Two interesting conversations were on offer at work, before I had even finished my first cup of coffee. Both were about parenting, but will mention only one in this article, and how there is pressure to encourage kids to "fit in" with their peers. After all, no one wants to be left out of the group. It is rare, but my colleague has much the same viewpoint as myself on this, but has felt that he is an outcast for having it.
Don't fit in.
Perhaps it sounds silly, but I don't want my daughter to fit in with her peer group, if it means being like them, doing like them, consuming like them. This is nothing against the kids themselves, but in her class of fifteen children, five are so unruly the teacher spends most of the time with them, and there are less than five kids who are actually interested in learning at all. That doesn't speak to a very healthy academic future average.
But it isn't just about school, because ultimately, academic success doesn't matter, unless it is translated into life successes. What constitutes success is personal, but I wonder how many people feel successful if they "fit in" with their peer group who are all struggling in various ways to live a decent life. How many people aspired to a good life when young, only to realize as they age that they haven't done what it takes to have it?
Why do people want to be average?
We are all average in the majority of ways, no matter who we are, but aiming for average seems to be a strategy best suited to people who are already below average. Shouldn't we aspire upward? Climb higher, not lower.
My colleague's son has some similar complaints as my own daughter, where she feels at times she doesn't fit in, but then when she witnesses what others are doing, she doesn't want to do those things. For instance, she had a vacation last week from school, and one of the days she spent the morning with one of her classmates who visited us. They went to the park to play, and as soon as they were there, the other girl pulled out her phone and sat there scrolling something. My daughter played alone anyway. Later, she told how her friend has to walk three times to the store and back as exercise, before she is allowed to be on her phone.
Is these the kinds of habits we want in our children?
I suspect not, but if in order to fit in, I have to support my child to do the same kinds of things, to talk the same way, to be as addicted, as inactive - is that what is best for her? As a parent, I want what is best for her in the long term, because the future is where most of her life is expected to be lived - not right now. And then, even if we are looking at maximizing the moment, is on a screen as a consumer, living the best moments of life?
But I think it is also worth looking at how "average" might play out in the future, on average. Because while there might be safety in numbers, there isn't a lot of opportunity for individuals. Look at it from an investment perspective, where the first in are the ones that will take on the largest risks, but also get the largest gains. Once everyone else starts investing into the same area, the potential gain percentage decreases accordingly for them. Get in early before the masses, and things are looking good.
Similarly, the skills that are both in demand and paid well, are the ones that are also scarce, hard to find, hard to learn, hard to procure. The average person doesn't have scarce skill resources, and while I don't know exactly what will be in demand in the future, I suspect that it isn't going to be the skills learned by the consumptive masses.
I am average, I don't know what constitutes are great life, but I am pretty sure that the average person at the moment doesn't feel that their life is that fantastic, that they would want their children to have an identical life to themselves. I imagine most parents want better for their children.
Or am I mistaken?
Children are probably the largest investment we make in our lives, yet we seem to treat them these days like a car that we expect to depreciate in value. Yet we seem to forget that we aren't doing what we do or don't do for them for ourselves to enjoy, it is for them and their future. It might not be convenient, it might take a lot of work, and there may be a lot of uncomfortable situations, plenty of tears along the journey, and they might never appreciate what was done until they have their own children, but that is the way it goes.
In a couple decades from now, a lot of what we do today will have changed, but I am pretty sure that one thing will remain the same. The people who have the best lives, will be in the minority, not the majority.
Some things don't change.
Taraz
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So much here to agree with! I, too, consider myself average, medium...and I certainly don't fit in with any peer groups, not even those from early childhood. If children are taught to think for themselves and not simply to follow the wave, they will have a much better chance of finding success and happiness in life.
It's kinda scary to think what the world will be like for our children and their children in turn. I hope it is better, but with all the turmoil in current affairs, it doesn't look promising. Just having your child be certain of which gender they are gives them a leg up in today's world. Time will tell.
I wonder if the parents having children in 1910 thought it would get better, or 1930? I wonder if they were filled with hope?
Ha! What a strange world we have created.
lol Strange world indeed. I always wonder what my parents would say about today's world. I can guarantee they wouldn't believe it. Even more pronounced disbelief going back another generation or two.
My two sons are the best students in their school classes. The reason is that my wife does not work and teaches extra lessons with them. The reason my wife hasn't worked for 8 years is because I'm an investor. As I write this comment, I understand that I made the right choice.
Parenting makes a big difference. I can't homeschool, but I can supplement.
Probably.
Dang, I am still hung up on the fifteen kids thing. That's a small class. About half the size of most of ours. Our teachers wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they had that few kids! That's good that you are encouraging her to be different. She just has to have the emotional skills to handle being different, other wise it can weigh on a kid.
It is a small class - there were a few more, but they have moved around a bit. About 20 is max for year 2.
But it is changing here too, where classes are growing in size, teachers are getting too much admin, kids are getting more poorly behaved. Finland is well behind many countries that have it worse, but are catching up.
I hope that she inherited my side in terms of this!
I think our max class size for grade two is something like 25. Things are changing all over the world it would seem.
I see all that detour behavior around. Not only by children, but also from parents and teachers (no all, thank God!). Aiming for a easy life without asking different questions, without putting our own ideas and other ideas in question... I think if nothing would be made to change this course, human kind would suffer from a dull and empty existence in a near future.
I like this term!
It is easier not to question the authority of government or group, lest get judged as unfit for society. It is easy to become an outcast today - which is ironic in a culture of "inclusion"
Exactly! I couldn't put in words better then you!
We have a proverb;
Grapes get darken looking at each other.
Which means that people, especially kids, take after their peer's behaviours, generally negative ones. To avoid this situation, parents try to keep their kids away from such peers.
I heard an interesting thing that if a child at 11 is good friends with someone with a high IQ, the child will have a higher IQ at 15.
Why would I want to fit in with a society that seems to reject my values and principles? We seem to be an inherently tribal species, but as Frank Zappa is quoted as saying, progress is impossible without deviation from the norm. We weirdos and outcasts can make ourselves miserable trying to fit in where we can never truly fit, or we can try to forge a future where we build something better for ourselves.
Why would anyone vote for someone whose majority of principles are not aligned? People are simple, they can't take in all of the things that are important to them at the same time, so they cherrypick in the moment for what makes them feel good, or helps them avoid feeling bad or worse.
That's mostly what school does to children now, teaches them how to fit in by complying with very restrictive rules and how to think only in a very narrow band of information. They can't even imagine anything outside that band once modern education is done with them. Teach smallsteps how to stand out! Very hard to do.
I think if my kids do as well as I have, they will be living a very good life. Not lots of money, but enough. Solid thinking skills, open minds, an a mother who would rather lose friends than do something against her better judgement. I hope they know how to say no when it's necessary.
This is the thing, isn't it? Many people aren't willing to incur the "loss" without considering whether it is a loss at all.
Fitting in means never standing out and a life of guaranteed mediocrity. Not signing my kids up for that.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Average."
We would never say this, but many times that's what is done. 🤷
As a mother we always think about the well-being and stability of our children, so that when they grow up they will be great people in a sense of humanism.
Be considerate of others, not slaves to their opinions.
Yes, these current parent-child relationships need to be reviewed.
Very good reflections, my friend @tarazkp
I think the gap is closing and it is moving toward child-child relationship, with age the only difference in maturity.
It may be, it may be so...
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