Some friendships hold their importance, even when physical distance means it has been years since you’ve been in the same room together.
You have an unspoken bond, forged by the memories you share. So that you are each forever special in the other’s life.
In 1998 I took a 39 day bus tour all across Europe. The trip changed my life and is a defining part of my identity. 25 years on and I am still super close to the people who shared this adventure with me.
One of these people was Carl from Cape Town.
Truth be told, Carl and I were more than friends on the trip. 😇 But in the years since, we both found and married our people, he had a couple of kiddos, and our friendship has remained.
In 2009 we reunited in London along with two other friends from our 1998 trip. I met Carl’s sister, her fiancé, his wife to be. We all had a fabulous night out on the town and it felt like no time had passed since our adventures on the bus 11 years earlier.
In 2013 we got together again. This time in Paris! We met at the Eiffel Tower. Me, Carl, another friend from our tour, all of our spouses, babies and Carl’s mom.
However, under all of those Parisian smiles, not all was well. In 2010, Carl suffered a series of seizures. They were the first sign of a growing cancer in Carl’s brain. At the time doctor’s told him his life expectancy might be 5-15 years.
Over the last decade, Carl had several surgeries, several courses of chemo, several rounds of radiation and more seizures. We would usually chat every few months. Sometimes my messages would find him in a good place health wise. Sometimes our chats would happen in the midst of a new course of chemo.
During covid/2020 our tour group had a zoom reunion! Some folks hadn’t seen one another in 22 years. We had people calling in from all time zones of the US and Canada, folks from Australia, New Zealand and South Africa. I think I was up at 4am to be there. It was fun, hilarious, heart warming and nostalgic. We even talked about picking somewhere in the world to all meet for a 25th reunion.
Mid April after my aunt’s brain cancer diagnosis, I reached out to Carl. I hadn’t realized until then, that we hadn’t been in touch for more than a year. Part of me was just checking in. Part of me was hoping he would have some insight on how to best support my aunt.
He never replied to my message, and it was never marked as seen. I began to worry something was wrong. I rechecked the message every few days to see if it had been read.
Carl passed away today. I saw it in my Facebook newsfeed when his friends in Cape Town started posting condolences. I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken my friend is gone. I am heartbroken for his mother to have lost her youngest child. I can’t imagine the pain his wife must be feeling. Having her person gone and having to tell their boys about their dad’s passing. It is so unfair that their boys (oldest 11 and youngest just turned 9 yesterday) have been cheated out of a lifetime with their dad.
Carl would find my grief over his passing stupid. He LOVED life. He lived for his family. He had so many friends from every stage of his life and really enjoyed them. Like me, they completely adored him.
Carl was tall, handsome and could do a spot on “blue steel”. When his hair went prematurely grey we called him the silver fox. He was a dancing maniac and would go all out in costumes for any theme party. Carl was a big fan of pink shirts and was still popping collars well into the 2000’s. We would jokingly call him “bitter Carl” on tour because he would always complain if his room was shit or because the Americans got free sleeping bags on our trip while the South Africans did not. (PS - His oldest son totally has the “bitter Carl” face when he is cranky.) Being a bit of a flirt, Carl always responded the fastest to my messages that contained some kind of dirty joke or innuendo.
He told me once that his memory was getting worse because of the tumors. I promised that I would never forget him. Even if I lived to 90 and he did not. I guess the positive thing about a prolonged illness is you have time to say all of the things.
I hope his passing was peaceful. I hope his family were all by his side. I hope he felt loved in his last days and moments.
Rest in peace my dear friend. I will never forget you. 🩷🩷
I am so sorry for your loss sis ❤️
It is hard to loose family and close friends. Seems you 2 had a special Bond and experienced much together. I know how hard it can be, I lost my best male friend Who was the one that knew me better than anyone and I was so close to.
I never got to say goodbye as he just died in his sleep one night and we found out a blood vesle? Broke and he died INSTANTLY.
However we loose them it is hard and cancer sure is a Damn desiese I wish gone from earth...
Sending lots of hugs and love your way sis and hold on to the memories ❤️
He might be gone but never forgotten..and I bet he smiles from heaven 🌹
Much love sis ❤️
I am so sorry about your friend as well. What a harsh and shocking way to lose someone. 😔 Thank you for the hugs. 🩷
I must say a condolence for Carl's departure due to his prolonged illness. Life on earth is for a time, I'm happy you and Carl enjoyed every moment you had until his illness. I have learnt so much from this sad news but the good news is that Precious sister you will see Carl again, I believe strongly we are pilgrims and strangers on the earth only here for a divine purpose. I will say Carl has finished his purpose on the earth yet Early but he will rise again at the last day. Please sorry about the lost, I encourage you not to give up, despite the UPS and down in this world there's a place above I believe Jesus said , he will go and prepare a place for us , no more sickness, no more troubles, we will all be happy forever in Eternal Life. Take good care of yourself and your precious family. God bless your precious heart.
