January 1925 - November 2023
Grandma is no longer living with me. 😪 She passed away peacefully (mostly) in our home Thanksgiving afternoon. Just a mere 51 days from her 99th birthday.
It went so fast. You may remember from my last post, that grandma only ended up at my house because her heat had been out. She had been living independently, healthily.
It’s almost like she got here and knew I had her back. She didn’t need to be independent or strong anymore. She was home with me, my dogs, my husband. We would hold her hand to help her to bed. We would make sure she had all of her meals. I was here to take her to the bank, and the doctor. I helped her close her safety deposit box. We ordered checks and paid her condo association fees. All in the days before she passed.
The decline happened fast. One day I was thinking she would go home. The next I wondered if she needed to move into assisted living. Then it looked like skilled nursing would be the only choice. And then… she was gone.
We had a chance to talk about things before she was gone. Grandma was just a little slip of a human, only 4’11”. She wasn’t feeling well about a week into her time with me. After a visit to the doctor I discovered she had lost A LOT of weight. I said to her, “grandma I am very worried about how little you are eating and drinking. I feel like your little body is starting to turn off.”
Her response, “we all turn off eventually.”
Grandma told me how she wanted to be cremated, and scattered on Lake Washington in the same spot they scattered my grandpa.
On November 20th I had a long phone call with grandma’s doctor. I had a list of 18 items. We talked about things that could be helped. We talked about the signs of a person coming to their end. We talked about getting grandma a handicap parking pass so I could park her closer to the doctor’s office, bank and grocery store. She offered to refer grandma to hospice if I thought it was time.
On November 21st, a home health nurse and social worker came over. The appointment was scheduled for 11am, but grandma almost overslept. The nurse checked grandma out. And said to her, “If you want to live to 120, we can order tests and treat these different things happening to you. But it is Ok if you don’t want to. Living to almost 99 is a huge accomplishment. You have done so well.”
Grandma decided she just wanted to be comfortable. On her behalf I signed a “DNR” (do not resuscitate). This document would let everyone know, grandma did not want CPR, feeding tubes or IV fluids. I also signed the paperwork for hospice care.
Grandma slept the rest of the day. In the evening I managed to get her out of bed just long enough to change from her robe to her nightgown. She patted my head as she laid in the lower bunk of the bunk beds in our guest room/home office. I was kneeling on the floor giving her a hug goodnight.
On Wednesday, November 22 Grandma spent the day in bed again. I sat with her, and my dachshunds got on bed to lay with her. I held her hand as she used her other to pet the dogs.
Later in the day the hospice nurse arrived. The nurse did an exam. Grandma was breathing so heavily. The nurse ordered oxygen and some drugs to help relax grandma’s breathing. Dad came by to visit while the nurse was here. (My mom is bedridden so could not come to see her mom). Grandma spoke for the first time that day in response to the nurse and my dad.
She smiled as she showed dad a note I had taped above grandma’s head on the underside of the top bunk. The note told her I loved her. That my mom loved her. That dad loved her. That my husband and doggies loved her too. Earlier in the day I had sent my husband to bring some framed photos back to our place from grandma’s. She smiled looking at those too.
After the hospice nurse left we thought grandma was going to sleep through the night. Unfortunately she did not, and a terrifying incident happened. I will not describe it here, but both my husband and I thought grandma was on the verge of passing in a really terrible way. It was traumatic and ended with us both in tears carrying grandma back to her bed. Miraculously 10 or 15 minutes after said incident (and after my frantic call asking hospice to come back), grandma opened her eyes. She smiled so big. She held both of our hands and said, “Good morning!”.
These were her last words to me.
I stayed up most of the night administering liquid meds to grandma. A fresh dose every hour. At 2:30am I went to bed for a bit. Woke up again around 6am.
That morning (Thanksgiving morning) grandma did not open her eyes or squeeze my hand. I sat with her anyway. I wished her a happy thanksgiving. I told her how much I love her. How much mom loves her. How mom wished she could be there . I told her it was OK to be done. How exciting it would be for her to see grandpa soon. To see her brother. To see her friends. I told her we would be OK.
