"Nothing in my defense is worth speaking. And that I know what they think and it kept my mouth shut."
It was a few minutes ago when I posted this on the former Twitter platform, now known as X. That means it was that time that I was mentally aggravated. Or let's just say I was angry because I did a mistake and I lost my composure.
On 23, this Saturday, we're about to celebrate our youngest cousin's christening. And as the event stylist of the family incharge of the backdrop, I was settled with where the backdrop is supposed to be. But there is a situation going on today. My uncle decided to push with the construction of a storage behind the tent near the backdrop area. At first, I was asking myself if their work won't overlap with the space that I needed. So I just shrugged every thoughts of doubt and just let them carry on with their work.
But later on I was hearing that they're going to rotate the tent to align it and face the gate. I was puzzled because it means there will be a part of the tent that will be very visible at the center top of the backdrop. The space will be wider but that visible part is the problem. And here is where I lost my composure.
While constantly saying my point of view about the sudden change to my uncle and aunt, my mom was speaking to me in between and kept bugging me about handing over an umbrella (which I don't even know where at the first place)... that I shouted "wait!" in my language because I was irritated and my aunt was currently explaining while my uncle is speaking his thoughts on the side and while I was speaking to them as well. It was chaotic moments of words that I suddenly was stopped because of what my mom wants from me. And I got that look..why am I not doing anything about her request, that I suddenly yelled at her.
My brother got angry about it and talked thrash about me and then my aunt said I shouldn't shout and continued on explaining her side about the position change of the tent. So there it is another additional to the chaos that all of them where continuously speaking and I just don't where to listen and what to say.
It's only when my aunt turned to my uncle and asked whether there wouldn't be any disturbance with the space on the event date that I was able to walk out and leave that place. And before leaving, I remember my uncle saying that the backdrop will now face the gate and not our house's terrace. And I thought that is possible but it's too late to regret the time I shouted because it was later explained after that moment.
Also, altough I made a mistake, I couldn't blame myself because I was busy and stuck at hearing two mouths constantly and simultaneously speaking what they think is good and then suddenly someone butts in and kept asking me for something while in that situation. I lost my sense of righteousness and forgot that she was my mom.
I should fix my habit of hating it when someone butts in while I'm speaking with someone to reach an understanding. I mean look at what happened. It already happened and I know for sure that some of the elders will talk behind my back and I can't do anything about it. Just like how it is back then.
So, what now?
So now, I am back at being the silent person I am where I keep everything to myself and never allowing my self to comment on things that I see going on around me. I used to be that person three years ago and they noticed me being like that. And that I never even tried to defend myself against any of them. I'm just the silent guy who just let them say what they want to say.
I mean it wasn't that hard but getting out of it, is a new start where you need to learn the first step. I don't know why I'm such a perfectionist that I, myself is not even perfect.
Right now, I don't ever want to involve myself with that event and wants to let it pass without my help. But I can't do that can I? When they expect no one but me to do that favor... I would just pile more negative comments about me if I don't work on it. I cannot say to the guests to not come because there won't be any party to help them celebrate can I? Sure my aunt and my cousins could probably pull it off somehow, but in return I will be the black sheep in the family and my relationship to them would get worse. I can only imagine about it especially when you know most of their attitudes.
For now, I want to share this to atleast remove some of the burden and mental break down in my mind. I feel like doing this would help me be at ease and let myself know that I was able to tell someone my side of the story even without letting them know.
Why is it so hard to tell your families about your worries sometimes? Because sometimes they're the ones that argues with you. I have to say that and I will not sugarcoat that. I hope I'll find my way to peace to get through all of this. Two more days and I could get my rest (cross-fingers).
Before I leave, I want to tell myself that you had the courage to speak for yourself today even without them knowing. It's a good change. And I hope you'll find yourself even more confident than you are today in the future.
I know we shouldn't be proud of a mistake but that is all, and I'm sorry.
