Hello Hello people it is Sunday night here in the UK.
It is still technically The Weekend and I hope that you have been having a great one.
I started to write this post on Friday night, infact I had written well over a 1000 words when calamity struck and I managed to hit a key on the laptop and lost virtually the whole text and the autosave saved the arsed up draft. Did I curse, hell yeah I did, and then some evil bleeper who shall remain nameless Galen showed me a picture of his breakfast that he was about to tuck into, did I mention evil already🤣!
However, I decided to regurgitate the post albeit in a shorter format as I wanted to join in the [WE103] Weekend-Engagement concept from @galenkp
Upon reflection, this is a double whammy of a post in more ways than one, as I realised that it falls under two concept options, namely
Laugh and cry
and
Love and loss
I could have talked about luck and how my mother called me Lucky Eddie and how we make our own luck, but I decided after seeing an onbect that I saw on a walk on Friday to tackle a deeper subject for this post.
My father always prided himself on hosting shindigs or flipping big parties and the party to celebrate the 21st birthday of my Scottish niece in March 2011 was to be no exception.
By way of an example of his extravagence for parties, for his 65th birthday he hired an executive coach and whisked away family and friends on a weekend tour of Scottish whisky distilleries. A wild weekend it was, and the distilleries sold a hell of a lot of whisky cases to drunk old codgers🤣
For his granddaughter he had booked a big ballroom in Aberdeen, Scotland where they lived, he had bands all booked, had the catering arranged, the whole shebang it was going to me a big affair for his favourite granddaughter.
They doted on each other.
Unfortunately, he was not well and was admitted to hospital in February and passed way a couple days before my nieces birthday. Her party was due to be held on the Saturday just after her birthday.
My mother was a type 1 diabetic and had been for most of her life. She had early onset vascular dementia as a result of this diabetes. Being the oldest sibling, it fell to me to organise the funeral for my father.
On the night he passed away he instructed me to take care of mother and the family and above all to ensure that the party went ahead as he had planned.
Of course, people were thinking it should be called off. Bollocks to that, I am even more stubborn than he was, and in between arranging the funeral I finalised all the details for the party. The party went ahead on the Saturday and we had his funeral on the Monday.
I don't know if you have had any experience of loved ones having a form of dementia, but it is truly heartbreaking. I feel for absolutely anyone who has to deal with this.
Obviously my mother was heartbroken. Once she had dementia we had to hide her insulin. She needed to be injected with insulin, but once I had seen her doing it at three in the morning, when we had injected her earlier. So for own good the insulin had to be hidden in a small fridge that she could not get to.
The day after my father passed away, she asked where father was. I said that he had passed away the day before. It was heartbreaking and it was as if she was hearing this news for the first time.
This happened a few more times, so I contacted the doctor's practice and asked for their advice. Was I harming her by telling her truth etc. Their advice was not very helpful, and I was told "well just do what you think is best".
Thanks for nothing I thought.
Whenever she asked where he was, we would tell her that he was out with the dog, or gone shopping etc. This would be fine for a little while until she asked again. One time I said oh he is out walking Charlie (Charlie being their wee black and white Cocker Spaniel). Charlie however was on mothers lap, oops cover blown. Well I still think it was kinder telling white lies to her than putting her through a grief process time and time again!
I digress too much, back to my fathers funeral. Mother wanted a big affair for the only man she had her loved and wanted a horse drawn carriage to carry his coffin just like the one her father had been carried on.
I did have power of attorney and could have ignored my mothers wishes but choose not to.
On the day of the funeral, she asked why she was having to put on her best clothes. Dad passed away Mum, so come on let's give him a sendoff was the reply I used on more than once occasion that morning. This would happen approximately every thirty minutes, so it was a long morning as you can imagine.
The undertakers arrived and we had to have police to stop the traffic etc. The limousines arrived and we managed to get mother into the car.
Where's your father, isn't he coming? was what she said to me as the door was closed.
I don't do emotions and can count the number of times I have cried on the fingers of one hand, but I was struggling that day I can tell you.
It was two miles from our house to the crematorium.
The carriage was drawn by a white horse, with an undertaker walking the horse, so it took a while to get to the crematorium.
I am including this picture of a far off white horse that I saw on Friday whilst I was out walking in the woods and have taken it as a sign to write this post.
So here we are, my mother with her sister, myself and my wife, my brother and sister plus two grandchildren all in the lead limo behind the horse drawn carriage carrying my father's coffin.
We were all talking trying to occupy my mother's mind.
Then she said "Whose funeral are we going to?"
I replied "Dad's"
At this point the only two who were not crying were mother and me.
She then said (and I am laughing while typing this) "Oh well he would have loved all this pomp with the white horse and carriage!"
I just burst into laughter and hugged her, and she joined in the laughter. Then between laughs she asks what we are we laughing at!