I started to prepare Thanksgiving lunch. The smell of roasting turkey filled their house. A man arrived mid morning to set up a hospital bed in our guest room. Grandma did not stir during the activity.
Around 1:30pm the hospice nurse arrived. She checked grandma’s vital signs (all quite weak). She talked to me about the meds and what doses I had been giving. We moved grandma from the bunk bed to the hospital bed. I moved the blankets over and we got grandma into what appeared a cozy position. The nurse had some items to throw away, so I walked her to my kitchen garbage bin. The timer went off indicating the turkey was done. We were in the kitchen maybe 2 minutes.
When we got back to the bedroom grandma was gone… 😪
The 3.5 weeks leading up to grandma’s passing were a lot of things. Stressful, overwhelming, intimate, beautiful… I didn’t think I had the strength to see it though to the end. I am so happy I did. I am so happy she was “home” surrounded by people who loved her. I am so happy she didn’t have to go to the hospital. I am so thankful for the time we had together in her final weeks. I am so happy I could give her a good ending. Dying at “home”, after living nearly 99 incredibly healthy and independent years, with the smell of thanksgiving dinner filling the house seems like a best case scenario. I would do it all over again to give her that.
Obituary
Mrs. D.M.S. , aged 98, passed away peacefully in her granddaughter’s home on November 23, 2023 (Thanksgiving).
D. was born in Monroe, Washington and lived in the Seattle area all her life. She met her late husband, H.S. while they both attended Franklin High School. During WWII, D. worked as a telephone operator while her husband served in Italy. After the war, D. gave birth to their only child raising her in north Seattle. She later worked as a bookkeeper for the family’s business, S. Automotive.
D. led a long, healthy and remarkably independent life having only come to reside with her granddaughter in the three weeks prior to her passing. Over her lifetime she enjoyed playing bridge, watching golf, fine dining, the companionship of the family’s poodle Pepper, yachting, vacations throughout the western US (including Hawaii and Alaska), snowmobiling adventures with her husband, socializing with dear friends, and her daily breakfasts at Shari’s restaurant (pre covid pandemic). She also volunteered for many years as a member of the Broadview Guild for Seattle Children’s (Children’s Orthopedic) Hospital.
D. was preceded in death by her beloved husband, H.S., her mother M.P., her father E.K. , her stepfather H.W., and her brother B.W.
Left to cherish her memory are her daughter and son-in-law P.F. and E.F, granddaughter and her husband dfinney and P.L., and the last of her surviving life long friends Mr. G.P.
A ceremony will be held privately to scatter D.’s ashes in Lake Washington at a later date. In lieu of floral offerings, the family kindly requests contributions in D’s memory to be directed to Seattle Children's Hospital.
Special thanks to the nurses and social workers from Kaiser Permanente’s hospice team who supported D. and her granddaughter through the final days. Thanks also to the compassionate professionals at B Funeral Home who are entrusted with the arrangements for D’s final journey.
Wife, mother, grandmother, and friend D. will forever be remembered and loved.
Ohh my love. I'm so incredibly sad to hear about your Grandmother's passing.
As devastating as it is, without a doubt, she was at the perfect place filled with so much love and care - I would be happy to pass that way.
I'm also glad you werent all alone when this happened.
Sending you and yours so much love x
Thank you so much for your lovely message. I was having all kinds of feels today realizing her birthday is just a couple weeks away. In September I would have thought for sure she would still be around to celebrate 99.
I cannot imagine a more loving, compassionate, and selfless gesture than a grandchild taking care of one's grandparent during his/her last months of life in the manner you and your husband did!
The images and stories about your sweet grandmother's life touched my heart and brought bittersweet tears to my eyes. Almost 99 years old, she lived life to the fullest!
Rest in eternal peace, Grandma "D.M.S." Dfinney, as you rejoin your heavenly family who preceded you.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my grandma and to feel appreciation for her life. 🩷
This is beautiful.
yes, you, and she, did very well. I'm happy that you had this time with her, and that her death was so peaceful for you all.
