Charles McGarnicle here. I was called back from Caracus where I was undercover investigating the multi million dollar Hive merch operation that is going on here in Latin America but I was hastily pulled out to investigate a new story. There was controversary this week when the top 20 witnesses were called out by a non top 20 witness for not doing enough witnessy stuff on Hive. They added that they did more and that they should be top 20 instead. Now the hilarious part was that the witness doing the calling out had problems with his block validation and they weren't doing the main most important witnessy stuff of all and the result of that bombshell was all a very funny fallout indeed. Which brings me to this post. What should the top 20 witnesses be really doing apart from securing our precious little blockchain? Before we start I typed into Grok what a Hive witness should look like and this is what it gave me back.
It looks the total opposite of what a Hive witness really looks like. Charles McGarnicle has been up close and personnel with some of these guys and he can categorically state that the witnesses do not look anything like the above. AI has some work to do. So what do the top 20 look like? Shorts all year round. Beards. Tan. Safari shirts. Crocs. A few food stains here and there. Hammocks and the like and a strong smell of the wacky tobacci.
Source
Muuuuuuch better. Now there's a man that looks like he can secure a blockchain but only after a 5 hour orgy. And on that note with orgies aside what else should a witness be doing?
A Witness Should be Commenting on My Post and Saying How Great I am. A hefty Upvote Should precede said Comment.
Whether it is a photo of a ladybird or a butterfly, a walk around the grey local village for the 567th time , or a little shit post of myself Charles McGarnicle doing my daily a lap of the football field, or maybe its the dinner I made that looks like puke in a photo. It could be even a generic post about a love story that was stolen off the internet or a story about a user falling on hard times and putting all their money into a memcoin. Whatever it is , a witness should be commenting on it and offering their two cents. They should stop watching the validating of blocks for the good of Hive and get reading the really dull Hive posts of the common folk. Who cares if the blockchain is not secured for a few minutes, Read my post titled "I have rats in my galvanized home but they taste delicious" post. A witness should upvote a post even if it slags them off. They need to be the bigger man or woman.
Should be Available 24/7 and a good listener
A witness should not sleep and be available for Hive users at any time all over the globe. This includes working for free solving technical problems that have nothing got to do with Hive. They are a shoulder to cry on and an emphatic ear. This may get them their lucky at Hivefest with one of our Hive worldy but I will give them that , they deserve it.
Should Be Lunatic Handler
As well as securing blocks the witnesses are a magnet for the Hive Lunatics ( We all know who they are). Men and Women let me tell ya. Lads old enough to be my grandfather. Trailer trash hussies from Alabama . When the whiskey kicks in on a Saturday night the Hive witnesses have to be alert and they need to have a thick skin for all the abuse they may receive, Spotting a lunatic is a skill a witness needs as on Discord everything starts amicably then descends into chaos. Some lunatics try to pass the witnesses projects as their own or a 50% / 50% split. An argument ensues and legal arguments are spouted. Screenshots are saved and post in lunatics timeline. Lunatic is banned from witnesses Discord and heads back to Blurt.
Be an Introverted Extrovert
Even though the top 20 witnesses possess the best technical ability on Hive and are more than likely developers who prefer dark rooms and solidarity, they should try and be the life and soul of the party on Hive. We don't want introverts. We want party animals who arrive with an entourage of beauties at Hive events. So secure the blockchain is a must but you need to be fun Bobby when you are not validating blocks. Be friends with everyone. You are effectively the closest thing to a politician without being a politician.
Have 25 or more Hive Projects on the Go
If you are a witness and you don't have more than 25 projects in the pipeline then are you really a witness?? We get it!, you are securing the wotzits to the mainframe but what are you really doing??? Unless you have monster NFT's or a chess slash poker slash Greek mythology game in the pipeline for the last number of years then the Hive Community is not interested and you will not be voted in. You cannot be only securing blocks. We want you to design a whole videogame. All on your own is preferable. If it is not a videogame , it better be a good Dapp or you better be organising some kid of festival!! Even though 99% of these projects will not come to fruition , the Hive user does not care. So don't stick to one thing and succeed witnesses . Try your hand at many things and fail miserably!
