I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
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I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans
“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.'” – Ronnie Barker
It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter