As I tromped through the rain-soaked grass this morning to feed the ducks, a presence was lacking. I felt it to my core yet something bigger was emanating. Peace. Contentment. Joy.
Today is the first day in twenty years that my horses weren't there when I went out to feed.
Yesterday, was quite a day for me. I had to go parent-level 1000, a thing that many parents do every single day yes, but this day involved going above and beyond in the to do department. The thing is, this past twenty-four hours was also a conjunction of so many life-changing events, and it's why I find myself musing about my state on this fine Sunday morning.
To start with, I absolutely am mad about horses. As a kid I would always be drawn to them and they were drawn to me. That said, there are seasons in life when it's important to acknowledge that you need to let go of some things. Goodbye doesn't have to mean forever it could be for right now.
But boy is it a bit hard.
Our horses went to two amazing homes yesterday where they will be pampered and enjoy the full, rich life that they deserve. Here they were spoiled and cared for, but due to the season we are in, they were standing around and didn't get to live. I've known for awhile now what I should do, I've just been fighting it, and you all know how that goes.
As I hurtled north to Sandpoint Highschool in a car full of teenage boys yesterday, my thoughts went to my ponies who were going to be going to their new homes. The people who were sent to me were splendid souls, I am so grateful for that, but like with any huge decision that can cause an impact, you wonder, Am I doing the right thing?
In this case, yes, yes, I am.
You see, on our farm animals are like family, they usually stay for their whole lives. My first mare, a creature I had my entire adult life, lived with us until she had to be sent on her way over the Rainbow Bridge under the gifted, caring hands of our amazing veterinarian.
Yet, even thought I feel a bit discomforted on some levels, like a sense of loss and I'll miss you type things, I feel such joy that my equine friends are getting to go on a new adventure and will not be missing out on living.
Ugh. Being a grownup is hard sometimes.
Part of the reason why I am sharing this, this morning is I believe that part of the reason people read and enjoy blog posts is that it's a snapshot of the individual writing them. And like all snapshots, they show bits of the composition of that person. Even though I keep things pretty light on my blog, as I love fun, joy, and mirth, sometimes I feel like it's important to show other facets of me too. I am most definitely a flawed, very human person like everyone else.
And that person is currently a bit worn down. Yesterday, I left the house early, drove an hour north and was at a basketball tournament from breakfast til dinner time. I had a blast watching the boys tear up the court. I also got to spend a glorious bit of time with my parents, including having a super yummy lunch at a local burger joint.
During one of the pauses in play, I went out and strolled along the high school's track. I had the whole thing to myself and marveled at all the beautiful lilacs and clematis flowers that were in bloom along the track's northside fence. It reminded me that even barriers in this life are capable of being painted with beauty.
Then, after the boys were done with their day's play, I drove them home and picked up my daughter. She had to board a charter bus in CDA at 10:30PM(about an hour from my house in the other direction) with a destination of our state's capitol.
My girl is among a small group of girls selected from around the state to go to The American Legion Auxiliary's Girls State. It's a week long event in Boise that introduces the kids to how our government works. They even get to draft and vote on legislation, among other things.
I'm so dang proud of both of my kids for the effort that they put out in the areas they have chosen to excel in. And that's just it, they chose what they want to focus on, my part in this is to facilitate and eventually set them free to go crush it.
But oof, all this parenting and life change is a bit wearing.
Not that I am complaining mind you, I know how privileged I am. It's just that even though we are constantly surrounded by negative news, I find that I am often so stoked as I look around the realm I inhabit and see the good that is happening.
Just two generations ago my kid's grandpa, a Native Hawaiian man who was being beat at school for speaking his native tongue and beat at home for speaking English, lived a much harder life. He worked hard and served his country anyway. I feel like what I am doing is the least I can do, to support the next generation in a way that heals past wrongs and provides a solid framework for generations to come.
As I sat in an absolute deluge of a thunderstorm with my daughter waiting for the charter bus to come, I smiled at her through the haze of my exhaustion. Just getting up and doing one more thing is worth it, especially if one's motive is serving other's through being their whole, authentic self.
So what does that have to do with me being all wistful about my horses moving on to their next chapter? Well, I am finally getting ready to move on to doing something that I have been avoiding for four decades, being me.
Everything that I have went through up until this point has prepared me for what I am about to do, I'm not just heading into another chapter of my life, I'm going to write the climax to the dang book.
And that's why I am sitting here rambling a bit about horses, basketball, and youth government conferences as I sit here exhausted on a spectacularly sublime Sunday. It's beyond glorious because I am both excited and a bit full of daring trepidation as I get ready to embark on the next phase of my life, one where I am going to be truly and authentically me.
