NSFW: forest fun with Phallus impudicus

this is my contribution to #FungiFriday by @ewkaw. in keeping with the nature of the subject matter the text of this post is satirically impudent, shameless, insensitive and rude as well as humorous. if you are easily offended please do not continue but if you are UP for a little naughty fun you have cum to the right place.

look folks these innocent creations of nature have nothing to do with you living out your fantasies. but since you are all alone and nobody will ever find out, i realize nothing is going to stop some of you so please, just be gentle on them

after all they are hollow and far more fragile than all the crazy things you are used to

better to start off with a little fellatio. that greenish black goo covering the head may stink to high heaven but it is actually sweet. though flies are originally attracted to the intensely foul odor, once they taste that sugary gel they don't leave. it'll be gone in a matter of hours. no shit. just beware you may have to fight off more than a few flies off before you can have a go. and now you know why they call them blowflies

you may think something's missing here. just know there's not all that much holding these guys erect.

in real life the shaft is white but here in fantasyland maybe you like them big and black. hey, what's wrong with a little diversity now and then.

please understand these are not toys. they are living reproductive organs and sometimes things don't go as they should. this poor fellow has a problematic case of foreskin but a little circumcision could fix that in no time.

this is worse. even Viagra won't help this poor guy

so he's bowing his head in shame

and it's not only whites who may be prone to erectile dysfunction. just sayin.

it's not easy getting old. his best days are behind him.

don't dismay, if you have found one there are bound to be others far more fit close by, all lubed up and ready.

but like i said before, be gentle on them. if you press too hard as they are entering they can fall over. if that happens no worries just move on and leave them for the flies. they can still reproduce in that position, just not with you.

if you are really lucky you might find a pair just right for a good DP

but if you can only do one at a time or that's too much action you can just eat them. eat them raw

in that case you should find a young one. really young, you know like how the Royals prefer them. just open the egg. if you are fussy peel away the jelly and eat the meat. that's how they do it here anyway

i took all these photos on august 3rd with my S22 phone. none of the fungi were abused in any way but most of the images have been edited with the free version of photoshop. in particular i reduced the exposure and increased both the contrast and highlights. for fun i applied an invert filter to get the black shafts with the white heads.