I'm comin' out in a boxer's robe, laser light show, full system crankin' 'Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangta'...
WHAT'S UP HIIIIIIIIIVE?!?!?!
I'm throwin' liters of Gentleman Jack and Johnny Walker Blue into the crowd...
('Ow, hey... what the fuck!')
SHARIN' THAT WEALTH YA'LL!!!
('Fuck your wealth, I think my girlfriend needs stitches!')
I'm tossin' gold chains (some of which get stuck to the magnets on the speakers)
CALLIN' ALL MY HOMIIIEEEEES!
('Somebody call 911!')
Ah, YEAH! Nothing like coming to the stage fresh off a win! Okay, it was more of a participation trophy, but that doesn't matter...
It payed in crypto!!!
('Did you say crypto?')
Yes, I did little lady. Buddy, it looks like your girl is going to be fine. Here baby, here's a $100 I.O.U you can wipe that blood up with.
('So, are you like, a crypto millionaire or something?')
Well, they say it's vulgar to talk about money, but let me put it this way... You know how just one Bitcoin is worth over 40 grand? Well I just won TWO Hive Backed Dollars, for 20 minutes worth of work.
('What the fuck is a Jive Backed Dollar?')
That's Hive Backed Dollar, baby, and it's a crypto-currency, just like Bitcoin.
('ooooOOOOHHHHhhhhhh...')
Yeah, so anybody who want to ah, see me later, you can get my number at the bar. Text me a pic.
So hi there, everyone! I'm Hugh Telmi, but I suppose you all know that now that I'm like, fucking famous. I'm sure a lot of you think that maybe I'm getting a little full of myself, and maybe you're right. Maybe I'm getting full of myself, but of the tens of thousands of active users on this platform only a dozen or so won a paying award for a comedy contest, and I'm not about to lose this head of steam.
I've already quit my job, and said my awkward goodbyes to my family. I'm all in on this comedy thing, come hell or high water. I'm waiting in line on this stage every week, dammit, until I make it big in comedy.
('You know this is virtual, right?')
That's right, I'm virtually unstoppable. They're all calling me crazy now, but when I show up with my success perm, and my european sports car that I park in my gold mansion I've bought with my crypto millions, they'll wish they'd supported me then. They'll all come crawling then.
This is why comedians are such damaged people. Even if your funny didn't come from trauma, the people who are supposed to love and support you don't think you're funny enough to support yourself with jokes (and they're probably right) so they just shit on your dream all the time.
Here's a thought, so you comedians can look on the bright(er) side, keep in mind that their discouragement may just be self defense. If you're funny enough to support yourself with jokes, they know they will definitely end up being the butt of several of them. So maybe your mother says she's disappointed, but deep down she's hoping that she will be disappointed just so you don't tell embarrassing stories about her.
My grandparent's generation all talk about Bob Hope any time anyone brings up comedy. I wonder, were Bob Hope's parents proud? People had different ideas about what was repectable back then. Maybe Bob never went home for Christmas because pops would have shot at him while holding a bible and chanting in latin. Maybe that's why he did all those Christmas specials.
I could look that up on my phone now, but it's more fun for me to speculate. In another generation or two, nobody is going to get that reference anyway, I'll spin whatever story I want. Who knows, if I spin one good enough, I'll be able to take my crypto billions and growing fame into politics.
('Could I cash in this I.O.U. now?')
Oh, sweety, that's not an I.O.U., that's just a bloody piece of paper.
('You just gave me this, told me it's good for $100, acting all flashy... hell I got this cut from the bottle YOU threw! I'm calling some hood friends down here, they're going to kick the SHIT out of you when they see your white ass dressed like that...')
Well folks, that's my time! I want to thank most of you, you've been a wonderful audience! Hopefully Mr. Sensitive and his gold digger friend here...
('Oh you mother...')
...will sort out their little problems at home next time. Wanna give a quick shout to my boyz looking all inconspicuous in the back there, DandAys, complxty,... waitress, could you send those guys some drinks? Not trying to bribe judges or anything... I mean, I'm open to a bribery scenario, but this probably isn't the best place to discuss that. Let me just cash out some of this sweet crypto winnings and I'll drop by in the helicopter, say the word.
PEACE!
Cool.... I am feeling the vibes of winning that comedy contest with you, sir. To hell with those who pour shits on your dreams, they'll definitely come crawling back as you said. You can be as full of yourself as you want, you deserve it. Cheers to your winnings.
Wait, can I cash out the I.O.U now? Lol. Peace out. ✌️
😂😂😂
Why is he laughing at me 😅😅😂😂
Because it's contagious... soon we'll have this place chuckling like a madhouse!
Hahaha, I believe it too. 😂😂
I just read (and voted and commented on) your recent post. Once I cash out all this hot Hive Comedy money I'm going to have to hire you as a life coach!
And I just responded to your comment on that post.
Your life coach? Oh my, quit pulling my legs, lol, but, I'll be honored. 🙈😊
I don't know who that is but I know his cousin Bob Ross.
SHARANAITHAL!!!!!! Glad you made it.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhiAAY
Well, well, well.
