To the girl who keeps me alive.
I never thought I would find myself on the floor, at the bottom of the bookshelf, with my feet curled up against my chest and burning tears in my eyes. I never thought I would find myself writing to you, ever again. I always imagined that you knew everything I had on my mind. You knew what I thought of you, what I would've told you if I ever got the chance. But I see how you move through everyday life with a warm smile around your mouth until you see yourself in the mirror and start to cry. I can no longer bear this uncertainty. I can't pretend I don't see it tearing you apart. I can't continue without apologizing. So this is for you. To the girl who keeps me alive.
There is something about the way you move through everyday life that makes every muscle in my body stiffen. The way you fly so easily over the warm grass colored by the sun, and the way your hands stretch in the air as if you've never felt anything painful before. There's something about this self-confidence, this false self-confidence, that makes it go called
down my spine. Which makes every thought I've ever carried seem cruel.
You smile and life goes on. You feel the joy that finally spreads over your face and leaves warm, safe kisses. You feel the lack of grief. You feel the glimmer of hope sparkling in your chest. The hope that you will be alright. This time you will be alright. You will make it, you will survive, you will balance over this bridge that carries all the colors of the rainbow, and you will no longer drown yourself in bad thoughts. You hold o to this hope, this little hope that it will be alright.
I'm sorry I kill this hope every time you stand in front of the mirror. I see how your facial expression slides from a deep warm smile, to a terrified look. I hate that I make you feel that way. I hate that I taught you to believe that your body is ugly because it looks the way it does. I'm sorry I won't let you believe the words you tell yourself when you put your hands
around your body and tell it that it's beautiful just the way it is. I hate that I steal all the value, all the hope, and all the confidence you carry -just by a little glance in the mirror.
I know that at times you can feel fresh and healthy. I know you move your body around as if you are carrying it just the way it is meant to be carried. I've noticed that the smile you carry around your lips is sometimes actually real. I know that at times you can feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. Yes, even beautiful. I hate that I steal this feeling from you every time our eyes meet the reflection in the mirror.
I'm sorry for all the pain I'm leaving you when all you've ever done is try to keep me alive. When all you've ever done is carry me through life and take care of me the times I've needed you the most. most of all, I'm sorry I can't find the strength to change this mindset I carry. I want you to be happy. I want you to move through life and love yourself for who you
are. But when you stand in front of the mirror, I can t help but hate what I see.
Sorry for constantly begging you for change. Sorry I'll never be able to change for you. I see how tired you got, of my comments, of the walks I suddenly force you to go on, the ice water I force you to swallow, the gum I force you to chew. Sorry, I make you feel so worthless and unlovable. I wish there was something I could have done differently, to satisfy both of us. But I'm afraid I won't be able to change this habit I carry so deeply in my heart.
I know I tear you down every single day, nonetheless you choose to stand by my side, day and night. You choose to pump blood to my heart and keep me alive another day. another night. The strength you carry is noticed, and believe it or not, I am so proud that you're trying. The strength you carry to get up and out another day, even after a night of suffocating thoughts, says more about you than it will ever say about me.
I know there is not much I can say to soften up in this nightmare I've put you through. But know that I am sorry. I'm truly sorry. You deserve better. You deserve more than I will ever be able to give. Thank you for using all your strength to keep me alive a little longer. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more than these words.
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