Thank you. It’s still really hard to wrap my head around the last month, but I am forever grateful for the time I has with her.
Peace be with her. I'm sorry for your loss D. And I'm so happy she had a very good long time with this life.
❤️
Sending love!
Thank you 🩷
What a wonderful memorial you wrote.!LUV
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My condolences. I'm sorry to hear the news, but it's good that you could be with her in the end.
I feel a hundred different things about the last month of grandma’s life, but am definitely comforted by the time we shared.
...𝔻𝕀𝕊ℂ𝕆𝕍𝔼ℝ𝕐 𝟚𝟘...
...!discovery 20...
So very true
@dfinney...
My dear friend... You know this is not the news I was hoping to hear. After reading your last post... I knew things were on a delicate balance... There are no words I can type that will change things. Please know I send you and your family love, condolences, healing energy, and comfort...
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Wes, thank you so much for your compassion and empathy. 💕 You have the kindest soul.
That was a quality life Dfinn, nothing to be upset about. I’d take a healthy life through 98 any day. You were there and she wasn’t alone. While it’s sad to see her gone, she knew it was time. All the best to you Dfinn……🥰🤗
❤️❤️
So sorry for your loss @dfinney. I'd echo the sentiments of Fat E and silverd and add that I feel like you did all the right things in such a difficult situation. I'm glad to hear you feel the same 💐❤️
Thank you for your encouragement and listening to me panic along the way. ❤️
My sincere condolences.
What a wonderful ending... as endings go. I'm so glad for you... and her.... that you were able to have her with you.
Loved seeing all the great photos of her over time. This is a very sweet tribute to her.
{{{ hugs }}}
Thank you. I feel like she decided my house and this time was going to be her spot. She wasn’t feeling the best at the end, but she basically went to sleep and that was it. Everyone’s goal ending, so I am happy she got that and so happy I had the time with her. It made me feel closer to her than I had ever felt before.
Beautiful memorial, @dfinney .
May your sweet grandmother Rest In Peace.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thanks so much Saver. 🩷
I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm glad she passed in the most peaceful way possible, surrounded by people she loved and who loved her back. I hope the hurt fades and your heart heals, but I hope most of all that you have no regrets. I'm sure those last three weeks were some of the best weeks she had, because of everything you did.
Thank you.
Yeah… I am definitely sad about her passing but thankful that she got to go out in an ideal way. It’s just a lot to wrap my head around for some reason. ❤️
Of course. I hear you. It's never easy, especially when you spent so much time with her right there in your home, and then everything changes suddenly. ☹️
How beautiful - almost 99 - I shared on Facebook:
On Thanksgiving day - with the aroma of turkey - surrounded by family.
(Your mom wasn't there - sorry for that)
This is a keeper of a post. I love it. Thanks to @owasco for reblogging it, or I might never have seen it.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my dear grandma. 🩷
What a beautiful memoir about your grandmother's life. Living 99 years isn't for everyone, it's a gift from God. My condolences to all the family!
Thank you. ❤️
What a special time to have with your grandma! I am so glad she could be with you. It's sad when they go, but she had a very peaceful time, overall. 99 is a good age.
99 is an amazing age that most of us will never see personally. I am glad she almost got there and was pretty health for most of those years.
My condolences @dfinney….❤️
98 years old that’s a wonderful full life !🥰
Thank you. Hoping the afterlife is a real thing. She has been missing my grandpa for 20 years. I hope they are back together now. She would be overjoyed.
I believe they’re happy together!🥰
20 years is a long time to be apart!😍
May she Rest in Peace, @dfinney, she did get to spend quality time with her grand daughter and at least it was still relatively quick and now she's with her other loved ones. My condolences to the Little Ones left behind as it does leave a little hole there.
