Lately I have been forcing myself out of a period of laziness, gloom, and lack of motivation. It is incredibly easy to fall into this slump in which you feel sorry for yourself, tell yourself that it is okay to be doing nothing. That life is just hard on you and the time you are taking to sit around and feel sorry for yourself is justified. It is easy to let that period go on, deep in days, weeks, and sometimes months as you roam about the day doing the very minimum of what is needed. Nothing really changes, nothing really gets done. You sit idle and think of the many alternate lives you could've lived under different circumstances. Would Antony be happier as a small-time farmer in Brazil? Or would Antony be content working on a dock, loading the many ships that come in and out? Maybe somewhere there is a little communist verison of me that just works in a factory all day in content. Is the grass really greener on the other side, or is it completely false?
These periods of time are dangerous, they seemingly have no end, where nothing really changes and the time passes by. I have fallen into these periods way too many times in my live, and now I am at the age of 27 it is pretty evident that it can't continue. That when these moments arise, I have to maybe give myself a few days to take things a little easier, but force myself back up and take into consideration the issues that led to such feelings and how they can be addressed, pretty much immediately. Without the excuse of how I am feeling and such to keep prolonging things. We have such little knowledge of the universe, but we have a general understanding that time only pushes forward, whether you are prepared or not. It has taken so many years, but now I realise that I should be prepared, if not more than prepared.
With all that is going on lately, I have started to take up two interests of mine of which I have never really given my full attention: drawing and reading. Drawing is something I have always wanted to get into, but always told myself that it just was not for me. I hate this lie we tell ourselves now. The idea that there is something we are incapable of doing for no particular reason. We have an interest in many things but fall victim to the first hurdle: trying. Where we set our posture, line up our legs, hear the firing of the gun to tell us to push forward, only to be met with the first challenge and give up. "Nope, I can't do that. I guess it just isn't for me."
I feel there is not much else as damaging as the little lies we tell ourselves. The ways we bargain and manipulate our true feelings into this submission into failure. A little soften to the blow of defeat. We shrug it off and move on to the next lie we tell ourselves. I have done this so many times before. Even with drawing. I have always been terrible at it, but recently, watching this failure, considering why I was doing poorly, and using the resources available on the Internet, I have progressed massively. To the point where my confidence in drawing has increased, and I can understand how to go about drawing certain things with some relative ease; and understanding of form and the many shapes used to construct complexities. I realise now: where would I be with this if I had never given up years ago? It doesn't matter now, and I don't care much for the idea of thinking about the past and these alternate lifestyles I could've had. Though that realisation of potential lingers, burning from within. What else can I do?
I signed up for Goodreads the other day. I have always loved reading, but the teenage phase I had replaced reading with sleep, films, and video games. I began to read again a few years ago, but very slowly. Never really putting in the effort to get through books and find them. It felt more like a chore than an enjoyment. Due to my attention span that had been nuked by years of neglect and excuses. We are eight months into the year, and I decided to use Goodreads to set a goal for myself: finish at least five books by the end of the year. Thus far, I have finished two. Within a period of a month, which was mostly due to that period of hardships I faced in June, work, and following excuses. I picked up a book during that period, and again the realisation of neglect: why did I ever stop? I am not one to set goals for myself, I have always felt that I don't need routine or some type of schedule. That I was far too good at controlling myself for that. What a liar I was.
I definitely believe I can achieve the goal of five total books read this year; it is worth noting that I only started to read again in June, I would have set the goal higher otherwise. I am halfway through a third book already. There is always one book that I read, but never fully finished, and that is Rollo May's "Man's Search for Himself". This book saved me a while ago, and I found his book after listening to a motivational speaker from the 60s of Earl Nightingale. The two looked deep into modern man and considered our flaws, whether from society's influence or our own minds plotting against us. "We become what we think about." A quote that I have always remembered alongside: "Success is the progressive realisation of a worthy ideal."
Despite all of difficulties I face now -- my only belongings currently not packed up in boxes are my camera, gimbal, a big stack of books, and some clothes -- I feel a lot of excitement for the big improvements I have made, where I have pushed myself to not only get out of a rough period mentally, but begin thriving with newfound passion. To see growth and feel the positivity it brings as one challenge is not avoided, but actively pursued. Perhaps, if people are interested, I can provide more information on the book by Rollo May in another post, and share some of the ways it has helped me grow and understand myself throughout the years. I certainly recommend it to others that feel a little lost in the modern world and don't quite understand why.
Sounds like you're pulling yourself out of the rut which is good :)
One step at a time, yeah. These things are also serving as incredible distractions from all else unfolding around me at the moment.
Best wishes on your new endeavor. I don't really draw but play guitar. I should get back to it too. I also think 5 books a year is a great goal. It is easy to read a book but to retain the information and apply its information is difficult. However, I definitely think this is doable for 5 books a year.
Absolutely. I was tempted to set the goal higher, but I wasn't sure if I could do it by the end of the year given I'd be starting about now. I think next year I'll increase it slightly and see how that goes. One step at a time.
Acoustic or electric? I love both, but sadly I haven't been able to play much lately. They're both incredible for learning something and also getting out a lot of stress, especially if you end up playing the electric guitar and tune it to something heavy. :^)
I mostly play acoustic but I have an electric. Unfortunately, my amp does not work. Your right, it is a great way to relieve stress. Maybe I have to make time.
I use an interface for now. And some amp sims which do the job. But I would definitely say that pedals are necessary instead of going full sim.
Humans are capable of doing anything they set their mind on and the moment we tell ourselves "I can't do this, it's not for me", that's the genesis of our failure. Even when we finally decide to attempt that task, we have already lined ourself for failure because of that negative mindset we projected earlier. Thanks for the wonderful and insightful article, it reminded that I have a couple of books I haven't finished yet, just reading them halfway and jumping to something new. I should definitely try and complete them
Yeah! Get back into it! Do you have any books on mind that you want to read or have started but never finished?
Never finished: rich dad poor dad, the subtle art of not giving a f*ck
Never started yet: how to win friends and influence people, richest man in Babylon, increase your financial IQ and smart thinking
It is funny how our minds play these tricks on us and makes it feel like reading is hardwork when it isn't. Personally I've also been having attention issues especially when it comes to books. I'd spend months without being able to finish one book while I can finish 5 movies in a day.
It's good to note that you've been able to set realistic goals and have already started fulfilling them. And Thank you for this post has encouraged me to be more.
I'm glad to hear that. I hope it leads to a bit of soul-searching and getting onto the road of improvement and staying on it.
The hardest thing is forever starting. The second hardest is accepting failure and the smallest signs of improvement as you stick to it and push forward. We're beings that love the idea of instant satisfaction, and it results in us prioritising ease over effort. It's a bad mindset to be in.
Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!
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