Thank you for your kindness. 🩷
Me parece interesante todo los viajes que hiciste y todas las personas que conociste en ellos, primera vez que te leo pero leerte fue como leer un pedacito de tu alma. Es increíble como todos pudieron reunirse siempre, y el vínculo que mantuvieron y mantienen después de tanto tiempo. Lamento mucho la perdida de Carl, parecía una persona increíble y fácil de querer.
Gracias.
Era una persona increíble, y muy fácil de amar. Estoy tan agradecida de que nos mantuviéramos en contacto por todo de estos años. Lo extrañaré mucho.
Lifetime friends are a rare treasure. I am glad you had one to miss when they cashed out.
This is very true. I am lucky. 🩷
Sorry to read this, but thankful you had such good times, memories, and a friend. It had to be both sad and joyful at the same time to think back and write this.
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The joy and sadness in it are so weird. We live in complete opposite sides of the planet. So in a way it’s like he’s not really gone cause I won’t see his absence day to day. But it is heartbreaking to know there are no memories left to make.
Thank you for your kind words. 🩷
I am sorry to hear about this bad news... I know how it feels, I lost 3 brothers and dad who had cancer. You had a special bond with him and the fond memories of you together will always linger in you for the rest of your life. You lost a very special friend.
Cancer is the worst. It just ravages people from the inside out. I am so sorry for your brothers. What a huge loss for you and your whole family.
My deepest condolences dear @dfinney, for the loss of your beloved friend. I can only imagine how heartbroken you are that friend is gone. But you have all the beautiful memories with him in 1998 and the many times you saw him after. I will pray that you will be consoled by those memories.
Thank you so much friend. I appreciate all the prayers you have spared over my people these past few years. 🩷
My condolences to you on your loss. What a pillar of your life he was and it is devastating when you've lost one so dear to you. Hugs to you <3
Thank you so much for your kind words. 🩷
Its hard to know "the message will never be replied" I know thats not easy, I feel with you.
Thank you for sharing your memories ❤️
R.I.P CarlDear @dfinney its those kind of friends you dont see for ages, but meeting them again feels like the last time was yesterday.
Thank you for your kind words @beeber. 💕
The one certainty in life is death, but death certainly sucks.
@dfinney...
Hello there, dear soul. It's been a few since we've touched base as well... life does that though. Meant to be, I suppose, as sometimes we are right where we need to be... and this is one of those times. I'll be honest; though I send condolences to you and everyone, touched by Carl's passing. I see memories of love, friendship, smiles, and even... yes, "Bitter Carl Face".
We don't all react the same to this type of situation. You'd said it best:
This, to me, shows a true example of what "real friendship" is. But again... as I said, I see the display of love, kindness, and family... in this post. Here's to Carl... love and light ✨... to you @dfinney and everyone that was fortunate enough to have met him...
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@freecompliments
Thank you for this kindest comment and for your discord messages. So many friendship memories and so much love. The loss hurts equal to the greatness and joy in the time shared.
🩷🩷🩷
@dfinney...
I know dear... I grew up being raised by women. So I have a slightly "softer" side than most fellows... I have seen all the things that life can throw at us. And there is really no way to say things the "right" way. Typing or in person. But I hope you know you are being thought of...
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I accidentally overlooked this for a few days! Apologies for that, Wes - glad I looked back. And Happy belated Memorial Day as well.
You've already phrased this as well as anyone could. Stealing my job here. mate.😉
I'm so sorry to hear that, there's nothing worse than to hear a dear friend is gone. I've lost a few along the way and it never gets easier. It is amazing how you can create a strong bond with someone in a short time and it last for years. I'm sorry for that horrible loss!
Those friends you make in the crazy days of your twenties… they know you in way office friends or kid parent friends never will. People to be treasured and held onto for as long as possible. 🩷
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss @dfinney and that you had to find out in a rather brutal way.
It's amazing how the short amount of time you spent with Carl so many decades ago forged into such a special bond, especially considering the physical distance. May he rest in peace.
❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words. 🩷
I think this is the thing I love most about travel. It can bring people from all over the world, who have different professions, socio economic status, educationn levels & cultures together in a way where none of those things matter. You are all equals on an adventure learning about a new place, about yourself and about each other.
While I haven’t met most of the families of these people I traveled with 25 years ago, and we don’t share the day to day interactions… we were together all day, every day having a grand adventure. We got to know one another’s purest cores. So now whenever our travels overlap, no matter where we are in the world we all seek each other out. I really love them all so much and consider them some of my closest friends.
