More than a year ago, I paused writing.
My mom died. She was always there to support and encourage me to do things that enabled me to succeed. When I lost her, I felt empty, as if a part of my life had been sucked away. On the night of November 26th, 2023, we lost her. Despite challenges and struggles, what was once a happy household lost its light. The night she died replays over and over in my head for so long, until now, I still cry out of the blue. I witnessed her last breath and how the paramedic arrived just after she had her last breath. That night, I did not cry, and not even during the wake. I had to be the strength my family needed in a sorrowful time. It takes a week after when I shed my tears. I just broke down in the comfort room. Perhaps regrets not giving her a much better life and longing for everything about her dominate as I shed my tears. It's good to have cried and not bottled up that emotion. It was not suitable for my anxieties, as it may become worse if I hadn't cried.
The last words I spoke to her were 'I love you' and 'Thank you '. I wish I had more time with her, especially since I was away for a research conference in Palawan (a whole week) before her death. It was my first research conference, and it took away the last week I could have spent with my mom. I'm grateful for the experience, but I can't help but long for what could have been. My mom was happy when I flew to Palawan and even encouraged me to buy a new travel bag. That love is beyond measure. She always liked giving, even the last of her money, to help and make someone happy. Mama, I miss you. I lost a mom, but I gained an angel.
Since I lost her, I had no courage to write again. Over 2024, I have enough content and stories to share, but I can't make my brain and hands work to get one story, resulting in just a pile of drafts. I may be preoccupied with finally completing my master's degree. While I struggled to express my heart and tell stories, I could write scientific papers. It's ironic. I even got an award for being able to publish a few more documents than my peers. 2024 was a good year, although I am still the morning of the loss of my mom. I was able to graduate from my graduate studies after waiting for at most 2 years for the right panelist to examine my thesis.
Why does it take so long? I submitted my proposal as early as 2021. Still, my advisor said they can't yet find an appropriate panelist to examine my research. When they found experts from abroad in 2022, I put a hold on the schedule since it was when my mom was confined. I was struggling in 2023 and much more when Mom died later that year. The proposal hearing was pushed to the first quarter of 2024, and eventually, after a month, I had a final defense. With God's grace, I graduated and had the ceremony last December 28th. I planned to finish the degree in 2 years, but God had other plans. I started the degree late in 2019 (pioneering batch). The crazy roller coaster ride brought me through the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns, changing workplaces, my mom's confinement, eventual eternal rest, and many more. It took me 5 years to get the degree, but it brought many learnings and blessings.
As I said, I wrote more scientific papers in 2024 than I could ever imagine. While having a creative block, I excel in research. I wrote and published at most 26 scientific articles in 2024. Although my degree was put on hold for completion, I strived to publish papers. The institution where I work has even given me an award for research and development. While these articles are not entirely solely of my efforts, they were a product of collaboration and mentoring others. Losing my mom changed my life. When I struggle emotionally, I find solace in helping others and self-improvement. Seeing advisees graduating put a smile on my face. Seeing colleagues achieving goals similarly put a smile on my face. My loss gives me a newer perspective on life and death, finding fulfillment and gratitude from others' successes as I have, in a little way, helped them.
Travel has always been a perk when you do research. Last November, I had the opportunity to visit Baguio City, Philippines. While the primary purpose of my visit was to present my research, I also had enough time to immerse myself in the local culture, taste the delicious delicacies, and explore the tourist destinations. It was my first travel after I lost mom. We went to the eerie Diplomat Hotel, and the feel of spookiness speaks of its haunted reputation. Although it felt spooky and ghostly, the rotten-down facade still holds charms, blending with Baguio's cold weather and panoramic city view. Next, we did not miss Burnham Park. We rent boats, and some cycle around. The cool weather makes it more relaxing. We did not miss out on Mines View Park, where the view is superb, and affordable souvenirs to bring back home. We went to many places; I'll tell you about it again.
Oh, I was sidetracked on my travels to Baguio. Going back, 2024 was a year of recovery and achievement. While struggling, I met a woman who was the best part of my 2024. Healing was a way faster with her. Crazy when you do not expect it and are at rock bottom. I am glad I met her. She was an acquaintance and a workmate, yet we became closer early this year. Everything seems yin and yang, but everything falls perfectly to God's plan. It's New Year. I want to start a new one and rekindle my love for writing. Part of this comeback is to begin reinvesting in the platform. I used what I had here when I was in financial trouble with hospital and medical bills. Now, I'll have a do-over. Start again. I am ready to share my content and stories again with a renewed self.
Starting now.
So sorry to hear this, losing someone who's really close to you is so hard. It really takes time to move on and moving forward seems harder. So glad to hear you we're able to move on, He surely knows when to drop someone that can help you with your moving on. Good job surviving your 2024 😊👏✨✨
Glad to here from you, @ruffatotmee! I hope your doing well in life! Happy New Year!
Nice to see you here again. Condolences pala. We had no idea. But there's always a silver lining noh? Congrats on your newfound !LUV life. Wishing you both the best.
Nice to see you, too, @juanvegetarian! Yeah, it seems. I hope you're doing well.
I'm okay naman. Thanks. Hope to read more from you here.
@juecoree, @juanvegetarian(1/1) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community | HiveWiki | <>< daily