My beautiful, sweet mama passed away on 26th June, 2024.
My life changed forever at 2:41pm on just another Wednesday.
It doesn’t seem real, yet at the same time the reality is utterly suffocating.
Mom had been sleeping a lot.
On June 14th I went to my parent’s house early in the morning. I was dropping off my pooches to be watched by dad so I could attend a funeral. When I got there, my mom was awake and so chatty. This was a surprise. Every other time I had visited recently mom had been low energy.
However, I had a schedule to keep, so had to leave. I told mom I was looking forward to visiting later in the day. She seemed excited to talk later too. Sadly, mom was asleep when I returned that afternoon. I chalked it up to poor timing, figuring things would be better during our next visit.
My next visit was on Sunday, June 16th. I went over on Father’s Day. I was there 3 hours before mom woke up. In that time I expressed to dad I was worried. He said he was worried too, but also was blaming some of mom’s medications for her weird sleeping schedule.
I didn’t go back again until June 22. 😪
I had to work the 17th and 18th, but had planned to return on the 19th. It was a holiday, so no work. Instead, I got wrapped up in putting together patio furniture. One item was a gift for my husband’s upcoming birthday.
I had taken the 20th off too, but more birthday prep was happening. We had planned to visit my parents on June 21st (my husband’s birthday). He dumbly scheduled a bunch of errands for himself that day, and they all went pear shaped. Which put him in a lousy mood. So… we didn’t get to mom and dad’s until the 22nd.
When we arrived mom was asleep again, but not peacefully sleeping. She looked terrible… gaunt, mouth hanging open. It was like looking at my grandma in the days before she passed away. I was distraught. I tried to wake mom but she didn’t stir. After another two hours, she woke up, but was disoriented. I had to explain to her who we were for it to click in her brain. My husband thanked her for his gift and we said our goodbyes for the afternoon.
I cried for the rest of the day.
For a brief period of time on Sunday, I was indecisive on my next steps. But finally I said to myself (F-CK IT)! I emailed work to let them know I was off until further notice. Then I went to my parent’s house. I stayed until 11pm. We called some people to let them know they should come visit soon if they wanted to say goodbye.
On Monday, June 24th I got to my parent’s a little before 11am. Mom wasn’t doing great, but did manage to take her pills with dad’s help. By the afternoon she was in some pain, so mom took pain meds and fell asleep. In the evening her friend Sheila came to visit.
Some back story… mom underwent her Whipple procedure February 24, 2020. Due to EXTENSIVE complications and repeat infections, mom did not come home from the hospital for 360 days! This was during Covid restrictions, so most visitors were banned… except the hospital chaplains. Sheila was the chaplain. Sheila had been with mom when we couldn’t, and they developed a deep friendship. Which continued after mom came home.
Mom slept through the whole thing, but Sheila’s visit was beautiful. She spoke to mom for a long time. Held her hand and brought a beautiful rose. Shelia told mom how strong and brave she had been. Dad and I cried.
After Sheila’s visit we called the hospice team. A nurse came out to access mom’s condition. They advised that we stop pills. We were given liquid morphine to ease any further pain.
Before I went home that night mom woke up. We told her Sheila had visited. We showed mom the rose Sheila brought. In the midst of this mom looked at me and said, “You l are always here.” And I replied I am, and I will be here again tomorrow. I told her I loved her. I told her goodbye. Mom said the same things to me in return.
Those were her last words to me…
When I returned Tuesday morning, I got a smile from mom. She had opened her eyes just enough to see me. Then she fell back to sleep.
Throughout the day, people came by my parent’s house. First, mom’s nurse visited. Later my aunt and two cousins visited. My husband and our doggies came and said goodbye. My best friend did the same.
That evening I made my dad watch the Disney movie Coco. I had bought it for mom sometime after she had come home from the hospital, but they had never watched it. For some reason, I desperately wanted mom to watch this move with me. Since her hospital bed was set up in the living room, we watched the movie. The three of us together even though mom was unconscious and no longer responsive. I went home late that night, worried mom would pass away while I was gone.
