Growing up, there was one thing I didn’t have. A close relationship with my mum or dad. Both are disciplinarian that live strictly based on regulations and rules that actually would want to be flouted by the kids.
I was not a special one, but I hated the fact that I had to run inside at the sound of my dad’s motorcycle. And my mum? It’s whatever my dad said. Do I blame them? No. that’s because at the time we were growing up, life was just gravitating towards being as civilized as it is now, so, their protective mentality was activated 24/7. However, they have a daughter that hated to live by the rules without conviction which was me.
“Dad said we shouldn’t do this”, but “why?”, I would ask. Honestly, to me, it didn’t make much logical sense to do something because I was told to, which made me rebellious.
I would receive strokes of cane, but that doesn’t mean I would do that thing or wouldn’t repeat the offence that earned me the strokes to start with. I was stubborn, so, close relationship with mum or dad was never in the picture to start with.
I remember my dad saying, “do not wear trousers outside” without any logical reason, I rebelled without a word. I didn’t say a thing. I just dressed up in trousers, went out and returned home when I was certain my dad would be at home to see my complete outfit. I wanted to see him mad and maybe punish me for something I would do again if I do not have a logical reason to stop.
Just because I wanted to live a free life far from my parent’s scolds, strokes, and constant intrusion into my life, I rebelled against the high school I was supposed to attend for a boarding school where I had the full experience of life, and I chose the one that resonated with me the most.
Grown now, I realized that the reason I was a rebel was because the only method my parents knew to raise kids was by scolding, and commanding, not talk. I most likely would’ve turned out bad exploring the things my parents restricted for me, but life found a way to teach me, so I activated the “mum” in me to raise my kid brothers and cousins the way I was never raised.
I gave them friendship, loyalty, availability, presence, and listening ears and in return, I got responsible brothers who are not scared to explore life and come running back to me when they are stuck.
There was a time my dad wanted one of my brothers to do something and he had to consult me first because he believes I know what my brothers want, or like which is totally true.
I know every little detail about all of them except I am not curious. Little things like the girls that have asked them out, boys that have approached them to join their geng, and people that threatened them. I know all of those, and that’s why all of them call me their “small mum”. So, yeap. I am a mum of five grown up boys.
I scolded one of them, a 21-year-old tonight, and he was shocked. He said, “this is the very first time you scolded me”, and I confirmed that to be true. I have most times been logical with them, and even the scolding had some logical reasoning in it.
Parenting should be a balance of scolding, emotional intelligence, and logical reasoning. Being too strict and overly intrusive as a parent will only send the children far away from you into the hands of those waiting to perch on their naivety and their quest for relevance. So, the best we can do as parents is to make sure we provide that safe space for them where they’ll have a balance of life.
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