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RE: What The..

in Comedy Open Mic4 months ago

...gateway DUI, that's awesome. Should specify riding mower, though. It took a poor guy like me with a push mower a minute to get it.

River crossing in Kursk almost made me spit out cider. That's hilarious, and cold.

As an optimist, I think the woman with the 'Ew, People' shirt was wearing it more as a warning to avoid her particular klan than as a statement. I mean, toting two kids, she's obviously spending at least a little time really close to somebody. Or (more likely, for a woman who would put a kid in such a Kermit shirt) somebodies. She can't think they're too eww.

There's nothing wrong with a romantic, pump-side, trash top picnic, you judgmental prick.

How long after Pura broke your finger did your hand and arm start dying? Blink twice if you need to be rescued from an abusive relationship.

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 4 months ago  

Pura just messaged me, she's at work. She must've just read this one cuz she said, "I can't believe you said Kursk like that. I know you haven't but you can't ever tell anyone where we live."

Pura READS these things? If Hedge Witch read my comedy posts, she would probably strangle me in my sleep.

 4 months ago  

I know. Crazy, right? She's totally into me. Even these things.

You're probably the luckiest man I know, as well.

 4 months ago  

The first chick who stuck with me longer than a weekend had a brother, 6 actually, one's dead now, fuckin crazy!! Dude he died like a week after my mother and HE walked my mom down the aisle at that same chicks wedding—crazy! Anyhoo, a different brother of hers got a DUI once pushing his bicycle to our place one night. Fuckin California! I probably got ahead of myself like mower/bicycle, mower/bicycle but you're probably right—seat's likely required.

cold

Good one!

Judgmental - L o L! "Guilty!" Pura says prickly. <- true story. Has to warn everyone she introduces me to before I actually meet them, "he's real prickly" and this is like a year or two after they wanna meet me. She makes them wait. And the rest I just never meet.

Much appreciate the support dude, thank you. Comedy pieces are the toughest for me. Can't gauge the audience, hashtag NervousWreck.

I used to think that writing comedy was harder, exactly because you can't gauge the audience. I've now learned that performing live is harder, because if you gauge the audience poorly, they can throw things at you.

We had a local guy catch a DUI on his riding lawn mower, maybe that's why I thought that joke was so funny. California ain't the only crazy police state.

 4 months ago  

Only thing I could think of to put in perspective how ridiculous it is when people call weed a gateway drug. Ok!

Yeah, crazy, you know.. I wouldn't be strung out on OxyContin and sellin my ass for shelter but damn that weed was good!!

I always told people that once they got to weed, they were already gone. Alcohol and nicotine are the drugs on the other side of the baby gate.

I've since seen a meme that spelled it out more honestly, but not as humorously. Trauma is the real gateway to drugs. Shoot that back at someone talkin' 'bout weed as a gateway drug, and it will usually shut them up.

 4 months ago (edited) 

I just clocked my 10th year sober—Aug 2. And, to this day, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of both. Cigarettes, especially, and not even a stog, I mean a gross ass cheap cigar. Nothing gives me a head change like that first thing in the am.

Bourbon is my choice poison. I think about it all the time. Shitty mail, wish I could have a drink.. traffic, wish I could drink.. weather, drink. Death, drink drink drink. Thanks to this paragraph, I can taste it.

Congrats on the 10 years! I didn't 10-step quit, but I've basically stopped all hard liquor 'cuz it just makes me sick. I still struggle not to buy scotch every time I go to the liquor store to buy Hedge Witch her preferred poison.