Condolences sweets. Good you have pictures to chronicle the memories. 🤗
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1.000 PIMP@thealliance just slapped you with , @dfinney.
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You and me… we take all the pictures! And I am so glad I do.
Thank you for the condolences. 🩷
My condolences @dfinney, Carl sounds like a wonderful person, it’s always difficult to lose a dear friend……..😌
I am over this getting old nonsense. Too much loss and sadness. He was only 43. Cancer is so terrible.
Instead of loss I just want gain and happiness.
43 is not very old, I don’t like this getting old either …….
Losing good friends is so hard !😮
Well written Dfinney. I had a smile on my face at the start, than it went away reading on but came back at the end. Nice words!
( I discovered a relative in South Africa via LinkedIn, no reply, then my 85 year odl father told me my nephew died at age 50 due to alhocol addiction. )
I am so sorry about your nephew. Also gone to young. 😪
Carl’s mom (Irene) is Dutch. She immigrated from the Netherlands to South Africa when she was 10. When we all met up in Paris in 2013 it was sort of a happy accident. Irene had come to London to visit, Carl, his wife and her grandson because they were still living in the UK at the time. So Carl (and fam) took his mom to the visit the Netherlands. Her first time back since she had left decades earlier. Then they went through Paris because his mom had always wanted to go. My trip to Paris just coincidentally overlapped in timing to theirs. Then our other friend (a Canadian living in Germany, married to an American serviceman she met in Japan) took the train to see us all. It was so fun.
Hi friend, your post is very touching. I can see that knowing Carl, first as something else, then as a friend, then his whole family, was a blessing, but how difficult the cancer issue and his recent passing.
I am so sorry to hear it. This news always hurts but in your prayers I catch a glimpse of something very beautiful: Carl had so much love always in him and around him. He has always been in company and his life seems to have been full of adventures.
The beautiful thing is that at the end of this life, we can feel that love. How nice that you are part of his story!!!
A hug!
Thank you so much for your kind words. 🩷
@dfinney damn! I don't know what else to say. I don't drink much, but I will drink one for Carl and you tonight.
Thank you @coinjoe. 🍻
😔
Yup. Life still being stupid. 😔
Saludos! Lamento mucho su muerte, sólo leí un poco de su historia a través de tu relato y me conmovió, no quiero imaginar el dolor que puedes sentir al perder a un amigo valioso y el de su familia. Un abrazo!
Gracias por sus amables palabras y por tomarse el tiempo para leer sobre mi amigo.
So sorry to hear the news about Carl. Seems like a real good person, which we need more of in this world.
Sounds like you guys spent some meaningful times together and those memories do live on (and kind of keep the person alive in a way). Big hugs 🫂
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🫂
He was great. Filled with mischief like all of my favorite friends. 🙂
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It happens more frequently as we find ourselves approaching middle age and never gets easier. It's really incredible how deep friendships like that can be immutable, despite decades passing. Cherish the memories, Carl will be there with you whenever you reminisce.
Middle age definitely has its drawbacks. It’s weird to be entering the phase of life where friends and parents are ailing and passing away. All the more reason to enjoy the people you love and to find new friends in every phase of life.
Thank you for your kind words. 🩷
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you. 😔
What a sweet tribute to your friend. It made me a little misty-eyed and I didn't even know him. It made me glad though, that you say he lived his life well, enjoying everything to the fullest.
Thanks Jacey. He was so fun. Mischievous. If only the assholes would bite it young leaving the best to live king awesome lives.
My condolences, @dfinney. It's sad to lose someone close and even more so when they had such an impact on everyone around them. There really are no words.🤗💜🤗 !LADY
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Thanks Liz.. I appreciate your support and your kindness. 🩷
🤗💜🤗🤗💜🤗 Always!
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STOPWhat a lovely memorial you've written for your friend. I don't use the word "friend" word lightly: once I saw "bitter Carl" I knew that this was a real friendship simply separated by distance. And based on your description, you've brought Carl to life here the way he would have wanted: a fun-loving, happy guy. I can only assume that he he would enjoy how you've presented him. 😊
None of this, of course, can lessen the pain. Fortunately, you have the sweet, joyful memories of your friend, and nothing can take away the great times that you had together, as those are cemented in history.
While Carl may have thought of the grieving as silly, it's only natural to feel this way for someone about whom you've cared. You still respect him by recalling the great times. If you ever need help in the way of your grieving process, that's absolutely ok, and feel free to reach out to me for the support. We rely on each other to grow - we're programmed that way! And yes, you are very much worth it. 😊
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Thanks so much for your kind words and for coming over this way at Wes’s suggestion. What a lovely account to have created. Lifting folks up in times that are difficult. I appreciate your visit here.