Mom made it through the night.
I got to my parent’s house early. Mom was breathing steadily, but her breaths were quick and shallow. Each one spaced 6-9 seconds apart. I watched her breath all morning. Dad put on old 1930’s movies and was constantly telling me little tidbits about the old actors.
Around 10:30am mom’s bath lady came to the house with the nurse. The two of them cleaned mom, washed her hair, changed mom’s bedding and dressed mom in a fresh nightgown. We also placed a new blanket over mom. It had just come in the mail (an early birthday present for her) from my aunt and uncle.
Mom did not wake for any of this, but she looked so peaceful after.
I sent this photo to my aunt and uncle to thank them for the blanket. Mom would have loved the flowers and the colors.
Dad kept watching movies. I made us lunch. Dad dozed off on the couch. I left the couch and sat in the chair beside mom’s bed. I held her hand while watching her breath.
I wondered… if mom dies will I be able to tell?
I wanted to google the answer, but it would have required two hands. So instead, I continued to hold mom’s hand and watch.
As I was watching it seemed mom’s breaths were getting smaller, lighter, more gentle. I wanted to wake dad, but I didn’t want to leave mom’s side. I couldn’t get myself to speak.
Breath… breath…. breath
And then… she was gone. 😪
I still need to write mom’s obituary, but I have drafted her eulogy.
This is what I will say at her service.
Eulogy
Good afternoon everyone, my name is Danielle and for those of you who might not know I am Pam’s daughter.
Before I talk about mom, I want to thank all of you for coming today. I know a lot of people here didn’t necessarily know Mom, but you know, me and dad… and both of us appreciate your support as we mourn the loss of the most important person in our lives.
Mom would have been amazed to see so many faces here. And we are really grateful to see all of you too.
I also want to thank Sheila Connolly who just spoke. For the many months mom spent hospitalized, Sheila was mom’s chaplain and one of the only visitors mom could see.
My mom has always been very selective about the people she lets into her life, but she and Sheila bonded. Their friendship is a testament to what a wonderful person Sheila is. And I’m so thankful she could be there for my mom in the hospital and during these years after.
Mom really treasured their friendship.
It is a hard thing to lose the person who gave birth to you. The emptiness is vast and undescribable unless you’ve been through it.
As an only child, I spent a lot of time with my mom. Even though I have now been married more than 20 years, I think mom is still the one person in this world with whom I have spent the most time.
And I desperately wanted more time.
Mom devoted her life to me and dad. Always putting us first. She stayed home to raise me and held down the fort during dad’s work travels. Mom created a home for us that was warm, inviting and filled with beautiful things and delicious treats.
In her quiet and unassuming way mom made everything magical. For years she baked and decorated all of our birthday cakes. I never had a store bought Halloween costume because mom hand made each one. At Christmas she would help me decorate my own huge tree in my bedroom. And she still organized gifts from Santa and the Easter bunny well into my adulthood.
Mom is famous in our family for the the way she wrapped presents. Each one looked like a piece of art, and people would save her bows to reuse them on other packages later.
People often compliment me on my holiday tablescapes, but I only have that skill because I got it from mom. Every dinner party, every celebration, every sleep over for out of town guests was a chance for her to display her hospitality and artistic flare. And mom was the queen of both.
Mom was such a talented artist, both in the fine arts and in crafting. Over the years she completed countless paintings, drawings, charcoal sketches, sequined holiday ornaments, felt Christmas stockings, Ukrainian dyed Easter eggs, and knitted blankets. Mom sewed curtains and clothes. She also cross stitched pillow cases and tea towels which I know many of us have from her in our homes. Mom had an eye for aesthetic and design and with it she made everything beautiful.
