This is the question I've been asking myself, either when I'm trying to sleep, trying to fight back stinging emotions, or just trying to go about my normal day without thinking of the past occurrence of the past few weeks. My brother's passing has been difficult for me to handle, it's generally affected my health in different ways, it's hard to wake up without feeling this massive lump in my throat, this niggling chest pain, and this recurrent need to wipe off my eyes, apparently my vision is constantly blurred from having a glassy eye.
I've tried to do anything different to overcome this phase, but, the fact that he was my only immediate nuclear family member, keeps the wound alive, fresh and hemorrhaging. The fear of being alone in the world makes it feel like nothing is worth it anymore. The zeal to wake up, grab breakfast, and start the hustle of the day has faded, I mean, what's the essence of hustling if the pain of loss is bigger than any incentive to live and enjoy life? I've had to fight this orientation all my life.
My health issues made me suicidal at a young age, but I got an incredible orientation to live life irrespective of the many restrictions that come with it. It was difficult for me to conquer the mental limitations that came with my health status. As I grew older, it was easier to bemoan the ignorance of my parents. Most of the familal problems that are currently affecting me today were a result of their terrible choices back in the day, and while I believe the spiritual controls the physical, I feel that sometimes, 70% of man's problem is self-inflicted rather than spiritually or externally induced.
As for my brother's death, no one can completely explain what happened. After his accident last year, we probably failed to understand that something must've given inside his system and he probably didn't notice and created an underlying issue, which has sufficed this period. He was the healthiest in the family, not inheriting the (S) gene. He didn't have any health issues, unlike me who have been battling mine and quite well for 3 decades now. My parents didn't have a lot of children because of this, and it was a miracle to have a sibling who didn't have the genetic disorder.
He was touted to continue a healthy bloodline, and seeing the pillar of the family pass like that without having offspring creates this fear. When your pillar of dependability suddenly gives way, it creates this illusion that nothing is completely immune to life. The grief I'm going through is because of this. Knowing that the pillar of the family who carries the brightest prospect is no more, the mental exhaustion of reliving the memory of the great things he could have achieved in life. I cannot measure my grief, but I'm left with questions and doubt, and sometimes it feels like I could have done more to save him.
There's no scale to measure grief, but sometimes, I think the height of grief is when you begin to wish that you bear people's grief or take their ill luck. The past three months have been the most challenging for me, I've made the biggest mistakes of my life. I've invested wrongly, chased the wrong passion, and done incredibly terrible things to cover up for mistakes, and in the process of seeking penance, this happened. I don't know where to go from here, it's incredibly hard. I'm trying to measure how much my life has changed, but deep down, I want to be hopeful. This phase is ridiculously hurtful, but I'm hopeful, even if at the moment, it feels like it'll never pass.
🤍
Keep talking/ writing.
😔 Thank you, will do. It's been too hard, can't work, can't sleep. The void feels endless
Expression is the opposite of depression.
I know all about it ( my current project is based on it too )
Sending love and healing vibes.
Also, you have done nothing wrong.
Try to be kinder to yourself.
I am sure your self talk is off the charts right now, that's the last thing you need.
You got this buddy.
I don't know what to say. You have every genuine reason to feel this way, but God's plan always supersede all. He said the plans I have for you is of good and not evil. Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, but it'll unveil overtime.
I pray God give you and the family the courage to bear this trying time. May his comfort be sufficient to you
Thank you for your well wishes, I'm holding on to God's mercies and promises
Ohh dearest Jose this is so sad, the death of a loved one hits differently especially when it's a sibling, this is a challenging phase for you I know but just hang in there for a little while and you will be just fine. My deepest condolences dearie.
Much !luv from this side.
@josediccus, @ibbtammy(1/4) sent LUV. | connect | community | HiveWiki | NFT | <>< daily
! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoThank you for the condolences, I'm hanging in there
Pain could be so painful, believe me i've been through that myself, and am still tryna to ill from it .i believe The point is what is done is done, you gotta move on ahead from the things that are holding you down cause you got a brighter future ahead things will get better for you just have faith in yourself. You got to forgive yourself and the people involve in your mistakes that is the only way for the anger to let go of its grip on you..