🤗 It's hard to part with horses...
Thanks Nik😊
Wow. Wow. Wow
You are amazing and strong.
You are amazing and strong.
You are amazing and strong.
Just as I was starting to worry about you because of your lack of activity on Hive you come up with the blessed, to the soul, wrenching, but joy filled post.
Book? I will be the first in line to buy it.
I have said it before and I will say it again, your Hubs is one lucky man.
You blow my mind with your strength evey time your write posts like this.
Hugs.
!BBH
!ALIVE
!CTP
Holy thank you my friend, the hugs and words of awesomeness made my whole morning😊
And no worries, I am not going anywhere, just been getting it handed to me here lately lol!
Your positive demeanor has been such a boost to my overall vibe over the past couple months, one of my favorite blessings from finding and joining Listnerds has been getting to hang with Mr. Positive, you bring the joy every single day!
And I will send you a copy when said book is published. I'm working on a plan to make that a reality, and since I have already written the first draft it's all a matter of getting clarity on what I need to do next. Yay!
Also, thank you again, seriously, for all that strength reiteration. Haven't been feeling really strong lately, especially since I had to ask for help, but I do love to learn and maybe that is my superpower lol.
Seriously, you are the best Bradley!!
!CTP
!PIZZA
All I can say to this reply is:
😀😃
@generikat! You Are Alive so I just staked 0.1 $ALIVE to your account on behalf of @bradleyarrow. (9/30)
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Because this is such an awesome post, here is a BBH Tip for you.
. Keep up the fantastic work
It is hard to let the horses go. For me, it happened when I was getting too sick to care for them. I'd had horses since I was 8 years old. But I could not do the work, so that was the end. And I moved on.
Now I garden as plants are a lot more forgiving of lack of care, even for extended periods...
You know, as I read your reply I kept thinking about the seasons of life ebbing and flowing. I miss the horses in a way but I am also excited to move on to the next phase. Letting go is super important and I am so glad I have such a good example to learn from😊.
And hooray for gardens! I love that I can put them to bed for the winter lol!
!PIZZA
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I enjoyed reading your post.
Sometimes it's not easy to make big changes even when we know they are the right thing. It is also good if like you, we are able to look around us and see all the wonderful things that are still here and know how to be grateful for them.
I wish for you great success on your next chapter.
Thank you so much for that! It was easy to write, but I always hesitate a bit to share deeply personal stuff, which is silly of me I know, because what if someone needs to see it.
Gratitude definitely is the balm that soothes a soul going through change, especially a hard one. I really appreciated you reminding me of that, and I hope that your life's story is progressing splendidly, especially this morning😊
!PIZZA
Adulting is definitely hard sometimes but every time I think about it, I know I'd never go backwards - only forwards. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life.
Oh! That was my favorite sentence of the morning! You are so right though, I never want to go backwards! Thank you so much for the awesome sentiment and reminder to keep moving forward😊
!CTP
!PIZZA
From the initial content, I didn't see that twist coming. All I can say is well done and go for it! Being your authentic self is the best way to live your life. Enjoy the next part of your journey 😊
!CTP
Aww, thanks @therneau! I'm definitely going to give it my best shot, and hope you and the fam are having a glorious day!
!CTP
I'm sorry to hear that you lost some of your equine friends @generikat
It is always sad to see animal companions move on, but as you said they're off somewhere where they'll get to gallop around much more I guess, as horses should.
At least you found time to get out and smell the flowers 🙂 🌿
I got out for a walk away from the city the other day and flew a kite for the first time since I was a kid. Lol, it is strange but I'd forgotten how meditative it is to fly a kite 😂 Anyway, I'm rambling on.
Best wishes and I'm sure you'll get used to the changes. My gran used to always say, "there is only one constant in life, change."
Your gran sounds like a super wise gal! My grandma would often yell, "I'll bust your @$$ you little SOB"😁
I so, so love that you went and flew a kite! That's such a whimsical, awesome thing to do! I have been longing to wander over to the coast and fly one just because. And please always ramble, I love it! (And am prone to it as well lol!)
Knowing that my pony pals are living their best life is balm for my soul, I have been ready for it to happen for a while, so a bit more flower smelling and I should be right as rain er rein, er..
Hope you are having a lovely evening!
Even I rarely have days as busy as yours! Even though I walk 20,000 steps a day often. I need to think about it.... 😜
!ALIVE
Came from Listnerds.