Mom loved puzzles, crosswords, bowling, Italian pottery, southwest architecture, solitaire, collecting hallmark keepsake Christmas ornaments, reading, wombats, eating the heavily frosted and flowered corner pieces of store bought cakes, horror movies, tulips, drives to La Conner, dinners at Canlis and watching her soap operas.
Mom was feisty and mischievous. She took great joy in playfully teasing her nieces, nephews, and siblings-in-law. Always giggling with a sparkle in her eye after dropping some zinger.
Mom never hesitated when speaking her mind. She was whip smart, and won all the board games. She was also our household’s high score champion in both PAC Man and Space Invaders on our Atari 2600.
Mom loved her parents, and was so sad when her own mother passed this last Thanksgiving.
She also loved dad’s parents, his siblings, their spouses, and their children. Mom, like me, was an only child, but in marrying dad his siblings became her siblings too. I am so thankful they all were able to be together recently before we lost my mom and my aunt Christine to cancer.
Mom loved my dachshunds (her grand furbabies) Jasper and Kodi. Mom watched them every day back when working from the office was a regular occurrence. She made each one their own Christmas stocking, she bought and wrapped gifts to give them on holidays and their birthdays, and even from her hospice bed she would pet and kiss them when I lifted them high enough for her to reach.
Mom loved dad. They met after being set up on a blind date in 1965 and married at this very church 2 years later. The two of them are both stubborn, butting heads on occasion, but they fiercely protected one another and our family. You can see this clearly in everything dad did to protect and care for mom after her cancer diagnosis. He would have taken on everyone in the world to save her, and mom would have done the same for dad had their positions been reversed. Everyone deserves that kind of love and my parents were so lucky to have one another for almost 57 married years.
Mom loved and supported me unconditionally. She never questioned my choices nor expressed doubt in my decisions and most importantly, mom showed up for me every day.
When I chose Philip as my husband mom welcomed him into our family and loved him as a son. When I moved across the world, it was mom who packed up and shipped all of my possessions. When we came home, she carved out space for us to live in my parent’s basement, and she painted the bedrooms in our own home when we finally moved out.
I can’t count how many times I ended up really sick while Philip was out of town on some work trip, and mom would come over to take care of me… just like she did when I was little. In the days before her own cancer surgery, mom sat at our house watching one of my dogs so I could be with our other at the vet during his own medical emergency.
Mom always looked out for us and tried to ease our pain. Not long after she was told her cancer had returned, mom wrote dad and I each a letter. Mom instructed dad that they could only be opened after she was gone. In mine mom told me she will always love me. How proud she is of me, and how sorry she is to be gone. Even in her own dying mom was thinking of us.
She is the bravest and strongest person I have ever known.
I am so thankful for her. I am so grateful to be her daughter and I will love and miss mom every day of my life.
Thank you everyone for being here to remember and celebrate her.
💔
July 9, 1946 - June 26, 2024
This ismy third attempt in threedays trying to put thought into words on how you recount allthe events andyour thoughts leading up to moment you Mom left you and her heartfelt letter afterwards.
My heart is just breaking knowing what you're going through, my writing is gettiing crappy again. Have to stop.
Sending you and your family a big hug!
I feel the same trying to write replies to all the super kind and thoughtful messages. It is hard to know what to say. I know you know first hand about loss and seeing someone you love deteriorate and then slip away before your eyes. It is life changing. Sending you a big hug back. 🖤
I read this post earlier this morning when I saw you sharing it in the community discord.. It made me both smile and tear up at the same time because, as always, you speak so lovingly and beautiful about your family. It's equally beautiful and heart-breaking at the same time to read that you lost so many of them in such a short period of time..
I hope that those that are left, will be able to make a lot of beautiful memories so that you can continue to share the family stories and history with whoever wants to read and hear it.
My thoughts are with you, I hope that you can take a breathe when needed and take moments to grieve rather than only taking care of others.
Much !LUV to you !LADY <3
I have been at a loss for words to reply to all the kind comments.
