff and a no-nonsense preacher so i imagine that had some effect, hehe.
your comment makes me feel quite "known", which was unexpected, but i do appreciate it. it's hard sometimes, but i guess i'm not alone. thank you.
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These things happen, people don't always agree. You didn't really say what the disagreement was about, and you don't have to say it if you don't want to, but recently I've been trying to get along and be cordial and happy with people regardless of our differences in opinions. As long as they are not causing harm to me or someone else. Maybe this could be relevant in some way for you @lerkfrend
i live my life, and my father doesn't agree with all of my choices, and he believes he can expect a change in my behavior because he disagrees. if i better understood his concerns maybe we could move forward, but he has not expressed himself very well and what he did say was rude and hurtful to multiple people in my life.
that's not a good way to discuss something.
A relationship between father and son kinda common when there is something very weird in between getting in the way. I'm sorry for that, @lerkfrend.
Have you ever tried to have a conversation with him, just focused on what could be the root of the problem?
after our fight at my wedding, i told him i wanted him to contact me to tell me more about his thinking and he never followed up on that...