Should Run Their own Discord Group
A Hive witness should have their own Discord group where their floozies' and hussies, supporters and token resident lunatics can hang out. They should have loyal moderators keeping an eye and many many AMA's or townhall mettings to keep the whole thing ticking over. A curation event maybe every week where mainly North American people talk about how a post touched their heart.
"I just thought the the contrast between having a rat in the attic and then turning their problem upside down into a family dining experience really touched my heart. This is why I chose this post for the my morning coffee post of the week"
The witness will never be too far away from this group. If there is trouble the witness should turn up and put out any fires night or day.
Should Be Canvasing For Hive Votes
A witness should canvas for votes like any politician and make empty promises but more in a digital sense than repairing a pot hole sense. They should tell the masses what they want to hear. "I want to work to make Hive $10 some day" and be believable. We both know that's not going to happen but we don't care.
Now there was one witness that came around and cut my grass to secure my vote for him. We were both happy. I had fresh cut grass and he went away with a witness vote for life. That's what I want out of my witness. If he or she is not securing the blockchain then they should be doing menial tasks to make them work for their 11,000 Hive per month. Mowing the lawn, emptying the dishwasher, a bit of fluffing etc. All these things help me choose the right witness for the job. So for the other 19 witnesses in the top 20 that have not performed a task for me as of yet. You have a year to call round and do a bit of hoovering. You are allowed bring a laptop to have access to your server if there are any problems to secure the blockchain.
Have a DHF proposal on the Go
Witnesses by their birthright should have a DHF proposal on the go. If they don't then are they really a witness?? The 25 extra curricular projects cost time and money so they need funding. So instead of securing the blockchain they should be sending Hive DM's to the normalies asking to support for their proposal. 0.01 Hive is the normal sweetener but some witnesses are uping this amount to turn more heads.
Should Post Egotistical Rants on X about Hive
When they are not securing blocks , Hive witnesses should be posting on X about how Hive is the best god dam blockchain around. Posts that go on about web3 are the most popular. The more rambley the better.
*"Don't get left behind! Web3 is the future. Soon there will be an a-ha moment and people will regret not buying Hive" People do not understand yet that Hive is the bes......not too late..... freedom of speech .... *
This kind of business.
Keep an Eye on Them Shadow Hunter Community
Rather than securing blocks the witnesses should be spending more of their time keeping tabs on the infamous Shadow Hunters. With 167 active users and growing on Hive. (163 users more than the highly funded rally car community), The shadow hunters have not needed any helping hand to grow as a community and have recently purchased a private jet (G4) out of their curation rewards to escort them to sunny locations across the globe in search of the ultimate shadow and to perform deadly missions off the grid. Some say the Shadow Hunters are a secret branch of the Free Masons. The painters and decorators so to speak. Operating in the shadows does have positives and it is even rumoured that actor Eddie Redmayne spent time with the Shadow Hunters preparing for his role in the hit series the The Day of The Jackal. Teaching Eddie how to shoot someone with a sniper rifle from 1 mile away while wearing an Orthopedic boot or sitting on a mobility scooter and taking someone out with a poisoned dart from across the town square. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. The Shadow Hunters come in all shapes and sizes with various vehicle accessories equipped but take them for granted at your peril. One minute you are enjoying an ice cream near a shadow and the next minute you are knocked out, with a lump on your head from a pistol whip and ice cream gone. So be aware that the likes of Little Jimmy with the gimpy leg, Maureen with her lazy eye or Pablo with the T-Rex arms. Also Sean Cross and Jason Eye. Don't let the twins wandering googly eyes deceive you. Maureen and the Cross Eye twins are the team that train the elite snipers. Below is a rare photo of the twins before they pledged their lives to the shadows.
Sean Cross and Jason Eye in their Army Years
Maureen from The Shadow Hunters(with fag)
Rumour has it once a witness gets promoted to the top 20, they are told about the truth about the Shadowhunters in their initiation ceremony, right after they remove the stone of shame and before they attach the stone of triumph. A witnesses role while not securing blocks is to keep the Shadowhunter's happy but also make sure they don't give too much leeway or things may get out of hand like they did at last year's Hivefest in Mexico where Maureen dismantled a local drug cartel.