@generikat! You Are Alive so I just staked 0.1 $ALIVE to your account on behalf of @stdd. (4/10)
The tip has been paid for by the We Are Alive Tribe through the earnings on @alive.chat, feel free to swing by our daily chat any time you want.
20K! Dang that's some steppin!
You get !PIZZA for that lol! and !CTP Thanks for stopping by😊
I owe you one, mate!
Holy Macaroni, woman! That is so awesome and decidedly unselfish of you. I am well aware of your pony love and I know how torn you must have been, but, you did the right thing for the right reasons. There is only so much of you to go around and the kids already grabbed dibs on you.
You did the right thing and the people are still wondering how they got so lucky. I know growing up is hard to do.
Le sigh.
I'm just going to let you do the adulting around her. I am all worn out from it. Oh!! How is daddy? OMG! I miss his stories! I have been waiting for so long to ask about him, then so much time passed, I was afraid to ask about him! He is teaching you bad eating... OMG, it looks so delicious, throw me a scrap! Look at how big and juicy that burger is!
You sound wonderful and may your next chapter be your best chapter. ❤️
Aww, my dear friend, I have missed you. Your comments are always like a hug! You also know me so well after all these years. It's time to have clarity and focus, and to not be divided into so many Kat-facets.
But honestly, reading those fine sentiments from you regarding my decision was so, so reaffirming. Thank you.
Dad is doing well, about as well as one who had a massive stroke can be doing. We took him out for a burger this weekend and he was yelling out the window to people with dogs, "That's a nice dog ya got there" like a crazy old man. It was AWESOME! The look on my mom's face was priceless!
We are having a hot dog roast this weekend at his place for Father's Day, I am sure a story will manifest😊
And that burger was so dang good! I don't eat them often, but that one had APRICOT JAM on it with tons of jalapenos and caramelized onions, it was so worth the splurge!
I hope your story is meandering along most pleasantly as well dear lady!
!PIZZA
@generikat Apricot jam? Oh, mama! I just had a delicious chicken recipe and the secret ingredient that made it go wow! was the apricot jam! No lie! I sooooo want a burger right now and yes, it sounds worth the splurge! Caramelized onions have sugar in them, so you know we both stay away from them, but, once in a while. OH SO GOOD! Anything with jalapenos! Thems the rules!
A hot dog roast! Yay! What a great Father's Day! I can just see him now, hanging out that window and yelling out those words! What a funny guy. (Haha! Crazy old man!) Still! Your mother's reaction too. How is she doing with it all?
I am so happy for you that you are solid with your decision and you sound so positively happy. I am loving it. You always sound happy, but, I feel like you will be happier in the long run. I hate that we have to be grown-ups some days.
Can someone else make dinner for me?
Love you, KitKat!❤️
That chicken dish sounds divine! I so paid for my little (BIG) indulgence by feeling a bit (meh) in the gut department, but it was worth it and now I am making up for it by treating my carcass kindly lol!
Mom's hanging in there too, it's a lot for here as she also helps runs an aerospace company, but she's a tough cookie. I mean, Dad was a handful before the stroke...
Being a grownup is super tough, especially on some days, you are so right, but there's happiness in those adult hills if I can just start up the one I'm supposed to and not get caught up in the distraction brambles. The more courageous I am them, the more joy flows.
Or something like that😉
And I hope someone did make you dinner, I totally would! love ya right back DS😊
Change is inevitable. It is often difficult but it sounds like yours is for the better, in the long run.
I so, so agree with you on everything you said! Like one thousand percent agree lol!
!CTP
!PIZZA
All I see here is positivity! I love your outlook on life -seeing the good side of things. Now that your horses are in new homes, you don't get them back ever again?
Amazing pictures! I hope the next phase of life bring you much joy and contentment. !CTP !LADY 🙂
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Yep, they are gone to their forever homes, and that's okay because like you said, I am focusing on the positive of it all! Thank you so much for all the kind words, I really do appreciate the sentiment a lot, there have been a few rough moments in there😊
!PIZZA
!CTP
Well done to you for being so strong. ! Lovely photos too 😊
Thank you so much @mypathtofire, you are seriously awesome btw!😊
!CTP
!PIZZA
You are too kind. I think you are the one who is awesome and making some great and original posts. It is a great inspiration. 😊 !CTP !PIZZA
I am sorry you had to give up your horse. I had to do the same thing when I first got sick. I know how bad it can make you feel but you know they went to good homes. Thanks for sharing.
I'm sorry you had to go through this too @rcaine. Thanks so much for the kind words and for stopping by!
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It sure can be hard to part with animals that have been part of the family for such a long time. But, as you said, they are in good hands and you have other things to do right now.