Thank you @jamerussell. It is a blessing she went quick. Well not the speed so much, but how lucky was she (and me) that she was so alert and in control of all her faculties until the very end. Everyone wants to just pass in their sleep. And that is exactly how it happened for her. I appreciate your thoughtful message. 🩷
I still remember the day when my grandfather died. I was looking in his eyes and I asked; aren't these drips hurting you? He said ; no.
It was painful. The shine in his eyes and tears in my eyes. It was painful.
It is a weird/sad thing to watch the life leave a person we love. That is for sure.
I’m so sorry for your loss,accept my condolences.
Thank you so much. ❤️
Sorry for you loss as I had one of my own as well last month. My uncle passed away last week.
My condolences on your uncle. Losing the people we love is so hard. 🥺
I'm sorry, just came across this post and I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma's passing.
Living to nearly 99 years is no small feat, and in Chinese culture a 99 year old death is considered a happy death. I'm sure your grandma would have been very happy in her last few days, surrounded by her closest love ones.
Thank you Pauline. 🩷
My sincere condolences, @dfinney. Death is never easy for anyone to be around for, but like you, I had an experience with Mike's mom. Different circumstances, but similar in other ways. I would not trade that experience for anything. During that time, I saw how much she really loved me.
I can tell from your post, the love and respect you have for a great lady in your life. Cherish the memories; you will never forget her.❤️
I feel like you understand the situation more than most people. We’ve all had people we love pass away, but the intimacy and privilege and mental/emotional/physical challenge of being the caregiver as it all happens vs visiting someone as they pass in a hospital… it’s a whole different almost indescribable thing. So hard as it was unfolding, but I am so grateful for it all now. 💕
Cherish it as strange as that sounds. Recall what was revealed to you during this time. It is a precious memory. Take care @dfinney and know that you have many here on the chain who support you!🤗💜
My sincere condolences to you your husband and parents. What a three weeks it has been I cannot even imagine. But a granddaughter giving her all and being there for her is the best sign of love. She will be missed but she is with your granddad and you made memories. That’s what matters and yes it’s hard and tough but strangers taking care of her in a facility is worse than tough. I take my hat off again and wish you and your family strength. The two blogs moved me and gave me tears. You did well.
Love from Holland
@brittandjosie thank you so much for your kind message. It means a lot to me that people have felt care for my grandma and me during this time. 🩷
My deepest condolences @dfinney you did the best you could under the circumstances and made the best of what time she had left together. Passing away at home with my family close by was Deb's preferred endgame but her condition became to complex and care too great to be at home especially as my own health became compromised with a neurological issue. Wow, 99 years and she was blessed to have a fine granddaughter.
I hope you don’t regret Deb’s final days. I think there is this glorification if dying at home that doesn’t understand what an emotional, mental and physical toll that takes on the caregiver nor does it fully take into account what is best for the patient. The night before grandma died I was ready to take her off hospice, call 911 and send her to the hospital. Because I didn’t think I could handle what was happening in a way that would be least traumatic for grandma. There is a lot of weight that comes with making these choices for another person. And I think however it plays out we are all doing our best. 💕
I wish I could choose an ending like that for me. It's the first time I've read you (thank you infinitely my sweet soul @wesphilbin for giving me this clue) and I'm crying for grandma. He left after a full life and with a quiet death. You couldn't give her more love, you did well and she will continue with you.
A big hug. ♥️
Thank you for shedding a tear for my grandma. 🩷
Grandmothers should be eternal. We make such a special bond with them... we honour them by keeping them alive in our memory.
I hope you are a little better now, taking care of your mum and yourself. ♥️ !LUV
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Oh my lovely... I'm sitting here at 4 am, bawling.
this is so beautiful....such a gift!!!! you gave her the best end to her life here and ushered into eternity with love and compassion and respect!!!
I smiled at all the pictures!!! Isn't it amazing to look at these snapshots of a life lived??? I mean...look at her in that bathing suit!!! hehehe just a beauty splashing in the water, modeling for whoever took the pic (probably her hubs!! hehe) and then the pics.of you as a child with her!!!