A laugh or cry moment that I will never forget.
It was an emotional and stressful day as there were so many people there who did not know about her dementia and I had to field a zillion questions and veer people away from her.
It was also a poignant day, as that was the day in my heart I buried both my parents. The dementia had taken its toll, the body of mother was still there physically but she had departed earth long ago.
My siblings and I took turns staying with her to look after her. This happened in March 2011.
Five months later I was down in Edinburgh at a hospital appointment when I got a call from my sister. Our mother had passed away during the night. The doctor said she had suffered heart failure, but we both agreed she died of a broken heart.
Losing both my parents within the space of five months really was a double whammy!
If you have read this, then thank you so very much. If you have anyone close with dementia and you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, please feel free to message me as I know what you are going through.
Enjoy the now, life is short, so do what you love and do it often.
As mentioned previously, the picture of the white horse was taken by me on May 27th 2022 in Kirkcaldy, the Kingdom of Fife, Scotland.
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It's a great story and yes it was a double whammy.
I was amazed how they made a big party with your dad's body present.
Of course they did your dad's will, no doubt he was a great man.
I can't imagine what it would be like to live with someone who forgets things like that.
Undoubtedly it was something very strong and painful for you with such close losses of your loved ones, such as your parents.
May God rest their souls.
I imagine that you are still fulfilling your father's will to take care of those he left behind when he went to heaven.
The image of the horse is very nice. As everything you will see in that beautiful place where you live.
I hope that you never have, it is not fun and it is not easy.
I do try to fulfil my father's will but that is not always easy.
The white horse was gorgeous and I took as a sign to write this. There is beauty in all our places, we just need to look for it sometimes!
Ah, my friend, you might not be one to cry, but these days I allow myself to cry a lot and cry I do as I read your post. Big Gentle Hugs friend. Big Gentle Hugs. 💚💙💜❤️🧡💛
Thank you so much for the hugs @consciouscat , they are very much appreciated. Yes, we are all unique and differ in how we handle our emotions, which makes us all so wonderful.
😊😉🤗
Dear Ed! First, a big hug for you. For someone who doesn't do emotions, you are very good at writing about them. I don't think you had ever made me cry, always make me smile and pretty much laugh. But today this has squeezed my heart a bit and brought a few tears to my eyes. I do emotions a lot. There you have it, something we are not alike.
My great-grandmother had dementia and I was a teenager at the time. I didn't have to deal with her other than to spoil her a lot. I remember she was like a child. And a great friend of my mother's lived with Alzheimer's for many years and for her daughters it was very hard. It was like having the living body of someone who once was but who was no longer there.
Beyond the tears, I enjoyed reading this. It's the first time I've read something like this from you where you openly talk about your family with emotion and you know what? you're good at it. Your mom and dad wherever they are, I like to think those we loved are somewhere in a parallel universe, I'm sure they are very proud of you. Big big hugs 🤗😘
Aww thank you for this Super Eli:)
Well sometimes to really appreciate the good times, we need to through the not so good times.
That is exactly how it is like. In the beginning you laugh it off as just the person's memory playing tricks, then you realise it is so much worse. Telling someone they have it is not easy either. They regress and start to remember their childhood vividly. I remember once I took my parents on holiday, and mother says stop we need to get a postcard to send to her mummy who had died years before.
I am glad you have not really had to deal with it, those daughters really must have had a hard time. I think it is good if there are people to share the load.
You have to be vigilant and watch almost all the time!
Well I like to make you laugh and smile, not so much the tears, so yes we are different in that part. Am not so sure I am good at writing about emotions, but I know I can write about my experiences, whether they be funny or a wee bit more serious.
Thank you for your kind and sweet words Eliana and big big hugs right back at you:)
That's true, we wouldn't appreciate the good things if we didn't go through the bad things from time to time.
Yes, I didn't have to deal with it. I was very young at the time, but I remember my grandmother and her sisters and even my mum had a hard time. I can even remember when one of my grandmother's sisters passed. She was a diabetic and had a leg amputated, and soon after that, she died of a heart attack. My great grandmother who I called Meme, I don't think she was ever aware of all that and that her daughter had passed.
It must be very difficult to deal with such a situation with someone so near and dear to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
And I love that you make me laugh seriously and you know that. But tears are also a part of life Ed, and sometimes it's such a relief to shed them. ;) xoxo
Yes we need the good and not so good Super Eli!
hehe yes tears are part of life Eli, but I still rather make you laugh than cry!
Oh that perhaps was a relief that she did not know her daughter had passed. That was a positive in a not so good situation.
Thank you for this Super Eli and giving you a big bear hug:) 🤗🤗
I'd rather you made me laugh and smile, Super Ed 😉😄
And the bear hug received, thank you 💙💙 love you friend 😽😽😽
hehe yes I will stick to making you laugh and smile Super Eli.
I can't be doing with having to pass you a hankie!
Love you too friend 💙💙🐈🐈🐈
Jaja!!
so I can't count on your shoulder for a little cry now and then, eh? 😉
Morning Super Ed 🤗
It was very hard what you lived through, but you took on a great responsibility and came out ahead.
Life often takes us by surprise, I think we will never be prepared to lose two loved ones in such a short period of time.
Thank you Lis, life throws us many surprises, not all are good. But we will always have wonderful memories.
No, losing two loved ones in a short period of time is not easy, and there are no books on how to deal with it. We do what we do and carry on:)
Thanks for you wonderful comment Lis and have a wonderful week:)
jeje hello Brian the snail, what do you call snails there?
Hahaha yes it is also a snail.
The translator plays some bad tricks, as well as the terms we use.
About 3 weeks ago I insulted Mr. Galen and I found out because he told me, I felt sorry and laughed at the same time, what my message meant.
Yes a snail is a snail jeje
The translators can be terrible, jaja I know!
Oh naughty Lis jaja that is funny🤣🤣🤣
and embarrassing 😅😅😅
If at any time you have doubts about what I write, please let me know.
Both my parents went more than 20 years ago. Neither from dementia,mercifully. Although I have friends who have been through it. I have nothing but admiration for how they dealt with the long good bye.
Mum went first. Dad 11 months later.
This, The Husband and I, both believe, was what happened to the Dad.
This is wonderful! It resonated for me and perhaps I should write about why I roared with laughter at the tea after my Dad's funeral.
Have a good week, Lucky Ed!
When I saw that I was thinking and then your next sentence confirmed it. It is a very real thing.
Oh so you roared with laughter at the tea. Well laughter can release a heck of a lot of tension, so perhaps you should, now I am intrigued!
Thanks so much Fiona, have a fantastic week:)
Dementia is such a wicked disease for loved ones to deal with. It can provide those funny moments to remember but as it develops further, it gets worse and worse.
I hope you get some comfort in the fact your parents passed away so close together. My Dad died four years ago and my Mum tries so hard and goes out a lot, and never stops doing 'stuff' but I can see she's lonely and misses him every day.
The reality is that there is no consolation in losing loved ones, just a path of constantly working to improve coping mechanisms.
What a beautifully crafted and well told story and thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful week :-)
I appreciate this comment.
Yes dementia really is absolutely wicked. You have to remember the funny moments as it can be terrible otherwise.
Yes that was the blessing that they passed away together. I feel for your mum, doing stuff to keep yourself busy is great but can never replace the emptiness of your Dad not being there.
Have a wonderful week and I hope wifey was not too hungover🤣
This was very first from you Tito Ed... I have no words but sending you some hugs💗💗💗
Aww salamuch CJ, well not often I write like that, but the horse said go do it:)
The horse did you something good :)
It most certainly did CJ, darn I am still not caught up with notifications, I tell you, away for most of yesterday till the evening and am way behind lol
And you're catching up already, lol! Also clearing some that I've missed. Enjoy hehehe
hehe yes clear clear claro!
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Wow, what a moving story, @tengolotodo I tell you that I also had to organize the funeral, but for my mother, who suffered from depression before she died.
Aww that must have been tough for you too @devania , we have to do what we need to do though!
It was an experience that taught me a lot about myself and if when you have to do it, you have to do it, @tengolotodo
That is true, you have to do it, when you have to do it!
Man, this was indeed a double whammy. It was both sad and funny (no offence meant).
I have never seen anyone with dementia in real life, but I can relate with the hurtful experience of living with them. If they get wind of how forgetful they are becoming, it usually scares them so much. Some of them would even prefer to not associate with anyone.
For your Dad, what a man he was! My Dad also loves to organise big occasions and buy stuff for friends and families while having a good laugh, but he doesn't have the money to do any of that. His birthday was two days ago (Sunday). I'm sure he would have loved to have a blastful Celebration, but things are very hard over here. Hehe.
Glad to read from you.
Thanks for sharing this on DreemPort.
Thanks for your kind words. I always try to write with a bit of humour in my posts, and even though this was quite a sombre post, I am glad you found parts of it funny!
Yes it is not fun, and the worst is when they realise they are becoming forgetful and it is getting serious.
hehe the old man well yeah he loved his parties! Happy belated birthday to your Dad and I hope things pick up over there, the whole world is going through tough times.
Many thanks for popping in and commenting:)
What a majestic being!
It is a gorgeous horse:)
Coming back today from Dreemport to see the lovely white horse :)
aww, well hopefully I can see him again tomorrow, I will go for a hike out near there again tomorrow or Friday!
That's great Tito Ed :) Say hello when you see him again hehe. He's a beauty
Yes I could hardly see him, it was a long way off, the camera is so damn good!