Its your challenge its a good thing, its time to use the lessons learnt and add it to your tool box thats the only way for you to get better with life challenges..
Todos!
Thanks for the kind words
Thank you for thanking me☺️☺️
Ohh, Jesus! Seeing you this way absolutely breaks my heart, dear Jose. Now, I totally understand what you couldn't explain then. I really can't express how much I wish I could take this pain away from you. Jose, I'm sincerely sorry for all you have been going through, Jesus is your strength. After reading your last post I couldn't bear it, I couldn't make a comment, I was short of words. Please stay strong, just try a little, you're about to win. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS
See, Jose...... I'm looking up to you. A Lot are looking up to you, you're full of knowledge. You're validated to feel the way you feel regardless of whatever may be telling you otherwise! You will get better and one day you'll look back on this post and be proud at where you've come. I hope you know we all love you, you're surrounded by beautiful people.
My family is praying, we all care for you.
Thank you for coming through. It means a lot. I didn't see things happening this way and throwing the blame on myself makes it hurt more. Thank you for the well wishes, I appreciate.
No you really don't need to, just be fine. You're overcoming this
It is okay not feel alright @josediccus, However, you have to be strong because I am sure that is exactly what your brother will want of you too. It hurts to loose someone we love but we also need to be strong so we don't loose ourselves in the process of grieving. I pray you get strong and may God give you family the grace to bear this lose.
It's not easy, I might have caused some discomfort for myself in the process, but I can't help it, it hurts like nothing I've ever known
Words fail me, I know how much you cared for your brother. My heart goes out to you Jose and you're in my prayers. All will be well assuredly, God is with you. I pray you experience His peace in this season and we are here for you always ❤
Thank you for the kind words. It's probably going to be a long road for me from here.
I don't know what to say because I have never been in that situation. However, I pray that nothing bad happens and you get through this safely. I don't think there is anything you can really do from the past but you can learn from this and make sure that nothing bad happens. I believe that you did everything that you thought that you could.
I replay the events in my mind, relive it over and over again. The torture is much, but I just can't help but think maybe there's something I could have done differently.
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This phase will surely pass, I can't say I understand how you feel but I know with time God will comfort you much more than you expected.
There's so much to live for even when uncertainties hit us, it's not the end of the world. Please be comforted and I pray for you every day that God continues to give you the strength to bear the loss and wake up and do life.
There are moments that are complicated, there’s not much to say. Losing someone will never be easy, being in mourning, missing someone, it's really difficult to move on with all of this on top of us. What we can try is simply to be positive, to think positive, but it's not easy. I hope you are safe and staying well! A big hug my friend.
!HUG
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @shiftrox.
(2/3)
Call it being tough or whatever you would describe it for 15 years away in SA without family close by, we only kept in touch over the phone. Now that I am back home, I shed tears when they visit me and go back to their places, I am discovering that family means a lot to me Jose.
I can only imagine the pain you are going through now, to think of your only sibling is no more. One thing I have also believed especially now that I am home is that our loved departed ones are with us, watching over us, I strongly feel that about my late mom.
I shed a tear reading this post, very sad what has happened to your family and your only brother. I have nothing to say, sending you a virtual hug and lots of love in this difficult period. I will definitely remember you in my prayers. I am glad you are talking about it and sharing with us, anybody who thought their life was hard will change their mind after reading this.
I honestly know how you are feeling right now so take your time but just know that you cannot be moody forever. Cheer up and prepare for things ahead of you. Things like this will surely weigh you down but move on...
It is true that when things are not going well in life, there is no need to worry because our God has better things in store for us. We just have to wait for the good times as they come. So success is achieved from all sides.
Things happen that we cannot explain. I have questioned God on certain things about my life but p