Oh hello there, hilarious Hivers. Hivers? Hiveans? Hivegans? I hope we're all maintaining our individual homeostasis.
Homeostasis? Did somebody get this idiot a 'word of the day' calendar?
Nope, I just remember things, especially sciency things. Things like geography, demographics, logistic accessibility, population distribution...
But enough 3 syllable (wait, syl-lab... dammit. I'll try to make syllable the last 3 syllable word) words. Hmmm, now that I think about it, I normally use an abundance of three syllable words. I'll try to stay away from words with more than three syllables for the rest of this post.(.. but not perpetually!)
Enough frivolous wordwork...
In the quest for more rewards, I've decided that it's high time I wrote a travel post. I go places and remember stuff, surely I can write a travel post without becoming a... travel blog.
(I don't mean to convey too much disdain by putting 'travel blog' in italic subscript. My problems with travel blogs are mostly based in jealousy, and I realize that's a problem with me, not with travel blogs.)
So...
Today I'd like to share with you some of what I've learned on my travels around North and South America. Now, to avoid confusion later, I don't mean the continents of North and South America, I mean the North and South of the United States, as defined by which side of the Civil War a particular area chose (or chooses!) to be on.
If that sounds like a stupid, pointless travel guide... well that's why it's in Comedy Open Mic, not Pinmapple.
We'll start our journey in the beautiful land of my birth, New York. Now when you say "New York", most people think New York City, and that's understandable. Most of New York is not that. The area of New York that I come from is called the Southern Tier, which you've probably never heard of. It's home to Corning Inc., which maybe you have heard of. They make things like Pyrex, Gorilla Glass, and Revere glass cookware, and there's a good chance you've heard of one of one of those things. They also invented fiber optic cable, and you've definitely heard of that. Their global headquarters in the little city of Corning, NY is a lovely place to visit, though if you do come to visit, you'll learn some things about New York that you probably didn't know before.
One of the first things you'll learn is that a lot of people in rural New York think that they live somewhere in the South. Confederate flags are common, as are those fun-loving 'Don't Tread On Me' flags with the rattlesnake on it. That's not why they call it the Southern Tier, though. That particular moniker comes from being part of the Twin Tiers of NY and PA, but their naming scheme has some idiocy to it that you would think comes from illiteracy.
You see, the Twin Tiers are positioned one above the other, but the Southern Tier is the one on top, to the North, and the Northern Tier is on the Southern end of that arrangement. It's not completely illogical... the Southern Tier, although North of the Northern Tier, is on the Southern Border of NY, and vice versa for the Northern Tier. Understand? Don't worry, neither does anyone else.
New York City is so different from the Twin Tiers that it might as well be on another planet. I mean that literally. People on the street in the rural parts of New York look like a whole different species from people in the City. Driving West out of New York City is like leaving the Starship Enterprise to visit a farm planet.
If you want to see North and South America in one state, start in New York City, then drive Northwest.
On the other side of the country, California is a lot like New York, in almost every way. For starters, people who have never been there tend to think of them as just giant cities, and that is just laughably false. Like New York, if you drive through California, you'll see that it's actually mostly woods and agriculture. The biggest difference between them is that the people who inhabit the hills and farms of New York are white, and the people who inhabit the hills and farms of California are brown. It's probably just because California gets more sun.
Despite their geographical locations, both NY and CA would be considered Northern states in Civil War terms, even though California wasn't even a state during the Civil War. Not necessarily because they thought you shouldn't be able to own slaves, just because they believed that if you did, you should feel bad about it.
If you want a real taste of the North, both geographically and ideologically, then visit Chicago. Chicago is on a cold lake that forms part of the United States' Northern border with Canada. It's known as the Windy City, and that's a very accurate name. They could also have called it the Rainy City, or just the Cold City. There are colder cities than Chicago in the US, but nobody lives in them. All those other Northern 'cities' you hear about may be called cities, but they're so small that their population doubles every time there's a football game. Don't bother packing to visit Chicago. No matter what you pack, the weather will force you to buy new clothes. If it isn't oddly cold in the summer, or simply too cold to be outside in the winter, even if you have appropriate garments, the moment you wear them outside they'll get wet with rain, then the wind will rip your cheap tourist clothes right off your body, forcing you to head into a local shop to buy something made of inch thick wool.
Aside from the cold, Chicago is also a very Northern city ideologically. They really don't care what color, religion, or sexual orientation you are out there... if you can tolerate the environment, they're happy to have you. Chicago also has a way of giving everyone who lives there something in common... a hoarse voice. After a year in that city, even people with squeaky voices will sound like they've had a tracheotomy.
If you want to see what the North and South look like when mixed together, then you should visit Virginia. Their license plates should say The Government State. Most of the scary branches of the US Government operate out of Virginia, and if you drive around the state a while, it becomes pretty obvious that they don't want you there. Virginia has more razor wire fence than all the other states combined. It's a beautiful place to drive through, but if you get out of your car to take a stroll, don't be surprised if a couple fellas in fatigues show up with M16's and encourage you to 'move along.'
Virginia gets a pretty good mix of North and South weather, so if you like the idea of weather, but don't want to actually experience it, it's a great place. It's also been a government center for the Union, the Confederacy, and the Federal government, with locals supporting all three. If you want to see what the United States of America is all about, without seeing the harsh environments that made it that way, Virginia is the place to go.
As you move South, heat and humidity actually make time move a little slower, which is why so much of the South is stuck in 1885. People think that the South is full of white supremacist hillbillies, but it's actually full of black and Latino people. I'm not saying those hillbillies don't exist, just that they're minorities. They are at least orderly minorities... they sort their communities by race and income.
