I loved you so much, for so long and all you ever wanted was to see me dead...
[It is 2.55 am, I have just finished writing this post, it has taken me many, many hours and has been MASSIVELY emotional to write. You probably won't manage to read it all as it is humongous. Don't worry about it, I wrote it for ME more than anything else and feel that I have processed some pretty powerful stuff. So there's that, right?]
I loved you so much, for so long and all you ever wanted was to see me dead...
Well I have been intending to write this post for quite some time...
Actually it is far more accurate to say I have been eagerly anticipating it, I had news I was excited to share as I was so utterly proud of myself and m'lady too.
To many, it would not be a big deal but to me it was EPIC and if truth be told, it happened 30 years too late.
The problem is, the story I intended to tell is not the story I will now tell, things have changed. I am still incredibly proud of my our achievement, much of the lustre has dulled though when I recall the past few months.
Those who know me well, may remember that I was diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease a couple of years back, more commonly known as COPD. It is not entirely, but almost exclusively known as a smokers disease.
I was never entirely sure the diagnosis was correct (still a little unsure tbh, I do have grounds for that belief) but have been suffering quite seriously with respiratory issues.
Jumping forward from that diagnosis to June 22, I had just emerged from a serious health lul, one that saw my diabetic glucose readings at dangerously high levels for several months.
I was suffering with several ailments at the same time, each pretty serious on their own but with the breathing, the blood glucose and debilitating joint issues and a deep depression from the combination of all...
I knew I had to make a SERIOUS change.
Some may remember a post I wrote about the fact that although I started the self improvement community, I always felt something of a fraud as I have been a smoker (recently, a very heavy smoker) for over 30 years.
It was the one positive health change I had struggled to implement. I am not like those who describe smoking as their only pleasure in life, I have never really enjoyed smoking, but it was such a deeply entrenched habit, I was utterly hooked.
I mention that post for context. So June 22, I began intermittent fasting, incredibly healthy eating, exercising and began many practices that served me well and my health turned round in a miraculously short amount of time.
I have since been told that at the point of the below photo, many of my friends thought I had probably lost a little too much weight.
Never quite managed to handle the smoking thing though... That festered away in my mind...
Earlier this year, around February, my breathing became very problematic, I suffered several serious infections and thought I was to be hospitalised twice but managed to do the right things, stay home and genuinely rest.
Resting wasn't difficult, as soon as I'd sit down I would begin to doze off...
However these worrying instances got closer and closer together and I was immensely fatigued constantly and felt like crap 24/7 and started to feel unable to do my job. Luckily I had a spell doing an office based job and the burden of the manual stuff and night shifts were removed from me, this enabled me to muddle onward but was not sustainable.
Long story short I spiralled health wise and became quite severely ill.
To cut another long story short... [I rarely say that and even more rarely achieve it!!!] I remember feeling [quite seriously] like I might die soon and found myself making a monumental [to me] decision late at night about smoking...
This far and no further!!!
I'm F'ing serious!!!
I mean it!!!
Chapter II - tales from the other side of smokers bridge...
This is the part where I declare a happy ending and light the fireworks, right?
We'll see.
My lady looked shocked at my proclamation and a little fearful too as she has smoked for as long as me and knew that it was decision time, one way or another!
"Could we really do this?"
"This is a terrible time for us to do this... Isn't it?"
Yup, I agreed as we had SO MUCH stuff going on in our life, each of us individually and collectively. She was right, it was the dumbest time I could ever pick and it dawned on me, that is my entire MO, of course I would pick now, that is classic me.
However, I told her that in my estimation, we had nothing at all to lose.
Worst case scenario, tomorrow lunch time, maybe even breakfast time, we would each be looking for a shop as we realised the time was indeed, utterly wrong and we were simply not equipped for this extra stress at this moment in our life.
That didn't happen though... Somehow, in late April 2023 we had both become...
...
...
EX SMOKERS!
I could NOT believe it... Neither of us could.
We were so proud of ourselves and of each other.
Between the pair of we had racked up in excess of 65 years of smoking, that is insane!!! Never mind the health benefits, can you imagine the astronomical amount of money we had spent in that time?
I hope I never sit down with a calculator and tally up that insanely monumental waste of resources!!!
A strange thing happened around 2 months after we quit.
The idea of us choosing the time to make our attempt at becoming 'smoke free' was based on us not going out to buy another packet for the next morning back in April when we decided to quit. If we had bought them, we probably wouldn't have succeeded.
2 months later m'lady moved some things about in the kitchen cupboard and there they were... 20 cigarettes, still in the film, unopened, unspoiled and like a vile, nicotine stained temptress, they begged to be smoked!!!
Here's the thing though. Had we known they were there late at night 2 months earlier, I abso-bloody-lutely know we would have carried on until they were gone, promising that we would try and quit, when they were gone and the moment probably would have passed!