You made me cry Ed 😭😭😭 I can't imagine how you feel those days. If I were you, I couldn't handle it.
I guess your mother wanted to be with your father so she decided to go.. I'm still crying here 😭😭😭.. It's like I'm watching a sad movie while reading this..
They are both happy now ..
aww I am sorry Jane, I did not mean to make you cry. Well there was no option of not handling it. Life goes on and we have to do the best we can.
That is exactly what we thought. In the end it was the best thing, but it still feels terrible saying that, even now ten years later.
And there was no need for what you di, but I really appreciate it, you are one very kind and thoughtful young lady:)
I guess I'll feel the same if that happens to me...I mean, to lose someone I love in a row...
You are too tough Ed..
Well I hope it never happens to you Jane, and heaven forbid if it ever did, I hope you would come to me for support. Tough nah I am a softie really, I just don't show it.
This was beautifully and sensitively written Ed, with a broad stroke of reminiscent sadness and a light touch of humour. It must feel like both a lifetime ago and ...'just the other day'. I know that's how losing my mom felt to me. Dementia is also a terrible thing to have to witness firsthand. My hubby's stepmom has some form of dementia or altzheimers at the moment. They were in denial about it and nothing is diagnosed (they live in South Africa).... but she is not in a good way. I really enjoyed your post, Ed. You even managed to bring a smile to my face despite the touching emotional content... oh and that white horse? what a beautiful reminder and message 💗!LUV
That is so tricky, I know my mother never accepted it, and then it took hold and even if you told her, she would forget in the next five minutes.
Yes you have to have a bit of humour in life, but you are so right about a life time ago and just the other day, that is how it feels.
Thank you so much for your kind words, and hope hubby's stepmom can get some sort of diagnosis or help.
thanks Ed❤️
You are so very welcome Sam :)
(2/5) sent you LUV.
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So sorry partner for your loss. It was a laugh and cry situation, I can understand all you went through trying to convince someone who can barely understand what you are saying that they've lost their loved one.
It's painful but it's also a relief from your shoulders, I pray their soul rest in peace.
Dropped by from dreemport.
Yes partner it was not easy. You really have to watch what you say to them.
Life gives us these things though, and we just have to make the most of it.
Thanks so much for stopping in and have a great Wednesday :)
I'm glad you could manage it to the best of your ability and you did really well.
Yes partner, you too have a wonderful Wednesday too.
Ah yes we have to do things when it is required and thank you partner:)
Yeah, you're always welcome partner ❣️❣️.
Thank you partner, did you manage a walk today, it was Wednesday I will do one tomorrow
You're welcome dear.
I did went out for a walk and I already made a post about it too.
It's fine doing yours tomorrow but don't forget okay?
This is so painful to read starting from the part where you lost your draft. I've been in that shoes and I certainly curse whenever it happens. I was about to ask if your father nerds a girlfriend when I read the lines about how lavish he loved his affairs to be until I read the part where he passed away before his favourite grand-daughter's birthday and oh your mom? I had waters in my eyes reading it. I have always dreaded dementia. The first time I heard about it was when I watched the movie the notebook. It's a terrible place to be for anyone and watching ones love go through such loss of memory can be very devastating. I wouldn't know if to say it's a good thing death took pity on her and shortened the suffering or not. One thing however that is worthy of note was how you were able to fit into your father's shoes and take care of the family, just like he would have loved. Well done!
aww thank you Zyzy, I don't really often write posts like that, but it was soothing to do. Yes when I lost the draft I almost did not rewrite it but I am glad I did and that so many people left such wonderful comments such as yours, that is really heartwarming.
Dementia well I so hope that you do not encounter it in anyone you know.
You raise the point I still feel guilty about, being glad that her suffering was cut short. It was a good thing, but you still feel guilty for saying it.
Thank you so much for commenting and I really appreciate it:)
I understand the feeling. It's like wanting her to stay but knowing that the more she stays the more she suffers so it kinda feels like it's a good thing her stay was cut short. Sending you love and light♥️..
And for what it's worth? I got to to see another side of you, the emotional side. I feel like squeezing you in a hug.
Yes exactly prolonging the suffering is not a good thing I think!
Well for what it's worth I won't complain being squeezed in that hug ;)
Wow! I don't have words... Yes, indeed, my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with the beginning stages of dementia...
She came to visit us in December. She lives in Johannesburg and we are in Durban...a distance of 600 KM. By the evening, she felt it was becoming late and she needs to return home. She became very upset when everybody told her that she is in Durban and she cannot just go back home. In her mind, we were also still living in Johannesburg...
She has now fallen down the stairs in her house...fractured cheekbone, broken arm (one bone crushed) and left thumb broken...and now officially diagnosed with beginning stages of dementia...
So all I can say is that I am so sorry to hear about your experience, especially about losing both your parents in such a short time...