God had the perfect timing set up for her to come to you.... honestly...what a gift!
for both of you!!! all of you!
You did so well. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I'm proud of you my friend.. you saw it through to the end and beyond and she was so honored by her family!
sending you so much love right now. wish I could just hug you ... well... close your eyes, here it comes! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Hiiiii friend. Thank you for your message and the joy that is infused in everything you write. I love the photos. I found a lot in her place as I was going through things. She looked like her younger years were filled with fun a mischief.
Yeah, I definitely feel like God or destiny or something aligned all the stars for her to come to me for her last few weeks. I think it made me feel closer to her than I ever had before. I am so grateful for it and so grateful she had a gentle passing. 🩷
I just smiled when I got your reply.. yes...God definitely brought those threads together 🤗
love you dearly...have a merry Christmas if I don't talk to you before ❤️❤️❤️
Condolences @dfinney
Take comfort in the fact that she passed away in a home of love and with her family. If you're going to go then that's the way to do it.
Thanks bugged. Definitely a good way to go. That part feels alright. 🫂
Dear, a wonderful memorial to your grandma. It's fantastic, that you could be at her side the last time and that she could pass away in peace, knowing her loving family is well and caring for her.
May she Rest in Peace
Thank you. ❤️
Your grandmother sounds like she was an amazing woman and she seemed to have raised some really good kids, the love and family bond is so clear. I'm happy for you that you could take care of her last weeks, but I'm sad for you that there was a traumatic experience involved that night. I hope you were able to (partially) process that by now.
I always think it helps when the people they love tell them it's ok to go now, because it often seems they are not ready to let go because of the fear that those left behind aren't ready. This is one of many stories where I read (it also happened with my grandmother btw) that once the closest to them tell the dying person "it's ok to go", they are ready to leave.
I know it's not been too long since this happened, I'm now heading to your latest post and maybe find out how you're doing .. it's a lot, and it's ok not to be ok if that's the case..
Much love..
I am mostly doing Ok post grandma. I think it is just hard because the grandma stuff and the mom stuff are so intertwined. Just 2 days after grandma died mom was back in the hospital. And a couple weeks before grandma passed I had wanted to take her to visit mom, but it didn’t end up working out so I felt some guilt and sadness over that. I hated that my mom couldn’t properly say goodbye to her mom. And I know how sad grandma would be if she had lived to see mom’s cancer come back.
And then you add my aunt (who is also my godmother) I feel like I am losing the last of the women who made me all at once. And not having my own kiddos sort of adds this finality to the whole thing. I will be the last person in that line of my family and while that has been the case for years, it feels heavier now that grandma is gone and mom is on her way out.
I am sorry for your lost.
Thank you @tazi ❤️
We all turn off eventually...I know it was and will continue to be a tough experience, but at least she got to spend some of her last moment surrounded with love ❤️
Thanks @bitcoinman. 🩷
I am still pretty f’d up over the whole thing.
Definitely thankful for the ease of her passing. Thankful she was here. Thankful for the time we had together leading up to it.
F’d up thinking about the speed it all went down. F’d up that I was worrying about how long she might be staying with us (before it was apparent she was passing) instead of treasuring the time. F’d up thinking about Xmas and how my family has been dwindling away the past few years. Missing the holiday celebrations of years passed that kind of thing. Just a lot of feelings over a 100 different things all at once. 😔
I can only imagine, if you ever need to talk or anything I'm here and I'm sure lots of other members feel the same and would be there for you in a heartbeat ❤️
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Thank you. 🩷
It so sad sorry for the lose
Thank you. ❤️
You welcome
I am so very sorry for your loss. The obituary is simply beautiful, and so well-written. She sounds like quite a remarkable lady! And she had to be amazing, to have such a fabulous granddaughter as you, as one of her descendants. You can definitely cherish that last bit of time you had with her, helping to ease her into the next realm. Blessings to you and your family — I wish you strength and peace. 💜
Thanks so much @thekittygirl. It has been a weird emotionally complex month. 🩷
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