So you see everybody. A witness role is not just securing blocks. There is loads of other hidden stuff that they have to do behind the scenes. So before you go slagging off the top 20 witnesses again remember about the jobs that they do do to keep us all safe. So the next time anyone calls out a top 20 witness, first of all , get your own house in order and secondly, remember what they do behind the scenes. It's a full time job.
McGarnicle signing off.
I cannot agree more. Top 20 Witnesses should be far more available to unburden the lives of Hivians.
Actually I could use a babysitter tonight about 8:00. I hear @gtg is good with kids and not doing much anyway.
He's a great babysitter. He brings buckeroo , Junior Monopoly and Uno. They go down a treat!
😂😂
I tried to get in with that Shadow Hunters gang but they said I was way too shady.
Ah you will always be my shady ray of sunshine pal !
Thanks for the expose, McGarnicle.
I'd seen a few teasers here and there.
Sadly it seems nothing more than a storm in a teacup with only the schadenfruede of watching someone hoist by their own petard to make it worthwhile spending any time on at all.
Sounds like you need Maureen on the Caracas Hive merch investigation.
It would be a bloodbath. She would bring her knitting needles to that fight. It would be like a scene from Kill Bill 😂
Aren't the top 20 witnesses a bunch of too fearful kids as to be able to endure an authentic Shadowhunters initiation ceremony?
Because there have also been rumors that this is the real reason they are trying to convince us that their main and only important task is to merely process and validate blocks and not try to also fix what needs to be fixed so that they can be capable to continue processing and validating blocks.
Oh yeah, perhaps that explains why they love so much to "work" in the dark. Because this way they hope avoid projecting shadows that could frighten them to death.
Rumour has it the Shadowhunters are the closest thing we have to Jedi's and they are responsible for the mysterious drones flying over New Jersey. You are getting mixed up between the witness initiation ceremony and the shadowhunters initiation ceremony. They are night and day. Literally. The Shadowhunters one is more like a Mortal Kombat finishing move.
Oh yeah, probably. Maybe because after all, the early "Ninja" stake & luck of the top witnesses won't last forever if they are unable to correct what needs to be corrected, right?
And they won't have any chance to stop the climb to the top of the Shadowhunters' Jedis after their memorable and devastating Mortal Kombat finishing move.
Keep up the good work!
This kind of investigative journalism is desperately needed.
The future of the Blockchain depends on it! 😃
😂 I was wondering when you'll post this and here we go! more peeps should read this
Yes they should and within a 7 day time period 😀😀
"How Great I am!"
(hope it works)
Just tell me I'm great Gandalf . You know you want to! 😀😀. It's only words on a page.
Ah, but it's not merely words on a page. These are bytes immutably carved into the eternal ledger of the blockchain, forever echoing in the digital halls of Hive's decentralized annals.
Imagine making a typo here.
Or worse!
(I just did, edited)
I couldnt agree with you more. I havent read Dear Deidre in The Sun for a long time and now rely on Hive Witnesses to be there for me each day. Of course, not when they traveling the world and promoting Hive at congresses.
Those are the best times to get them though when they are at events. The last few photos I saw of Hive events , everyone is stuck in their phones. 😄
Well said, !LUV it.
If I could be a witness, I would have a #TooFuckeh !MEME of a #FUN time.
May Positive pepEntropy be with you.
!LOLZ
@blanchy, @fjworld(1/10) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | <>< daily
Credit: orionvk
Earn Crypto for your Memes @ HiveMe.me!
lolztoken.com
To arrrgh is pirate.
Credit: reddit
@blanchy, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of fjworld
(3/10)
LMFAO 😂
That was great and spot on.
ROFL
!BBH
@blanchy! @cryptosimplify likes your content! so I just sent 1 BBH to your account on behalf of @cryptosimplify. (3/20)
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In your professional opinion, how many blocks is too many blocks for a witness to witness?
Do you have a favorite block?
How much blocks could a witness block
If a witness could block blocks?
As much blocks as a witness could block,
If a witness could block blocks.
I have a favourite block now that you mention it. It’s a 100mm 7N medium density breeze block. Great allrounder.
That looks like a good block. I can see why you like it.