For the first time in my life, I think yesterday was the day I not only said I've had enough, but I also showed it...that was probably the closest that I've been to being rebellious.
Yesterday, I got a call from my aunt, she's been calling for days now and I've refused to pick up the call because she had earlier sent me a text, asking me to come over to her place because it's been a while I visited.
Now if you're not a stranger here, then you'd know I'm not the kinda guy who really likes to leave his home, especially when it's to go see an aunt that I'm not really close to or have any personal relationship with. And yes, I know that visiting her more often would help with the personal relationship problem and also, wanting to be on my own all the time and not visiting my aunt who lives not that far away isn't exactly a good thing, but one of the main reason I don't like to go there is because when I do, there's always this awkward silence because we both have nothing to say to each other.
So the way I see it, why go over to her place and just sit in silence, making me feel uncomfortable, when I could comfortably be over at mine and minding my business.
Anyways, at the early hours of yesterday, I had woken up to a text from someone that immediately ruined my mood, and just before I could keep the phone down and go about my day, her call came in. And due to how I was feeling already, I said enough was enough and that I was done avoiding her calls, so I had picked up the call and straight up told her that I wasn't coming over to her place.
That was the first time I was giving her a direct reply that wasn't exactly in her favour, so it felt strange and for a minute I think I felt scared too.
Luckily for me, I still was respectful while telling her how it wasn't exactly a good time for me to come over to her place at the moment due to the fact that I was going through some personal stuff and I needed to be on my own.
Surprisingly, we ended up talking about some of the things I was going through and she had helped in her own way (giving me some advice and connecting me with the right people that could help with some of my problems), while also promising to get back to me to help even more.. I found myself going from being angry that she called, to being grateful she did.
It made me realize how important family can be, especially both in times of need and in time of celebrations. That whole encounter almost made me change my mind about not wanting to visit her, but then again I hate feeling uncomfortable so I just have to look for a way to make my visits to her place more comfortable and then we're good to go.
I understand how you feel. I myself am reluctant to go and visit different family members with whom I am not so much acquainted. But in my religion I've been told that we shouldn't be breaking off these familiar bonds, and at the same time if we keep ignoring each other when will things get better? We all have to start at some point.
I do agree with you.. And trust me when I say I know what I'm doing isn't right, I'm just not willing to push myself to make that right step yet.. It might be laziness or something else I don't know yet.
First, just think about why you are not comfortable there, why you don't have any topics to share with each other. It's your aunt, and avoiding again and again means one kind of humiliation. I feel you need to come out from the boundary you set for yourself; otherwise, for the same nature, you may also suffer. It's just my opinion. You can ignore it if you feel it's not ok with you.
I know all of these things, and trust me when I say that I agree with you.. It's either I'm possessed or just stubborn because the way I see, I'm even the one who will benefit the most when I do build a relationship with her.. So I just don't understand what's holding me back.