This is my entry to @galenkp’s Weekend Engagement #142.

Would you rather be loved or feared?

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The question echoed the famous passage in Niccolo Machiavelli’s Chapter XVII of The Prince (1532). In that chapter, Machiavelli elaborates on the issue of cruelty versus clemency and whether or not it was desirable for a political leader to be loved or feared. To keep political and social order leaders may have to recur to violence and cruelty, lest they face revolts and revolutions. That might be true in politics, criminal organizations, or even in the corporate world, but at a more intimate personal, family, and professional level, being feared makes little to no sense.

Being feared in the name of social order may be moving politicians like Nayib Bukele in El Salvador. Who cares if people accuse you of human rights violations if you get rid of gangsters? Even if in the process of getting rid of organized crime, some innocents are arrested or killed, in the name of the greater good that is a price politicians or law enforcement agencies may be willing to pay. Even I would be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt if things really improve for the average citizen, but in the case of Venezuela, state-sponsored terrorism has been used to keep the average citizen, not the criminals under constant fear. Presidents like Maduro, Ortega (in Nicaragua) and Diaz Canel (in Cuba) stay in power not because they are popular (loved by the voters), but because they are feared (they control the military and have created para-military organizations to terrorize the average citizen). They may even be reelected in bogus elections only because most people are either afraid of or discouraged from voting or because the actual process is rigged.

I'd Rather Be Loved

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But, back to my personal take on the questions, I’d rather be loved by those I love, admire and/or respect. Family, friends, and work end up constituting our main pillars. They hold our dreams, emotions, and aspirations and making relatives, friends or coworkers fear us would only make those environments unlivable.

I’d rather be loved by my wife and children than feared. I knew fear as a son. My father was a disciplinarian and did not know how to show affection, except by giving orders and making sure those orders were followed to the letter. Discipline was central to his child-rearing method and often times, he could only exercise discipline by fear and violence.

I promised myself, from early age that would not reproduce that model. That being said, I also promised myself I would not let my children just do whatever they wanted. I think you can discipline with love and example. It has always been my goal in life to teach my children, students, and/or coworkers by example and always trying to keep relations as cordial, respectful, and affectionate as possible.

Being loved by those we love is priceless. We know that, as Machiavelli theorized, “love [may be] preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage,” but familial love has deeper roots which, given the proper care and encouragement will overcome any temptation or hurdle. Being feared is very close to being hated, which Machiavelli himself warned against as the ultimate consequence of mishandling social or political affairs. True, we can’t control how people react to our personality and behaviors; chances are that we may end up being feared or worse, even if our intentions were noble, but I’d rather take those chance and continue loving, caring, and respecting.

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