We were different people now though. We were better than that and knew that if we smoked even one, the merry-go-round would have started all over again and I for one NEVER want to go through those first days without a cigarette EVER AGAIN!
Besides...
As part of my symbolic overtly ritualistic deconstruction of my previous identity as a smoker, I dismantled/destroyed every single lighter I could find.
There was something in that destruction that was akin to me getting my own back on the toxic habit that held me in it's vicelike grip for so much of my life.
It did not stop there... M'lady said we should give that packet of unopened cigarettes to one of our friends or family members who still smoked.
However the way I viewed the cigarettes had changed and I realised that even though there was a monetary value to that final packet [they are so expensive due to incredibly high duty in the UK] I could not pass them on to someone else as I would be aiding and abetting their health sabotage and handing them over was like pushing them in front of a car... I could not do it.
Cue: more symbolic, incredibly ritualistic attacks on the act of smoking itself...
I am sure Freud would have a field day with his [probably correct] analysis of my actions. This violent attack, ritualistic murder of the cigarettes would be incredibly interesting but hugely simplistic to him I am sure!
Although, now, that famous Freud quote springs to my mind...
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"
In response to a question regarding his theory of oral fixation. That dude really did see hidden sexual meaning behind EVERYTHING!!!
Perhaps that allows us to make a [probably correct] analysis of him and HIS mind...
He also famously said...
‘Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss’
Who could ever argue with such insightful, high brow, thinking from the very pinnacle of academia?
For those unaware, I should point out that he refused his Dr's advice that he should quit his beloved cigars, which he smoked till he died... Of Oral cancer!!!
Fun fact: He also thought cocaine was a miraculous wonder drug...
So back to my story.
Although I developed a ridiculously intense insomnia I was still hugely glad I had quit smoking, and knew the insomnia would pass eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although when I did sleep, my dreams were incredibly vivid and were ALL of me smoking a full cigarette, no more context, story or dialogue, just a 5 dimensional experience of smoking, I knew the dreams would pass eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although I couldn't finish a sentence without accidentally using the words smoke, cigarette or lighter, I knew my brain, speech coordination would return eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
Although I would eat endless boiled sweets 24/7, yup, even at 3am, and this caused me to start gaining weight and I lost several teeth I knew normality would return eventually, and I would be all the better for it.
I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a few seconds. I constantly checked my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter this was still happening 3 months later when I was told the intensity should have reduced significantly.
Even when I returned to healthy eating and fasting again, I kept gaining weight. My Dr said 'oh yeah, your metabolism will not be as effective without nicotine'. I did think of a solution, but managed to keep it to myself...
The upshot was that I quickly went from this;
TO THIS!!!
I am STILL incredibly grateful that I managed to beat the addiction and know that one day [hopefully soon] I will be all the better for it...
I went though a stage were nothing mattered to me, seriously, nothing. I remember describing it as though I had forgotten just how dull and bereft of colour the world is... Even flowers looked like crap!
There was a weird quality just below the surface of my existence that I can only describe as an intense mourning without a focal point to explain the sense of loss. It literally felt like some of the greatest losses I have ever experienced. Though I feel a flush of shame admitting this.
When I take these out:
I am back to getting readings like these:
This is purely and simple dangerous over a prolonged period of time. I am disheartened to find myself thrown back in time to the spell before all of my positive changes had been implemented. If you hear me speaking of depression in posts at the moment, this context should explain things.
This post will end up being far too long for almost anyone to read in it's entirety BUT it was an important one for me to write in full. It is cathartic, in it's way.
I feel in some ways that being free from cigarettes has been almost as detrimental to my health and likely to kill me as smoking them!
Yes I is the first letter of the word I R O N I C !
In case you are wondering, the way I just worded that 'being free from cigarettes' is how I have always viewed this experience.
I have always focussed on what I have gained, fresh breath, clean smelling hair and clothes, no need to go out in the freezing temperatures at home or work for a cigarette, financial benefit RATHER than viewing it as though I had lost my cigarettes.
I have tried to frame it the correct was and view it all positively but alas, the lows have been LOW.
HOWEVER!
Tomorrow I will write a far shorter post on why I am incredibly positive and hugely optimistic about my journey forward, even though it may not sound like it. I promise I am not dwelling and do NOT want pity for anything I have wrote here.
I only shared this image here [I obviously did not want to] so that next time I use it as a versus image with my newly evolving body in the other pic, It will be apparent how far I have come. The best part is that the this time the cigarettes will have been removed from my life so I won't have that huge challenge ahead of me.
Oh by the way, I am probably going to lose my job and financial stability very soon, linked to my health [mostly], there are several reasons why it is going to be at the worst time ever for us.
BUT THAT, is a story for an upcoming post.
Tomorrow I will give the ultimate secret to quitting right there, right then, my lady and I both attest to its efficacy. Despite everything I have written above, I highly recommend smokers quitting, if you can, and of course if you choose/want to ASAP.
Thank you so much for allowing me to ramble on for so long. I suspect getting this all out of my head and on to the page is going to do me a LOT of good.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
Keep taking the time to connect with each-other both here and in the 'so-called' real world and try and look after each-other, because as you already know...
Quite an epic post! Your experience with bad health was quite scary. But you’re tough! You survived anything. Good job with your success story. I had friends who still couldn’t give up smoking and went berserk three times after her failure!
Thank you so much for stopping by and for the kind words.
I understand going berserk haha. It has not been easy but will be MASSIVELY worth it once I feel a little better.
Have a happy weekend, thanks again 😎
Hey Steven,
Some really scary moments there my friend. But you have made some really good decisions.
I stopped smoking when I first got pregnant 15 years ago and never looked back.
It was always the ritual of it that I missed, as Iiked to roll my own.
You have got this my friend. Thank you for sharing with us, much love to you and your wonderful lady xxxx
If I could recommend something, it would be the Healing With Wholefoods book xxxx
A very big congratulations to you and your lady. It is hard going cold turkey on things and I bet it wasn't easy. But you did and can advise people of the consequences faced in it.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Thanks for the kind words, at times, you're right, it was so hard, but very worth it of course.
I would be utterly delighted to help others going through trying to quit and will always freely offer help and tips that they may find useful.
Happy weekend 😎
You are welcome and it does worth it. I apaus you for that.
I am sure you will. Thanks for the response and do have an amazing day.
No pity from me! I smoked for years - 14 of them - and me and the hubs gave up before we came back to Australia- just like that, as you guys did. You make a decision, and do it without excuses, which is absolutley the ONLY way to give up smoking. Anything else is weak mindedness. I was sooo sick of being beholden to this addiction when all it needed was me to say 'enough' - I mean, you just have to reset those neural pathways, as the nicotine itself leaves the system fairly quickly, so for me, I just gave myself a talking to!
However - I do feel for you having COPD. I've always had a shitty relationship with my breath, being asthmatic. It affects my anxiety as well. Pranyama helps enormously. I suppose you are already onto the herbs that might help - turmeric comes to mind.
At the risk of sounding sappy, there is something extra special about doing such a big, problematic, stressful thing together. I remember a quote from years ago, I am almost certain it was Jim Rohn, it said something along the lines of
People get together, start a life and promise to look after eachother. It is a pretty erroneous goal over which you don't have too much control. What they should say, is I will look after me for you, if you promise to look after you for me.
I guess in many ways, it is like saying I will stay fit and healthy and not let myself go and we can enjoy a long, 'hopefully', happy life together. We have a lot of control over how we treat our own body. Shit, that should probably make me feel a little guilty, especially as a Dad. Still the future is the most important destination, not the past.
I have a funny feeling that I actually have fairly sever asthma rather than COPD, some of the triggers and effects seem more likely after research. I hope that proves to be the case, m'lady and I have had far too many dealings with COPD and family members over the years.
Yeah I'm trying to add various herbs to my routine for various benefits to different issues.
Happy weekend my friend, sorry about the delay, getting back to you. 😎🌞
Well done mate, I stopped smoking at 15, yes you heard!
It never did anything for me, no hit = no good.
Glad to here the buzz was non existant for you my friendd, it certainly spared you a lot of illness, money, coughing and meant that you had to be a little more creative and thoughtful about how to achieve pariah status. 😎
On 40 a day, you certainly would be able to scale all of those walls and fences like a whippersnapper lol. 🤣
Like a whippersnapper are you kidding me? More like a sloth, my agility is almost zero in todays world!
oh man. I know, believe me I know!
I bloody swore I would never make 'those' kind of noises when I got out of a chair but my knees and back just don't wanna play.
Whippersnapper was meant to make us both feel better lol.
Hey Steven.
Just wanted to say congratulation! I know how hard this is. Because I have done it and then undone it many times in my life.
My lady and i managed three months on the last occasion, but she freaked out because she started putting on loads of weight. In her mind that was a good excuse to start again! And needless to say I followed shortly after. The smell was what struck me the most. So horrible on the surface yet it triggers old connections like the smell of an old lover you still have feelings for.
Just to be clear we don't smoke classic cigs. We smoke home grown cannabis with chemical-free rolling tobacco. I tried to grow the tobacco this year but the seeds didn't even sprout! This I do believe is the healthiest way, as demonstrated by the native Indians of America who smoked for generations without lung issues.
Anyway, I am curious to know how you have done it???
And are you finding the extra weight to be a 'thing'?
Or perhaps you are still intermittent fasting?
Personally I fast every day between 9pm - 11am. It's not much but it's enough to keep me solid and slim. I also do a long fast each year. Up to 10 days if I can. This always has MEGA curative effects.
Ah yes, one more thing. You don't look skinny! You look perfect and way healthier than before. Your friends are just accustomed to seeing you a certain way.
All the best!
I'm so suprised to hear you smoke tobacco. No judgement at all, but for some reason I didn't think either of you would.
I smoked for 14 years, Jamie for longer. And I'm talking an emotional, chain smoking type of addiction, a nervous energy, absolutely addicted, yellow stained fingers and roll ups addiction.
The extra weight isn't a thing unless you eat more as a substitute, but after the initial period and having actually quit, you just go back to normal. And you're fitter and healthier, and do more (you're not sitting around smoking, for one!) so I never found that weight was a long term issue or excuse.
I'm a fan of intermittent fasting - I'm sure that would help too.
Yeah, my father was a tobacco baron! He owned numerous tobacco companies and smoked cigars & pipes around us as children. Which I always thought was really cool and even today when I smell them I feel a warm memory of him.
The taste of smoking a cigarette (without any cannabis in there too) is a horrible one for me. For both of us I would say. So we don't do that. And while we are clearly addicted to the tobacco it is more there as a conduit for us to get our medicine in small quantities. Cannabis (THC) is a big help with my ADHD. Helps me focus for long enough to actually get jobs finished. Can't really speak for Sabrina but I think she finds that it helps with her mood & sleep. As for standing around smoking, that is surely something I cannot imagine. The thing about a joint is that you can have a few puffs and then put it down for 30mins, before having another few puffs. And that is how I have lived my life for a very long time. Certainly no standing around as you put it. Personally I didn't see any weight gain when we last quit, but my metabolism is so high I'm not surprised. And I'm always so busy! The only thing I know of which puts weight on me is eating meat three meals a day. Which I would never do any more. The days of living with London sausage makers are over ;)
This winter season will be very interesting because I have found a more effective way to get my THC, using tinctures & oils. And am growing a bunch of plants all around the mountains! According to my research the effect is much more powerful and longer lasting when ingested this way. Which sounds perfect. But would of course mean quitting the tobacco aspect. Let's see how that goes. It feels like the solution is coming...
Hey Sam, good to see ya. I hope Yourself, Sabrina, Esteban and Luna (hope I didn't spell anyones name wrong!!!) are doing exceptionally well. The weight has very much been a thing for us both. I always told myself that would be a separate battle after the main one.
Smoking has always been my white whale, so to speak.
Alas quitting has kinda broken my metabolism and had a few more nasty effects on my health the irony 🤣 I will work it out and get fully back to fastting again in the coming weeks.
I have gone back to a
normaltraditionaltypical Western eating pattern as I was gaining scarily rapid weight even with a 2 hour eating window. I didn't even think that could happen but glucose, cortisol spike and nicotine removal have conspired against me in a diabolical fashion.I feel this may help my reset when I fully get back to fasting. Long fasts will definitely be a route when I am less frail with my health.
Fab to cross paths my friend, thanks for stopping by 🌞🌻
Just a thought...it'd be nice to see the self improvement community improve itself by way of a profile image.
It would be equally nice to see the owner self-improve himself and learn how to login to make changes lol.
I spent a huge amount of time struggling with keys. I never did understand how to reset them either. Sometimes I think I am a little too analogue for the online world I am trying to inhabit.
On a positive note, I have an incredibly tech-savvy mate who is going to be helping me to start making video content/learn editing etc soon. I have wanted to try this for some time and know I could make great use of video content for the community.
We discussed the community and he has agreed to help me fathom out what I need to do as when I think I am logged in, I cannot make changes.
Navigate to the community: https://peakd.com/c/hive-166408/created
Click settings.
Click upload and navigate to the image on your PC and double click it. I make the image 512x512px using Canva.
Click continue.
It may ask for the community's private posting key (this is not your own, the communities one.) depending how you've logged into the community. (I use keychain). If it asks, apply it and you're done. (You may need to clear your browsers cache to see the change. Sometimes I do and sometimes I do not.
Just with logging into the community: I use a different browser window altogether, created a guest browser window on Chrome and a whole different keychain account so I don't have the issue you're having when updating my communities. You log into your personal one all the time and if you need to update the community simply open that browser and log in as the community. That's probably where you're going wrong.
Thanks for the time Galen. As always, you rock.
I hope it is that simple, it would be amazing to think I could get a 2nd chance at making a 1st impression so to speak lol.
As long as you have the keys for the community it'll be that simple. I tried to use my admin rights to do it but the keys are required.
I'm sure you'll get there mate, and it's also good to have you back around the place, I'm not sure if I said this already.
Thank you for sharing these experiences Steve.
It's such an encouragement to as many. And congratulations to you and your friend. Such a great improvement over the years.