For white people visiting the South America for the first time, it's easy to feel like you've driven right out of the country. If you visit Miami, for example, it's important to stay sober enough to remember that you aren't in Cuba. Miami is full of Cubans, and it looks like the Cuba they show you in movies, only the cars are newer. If you're unlucky enough to wander into rural Florida, you may think you've wound up in actual South America. Gators, swamps, pythons, panthers... if you're not comfortable with being prey, don't leave the amusement parks.
Heading West out of Florida through the South is like visiting a war-torn Third World country. Just ruins of buildings, lost in a jungle. Here and there you may see a few people who appear to belong to some primitive tribe. There aren't a lot of signs, because the locals can't read anyway. The only buildings that look maintained are the churches, and even those don't always look structurally sound. I think churches in the North still send missionaries to some of those communities. If you want to see primitive humans up close, but can't get a passport, visit Mississippi.
Things start to get 'civilized' again as you approach Texas, which is sometimes called North Mexico. Most of Texas is hard to tell apart from regular Mexico, which actually makes sense, since it used to be Mexico. Texas wanted to be a Southern state ideologically, but every time some farmer bought a bunch of slave workers, a bunch of Mexicans would start working the farm next door for half the cost. Texas is a big state, like they say, but it all looks the same, so it's not really that much to brag about. It is believed that the people in Texas are more diverse than its landscape, but everything is covered in so much dust that this has yet to be confirmed.
This is more of a primer than a guide, really. We've only just scratched the surface of my travel experience, so I could probably be persuaded to expand on this travel guide, with the proper amount of votes and/or comments...
I just love traveling the dirt roads and small towns of the American countryside, meeting new people, saying things that offend them... I don't actually remember where I took this photo, but it was one of the few times I was ever in a place with no other vehicles, no power lines, and no signs of airplanes in the sky.
This post is a riot from start to finish! You've taken the idea of a travel guide and flipped it on its head, giving us a hilarious, if somewhat questionable, tour through "North and South America." Your playful jab at using big words and then immediately overusing them is a stroke of comic genius, setting the tone perfectly.
The way you paint each region with broad strokes of humor while mixing in actual tidbits of geography and history is top-notch. The comparisons between places like New York and California are both funny and oddly insightful—I'm still laughing at the "farm planet" analogy for rural New York! And Chicago? I can almost feel that icy wind stealing my cheap tourist clothes.
But the real gems are your descriptions of the South. The idea that time moves slower because of the heat and humidity is both funny and terrifyingly accurate. And the Florida section? I might never look at an amusement park the same way again.
Overall, this is a masterclass in blending humor with travel commentary. You've got the perfect balance of wit, sarcasm, and just enough truth to make it all hit home. I can't wait to see where you "travel" next!
Thank you! That reply was the epitome of glowing praise! Your careful dissection of my literary technique was a rare and welcomed insight on a platform that too often considers "Good job!" to be thoughtful criticism.
😁
I'm from California in case anyone tuned in is unaware so, pay attention, we know everything.
Fact—funniest thing about those flags is their Chinese origin.
NYC, not NY, is the one I say the rest of America isn't that dirty! when I hear someone's visiting the states for the first time and stopping in NYC. Syringes n shit are hardly even noticeable in upper Manhattan.
WTF south are you talking about?!? Funny. Find a black dude in Tennessee or Kentucky or West Virginia or Texas or N/C, S/C or... and he's either a cop or a lost tourist passing through.
Seriously, do you have a passport? Have you ever possessed a passport?
I walked across Lake Michigan once. Skipped rocks across it before, too, but the time it was frozen. Like frozen frozen, as far as you could see. Didn't make it that far. Pura had on converse and tiny little ankle socks—brrr!!
Ankle socks - February... California's the SHIT!!
Sounds like California has it all figured out—especially when it comes to walking on water in style!
"Guilty"
You've seen a white person in Texas? Pictures, or it didn't happen.
Never bothered with a passport. When I wanna visit someplace distant, I just pass through the port.
California is the shit. It's like NY, but bigger, with friendlier gun laws.
I won't lie, I get jealous at people that have travelled to different places.
Look at me, yet to leave the shores of Nigeria
If you had seen how un-glamorous most of my travel was, you might not be jealous. When I travel, I'm often mistaken for a refugee.
Hahahahah!
This is crazy.
For me though, I like to visit places but because of motion sickness (nauseating), I no longer fancy traveling except it's human teleportation means😅
Maybe you would enjoy some of my un-glamorous travel, then. I have traveled vast expanses of countryside on foot.
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STOPThis is actually a really interesting travel post by the way. If it was on Pinmapple it would be well withing the $50 right now. 🤣 I like learning the ins and outs from the natives around the USA. I'm heading to New York for the first time this October for the ol' 10th anniversary. Staying in Greenwich village because Im a wannabe hippy so I will need a couple of nice watering holes to stick to the old Irish cliches. I have my eye on this Dead Rabbit pub and a few more. I could use a bit of your native wisdom that is uncer 3 syllables or less.
I don't really have much advice to give on the City, unless you want to know where you can safely smoke crack in street. I know an Irish guy who has spent years there, so I'll ask him if he knows any places around The Village that serve warm beer.
Not sure what your timeframe is, but if you're coming at the very beginning of October, and would prefer to skip all the glitz and glamour of the city for some urban decay and possible drive-by shootings in Elmira, NY instead, I'll be doing some comedy at an Irish bar there on Oct. 2. First two rounds on me.