Welcome back my dude. 👊🏼
Thanks bro, this time I'm here to stay
Gosh, I'm so glad I'm one of your early "supporters" so make sure there is a line in your will for me ;).
I'll make sure to write in an I.O.U. for ya! :D
The least lol. Make sure you tag me often enough so I don't miss out on it lol.
Careful what you wish for, it is only through great effort that I don't spam-tag just about everyone I interact with on every post!
@oldsoulnewb the tag is only for me to know how much I get you know ;). In the end you can juste delegate everything to me then there is no need to be tagged and you don't have to leave your principles, right @oldsoulnewb? I think @oldsoulnewb thinks I'm smart, maybe not. How dare you @oldsoulnewb 😅
I think perhaps you are tooYOU shrewd, @bulldog-joy! Wasn't it I who tagged you into the first round? I think you won an even bigger award than I did, I should be hitting up for a little for a little spare bling! Lucky Clown award, wasn't it, @bulldog-joy?
After you get Joy a couple diamond collars, remember to leave a little something for the poor thug that showed you the game!
edit... It's funny that for all the times you tagged me in that reply, it only notified me once. Maybe I'll spam tags more often after all!
Goddamnit it did only once? All that effort and by the way you have a point here. I won more than you 😂 . Ummmmmmmmmm I don't know you do I lol?
It is hilarious actually, but the part about being a comedian is true. I used to stand up comedy in Qatar, and I remember I couldn't even get anyone to come for free when they had nothing to do.
Amazing entry, thank you for submitting into the COMtest.
Completely observational on my end... I've never actually tried to do comedy for a living. I didn't have too much of a family support environment for, well, anything, so I just extrapolated that experience to what so many comedians seem to face.
I'm too rural for any kind of a real comedy scene, but I've been to some shows, and hung out with a few from time to time. There are definitely some recurring personality traits among comedians, and I share many of them :D
I did do music for a while, not for a living, but as a hobby that provided supplemental income, so I know a few things about performing from a stage, keeping a crowd engaged, etc. I would often do something like a short set if we were having technical (or band member attendance) difficulties.
From an American perspective, doing stand up Qatar sounds almost like a punchline itself! Glad to see you made it through alive!
Send a couple grand over to @otherbrandt and I'll see what I can do about your chances of winning this.
!PIZZA
Does it matter what it's a couple grand of? I've got a bunch of those Alex Jones coins. I could spare a couple thousand millionths of a Hive. I could send a couple grand schemes.
Nah it doesn't matter, whatever you want to send is fine. I am a bit partial to schemes actually. Are they the kind that will make me rich?
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
(1/5) @brandt tipped @oldsoulnewb (x1)
Please vote for pizza.witness!
It is indeed more fun to speculate. I know so because I too am Hive backed.
I'm not actually Hive backed, it's all part of the show. NY state doesn't allow me to trade Hive for dollars, so Hive to me is just a way to level up my accounts.
It's always more fun for me to speculate... I get to make up my own scenarios! :D
Sometimes I find myself saying this isn't a joke when I repeat something that should be a joke but isn't.
Couple weeks ago some ancient proverbs were scrolling on YouTube and one said something to the affect: The funnier they are, the sadder they are. WTF IS THAT?!
And I've since been unable to find it which doesn't simplify this story.
Sincerely,
Sam Wichiss.
It's an unnatural fact that most really funny people developed that humor in response to some sort of trauma.
In my case, the trauma itself is completely repressed (which I'm sure I'm thankful for, since I have very vivid memories all the way back to my crib) and I ended up fairly well adjusted with a quick wit.
Now that I think about it, I might just be the second luckiest guy you know. Nevermind, my phone just rang with a spam call, on Sunday morning!. Fuck my luck.
Best wishes to you and Pura! Hope you two are ready for a cold winter!
Was it the extended vehicle warranty one?
Doesn't make sense to me. I've never used the lady running for her life around the dining table butt naked and I'm hiding under it, terrified, until they see me so I crawl out all petrified and he finally left her alone as humorous inspiration.
Caio,
Hugh G. Rickshun.
Not sure which one it was, I only answer if I have time to fuck with them. My favorite is to pretend like I'm a detective answering a victim's phone.
Apparently, it's not that people draw inspiration from the trauma, but that they see the funny side of things as a way to cope and not become a sobbing mess. That particular trauma might have something to do with the huge erection, which is kinda funny.
Regards,
Leroy Al Payne
Well damn, now that you spleled it out like that I've always thought it was funny I never saw her again.
They stopped calling when I told them I drive a Rolls Royce Phantom and my commuter's a G-6.
Til then,
Philip A. Box
They hung up on me when I told them my newest car was an '07 with over 230,000 miles on it, but they didn't stop calling. I'll try the Rolls angle. Thanks for the tip.
Cordially,
Ben Toverer
Any time. The rep I spoke with was Anita Petit if that helps, she's on top of it. Or maybe it was Amanda, either Anita or Amanda Petit.
Your pal,
Peter Zelphagan
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May fame and fortune fall on you crypto style… as an actual fortune of coins would probs just crush you under the weight of your comedy gold.
Thanks, that's the sweetest theoretical death I've ever heard!