Thank you for thinking of my family. 🫂
No need to reply, everyone knows you have a lot going on now.. Sending hugs and hope the service will be beautiful later.. As I mentioned, I will try to check in but don't know if I can yet..
!LUV
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I read part of your post earlier today... and could not get myself to read it till the end. I very much feel you. I finally did so just now.
@dfinney, Your eulogy is most beautiful and heartfelt. Your mom knows what is in your heart! And she knows how much you will miss her. And she will be loving you forever. She lives in memory—in you and your holiday tablescapes, among many other things. And she wants you to be happy... for her... even in her passing.
My thoughts and prayers are for you and your dad, @dfinney. May you be surrounded by so much love during these difficult times.
Thank you so much Saver. These last few weeks have been filled with so many emotions. I’ve found it hard to even find the words to reply to all of the messages. I appreciate you so much.
Mom’s funeral is today. In just a little over 3 hours. Surreal.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you dfin. It's a beautiful eulogy.
Thanks bugged. Eulogy will drop at the funeral today. Hoping I get it out of my mouth Ok. 💛
This is a most beautiful eulogy. My thoughts and prayers are with you, sweetie. 🙏
Thank you KG. 💕
Today is the funeral so feeling all the things.
Wonderful tribute! I feel like I've know her my whole life after that post. She will always be alive in your heart, this is easy to see. Take care @dfinney ❤️
Hugs, I'm not fond of this part of life getting older and missing our loved ones. I will keep your family in my prayers!
Thank you. 🫂 Getting old sucks. I appreciate your message and apologize for the late reply. It’s been a lot these last few weeks.
❤️
🫂
Beautiful Eulogy Danielle. Your mother seemed to enjoy her life, and I can see where you get a lot of your character. God bless You and your family.
I couldn't make it through without tearing up, loosing a parent is very difficult, especially when you are close. She enjoyed her final moments with you and with people she loves and there is no better way to go.
I'm so sorry Danielle! Losing your mom is one of the hardest things you will do in life. She had it rough the last few years, the Whipple procedure is not a pleasant one, and a year in the hospital. Ouch. She sounds like such a wonderful woman, and it's a shame that she's gone. But it's so nice that she left you all goodbyes to be opened after she was gone. Even in death she is thinking about you all.
I hope you're OK, if I can help in any way let me know. I lost my mom ten years ago and I still haven't fully recovered.
I’m sorry for your loss my friend. Mom would be proud of hearing what you wrote. It’s all from the heart. She knows how much you loved her, and she will always be with you.🌹🥰
Prayers for you and her.🙏
be well
You and your family are in my thoughts @dfinney.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful thing you wrote! This way she is going to be eternal! A beautiful memorial!
!hug
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @gwajnberg.
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@dfinney- I am so sorry for your loss. There are really no words to express how you feel; I know as I've been in your shoes as well. You will never ever forget her and I know she will be watching over you.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.🙏💕🌹
Dear, I am happy for you that you had the strenght listening to your inner voice and stay at your parents side those days 💖
May your mom 🙏 Rest In Peace 🙏
I'm so sorry. Losing your mama is one of the worst experiences we have to go through. I am glad you were able to be with her as she passed, though. You will never regret that!
Sending to you all the peace and love I can. 💜
My condolences @dfinney…….
Losing someone you love is always so very difficult…..
I'm so sorry this day finally had to arrive Danielle, not unexpected but I know how it still hurts. I'm sure your mum will know that you were by her side all this time and will have left peacefully knowing she was loved and will always be remembered by everyone.
Take care❤️
This is a most beautiful eulogy and I'm happy that you got to spend those final moments with your mom. And I'm glad that when she slept finally, she was surrounded by peace and love. My thoughts and prayers are with you, darling.🌹
My sincere condolences. I am sorry for your loss. The love you have for your mother not only lives in you, but also in this post.
🙏 Cheers to Mom ❤️
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